What Kind Of World Is This

What in the ever loving fuck is going on? Do people honestly believe that what is being done is ok or, so they really not know? I remember Angela saying nobody would have reality and, the way I am treated it certainly feels like I am a giant piece of ahit. I am sick of hearing people deny what they are doing to me. Sick of hearing how I am telling the truth about everything but, people I cared about or, even people I am only talking to, those ones always call me a liar. I AM NOT A FUCKING LIAR. 

What I am is hurt. Tortured and, lied to. Devastated because,  I know who I am and, I am so destroyed I keep telling the truth and, the people I want in my life keep abandoning me. I am not able to fight them anymore. It is clear that they are going to control everyone they can and, my heart hurts and, I feel like i am going insane.

I haven't been perfect. Nobody is. They are never going to stop. Every flaw is amplified. Every word I say is either micro analyzed or, they pretend that they said the things I have. They are horrible but, I keep taking the blame from people I don't want to lose contact with. Since people are so lied to about me and, the lies are easy to believe, in part because of the things they do, I can't keep fighting. I get told I have to be stronger and, it's my fault for "buying into their bullshit" anyways, it won't really make a big difference.  According to most of the people I hear, I am the problem. This is what is allowed to be done to something like me. 

I am sorry that this has caused so much pain. I wish that I was a better, stronger person and, then maybe I could have found a way to deal with all of this. The losses have become so painful I am losing my ability to do anything. I am not ever going to be OK. Something about the way I saw the world and, my place in it was so stupid.  So twisted and, warped and, it is very obvious that I shouldn't be me. I am not able to deal with this anymore. The way they have lied to me about so many people I hear, it has made it clear that people did EXACTLY what they told me they would. Everything they said I would feel and, become and, how people would react to me, it has all come true.  I thought I was a good person. I believed it was ok to be me. I know I have issues and, I try to do better. I try to be a better person than I was, I do not know how to meet the standards of these people. I will never, ever be able to recover from this. 

I am made fun of all the time and, by people I believed cared about me. My own mom makes fun of me and, lies to me about all of this. I am sorry that I let this hurt me the easy it had and, I know my life is the reason they are hurting others. I feel like its my fault they are getting sway with all of this. They if I could have been stronger or, been able to be a better person, they could have been caught. 

People have value. They are important to me and, it seems like I am doing everything wrong. When I need people to understand that they need to be stopped and, I needed help, I ended up pushing people away.. I don't know what to do anymore. I have tried to be as strong as I can. Tried to do everything and, I failed. I failed my children. My family and, friends. I hear all these people I care so much for telling me they don't want anything to do with me. My mom saying she won't answer the phone for me. My children don't even want me. It sounds like there isn't anyone who can see that I still keep trying. I may go slower and, its not easy 5o handle stress especially when I hear such hatred and, blame and, shame thrown at me the way they are. I am just really hurt and, I still kept trying.  I wish I had been able to have people in my life still. They tell me this was my choice. It was not my choice. They did this and, I really have tried. Their girl was to kill me, to remove everyone f4om my life and, I couldn't do enough to keep them in my life. I am sorry. I am not sure why I wasn't able to make my life the way they demanded. I am not sure why I didnt just do everything they told me to, maybe that would have made things better. I am not a good enough person, to them I am still not a person. 

I am so shifty that even my mom gave up on me. I don't know what to do to fix myself. Each time I start to pick myself up, they hurt me worse. They tell me and, others do as well how unwanted I am. How I should just kill myself. I am sorry. I am so sorry.  I don't want to listen to people I care about hate me the way they do. 

I am sorry that I needed help. Sorry that people are blaming me. I miss my kids. I miss being able to be a person that people can care about. I am sorry this has caused others so much drama. My life can still be a goof one. There must be someone out there who still knows I am a person. I am sorry I let them hurt me and, others. I am sorry j wasn't good enough. I am sorry that people don't beluevr me and, that my kids have been used to hurt me. I am trying and, I just needed people to be patient with me. 

I can not handle the pain and, trauma. To know that it was ok tobliterally torture me nearly to death and, the fact they used people to hurt me and, my children that I loved. People I would have trusted and, wanted in my life.

They used people that I would never have thought would hurt me or, my children. I have no memories of my life that for not include these people. I need them to stop. The way they twist everything I say into something bad, I cant even think anymore.  I miss being alive. I miss being happy. I miss people. I don't want people I livf to blame me and, hate me. I don't want to be afraid that anyone in my life will leave me at any moment because I am not able to do enough or, be enough. That is what is happening though. I am starting to realize if I don't do everything the way I am told, I will lose the people I care about. I am becoming afraid to believe in myself.  I don't understand how they could abuse me the way they have and, then blame me the way they do. I know my mom knows everything they have done. People are award that they removd free will and, the way they have done thus to me.

I