I Think Something Is Wrong With Me
I am starting to believe that there is something wrong with me. Each time I make a choice, I am told by so many people how wrong I am. It is clear my mind, my heart, my happiness is not going to be taken into consideration. I am told I am not strong enough to be on my own and, my choice of who I would like to get to know is always wrong. I get told I go from bad to, worse each time.
I do not believe I am a stupid woman. I believed that Brian did care about me, that he wouldn't have hurt me. In fact, I made it very clear when I was told things about him that, I didn't belueve it. Just like John, each thing I didn't believe turned out to be true eventually. I wish I could have been allowed to get to know "off mother fucking limits" more. I keep being told he isn't a good man but, I like him. I really like him. What is so wrong with getting to know someone? What is wrong with talking to someone? This man is nice to me, makes me smile. Isn't it normal to want to talk more?
I am pushed and, pulled in so many directions. So many opinions are somehow considered facts to most of these people. This is my life. My opinions should matter. My feelings, even thought I am told they aren't, actually are valid and, just as important as everyone else's.
If I am not strong enough, why are they doing so many things to make me feel weaker? Why aren't they trying to build me up and, help me instead of, beating me into the ground and, lying to me when I am so desperate for the truth?
Why cant they understand how deeply they are hurting me? I am finding it harder and, harder to understand my place on my own life. Why don't I have enough value for most people to treat me like a person too? I am not sorry that I want to make my own choices. I am not sorry for liking the wrong person. I do not want to be ripped apart, made fun of, hated because I apparently pick and/or flirt with men that "other women don't want!" Which, BTW, would be completely impossible. I am not 100% sure about some things but, I do know the men I choose are not choosing because they cant get anyone else. That isbso utterly far from the truth and, is clearly being said, at least by one person, as manipulation. Somehow though, all of these horrific things are "not that bad" or, "aren't hurting anyone!" I haven't been a person to a lot of people for a long time, just an it so, maybe that is how they see it.
They keep saying they are "proving a point" and, similar things while they are simply hurting me so much more. Why cant this stop? Why is it ok to hurt anyone this badly? I try to stand up and, explain from my point of view. They only seem to let me have a point of view when they choose. I am guessing most likely when me being strong is seen and, heard by someone who can determine my level of trauma and, pain.
This is the most abusive, most horrific thing anyone could ever do to another person. I am sure plenty of people will disagree but, I am forced to listen to people I care about be manipulated and, hurt. People u trusted and, thought had my back turn on me and, blame me. I AM THEIR VICTIM yet, it is very clear that I am going to be forced to be with who they choose in order to "save" everyone.
They tell me my own mother has been doing thos to me and, thkngs I have heard her say have become cruel. She was the nicest person most people I knew had ever met. I can't believe what is happening to her and, so many others.
They do not give a fuck how badly what they are doing is causing so many people problems. As long as they are having a good time and, hurting me and, others, they are doing the right thing. Who cares how badly they have lied to me. Who gives a shit what name they use or, how many things they say they did to me tIhat would put anyone else in prison? I have little to no memory of things they have done so, not much I can do. I am uncertain who is a friend, in most cases and, who is an enemy. It gets slightly worse every day. My head is so fucked up and, instead of helping me, they are only traumatizing me worse and, telling me they are trying to I prove i am not violent or, abusive. They are killing me.
How fucking stupid is my own mother? People are abusing me so badly I am no longer able to function the same way. The abuse is so bad and, so far reaching that I amntold I will never be able to work again. I have a difficult time focusing on simple tasks. They continuento use my kids and, people I care about to hurt me and, tne pain has become too overwhelming. It is so bad but, its OK, its just words.
What is so wrong with the woman I am that people are allowed to use my children to hurt me? Why is it ok to abuse me? Why is it ok to try to get me to kill myself? I am not allowed reality. They tell me that all the time. I am so far beyond hurt and, "the jokes on me!" The joke is ALWAYS on me. Every day is a fucking nightmare. I don't understand why it is ok to hurt me.
I have no mother anymore. She doesn't give a flying fuck about me. I cant remember the last time she called me. The last time she asked me if I was doing ok. She just tells me that if I think people are hurtingcme I should check myself in! She knows what is happening. How can I be so worthless that my own mother doesn't care that people are trying to kill me.
"Who loves you Jennifer Butterfield?" Every single day I am told nobody! They tell me my kids don't love me. My kids think I am worthless too! "I don't even want to meet you!" Every day. I AM WORTHLESS. THERE IS NOTHING ABOUT ME THAT PEOPLE CAN CARE ABOUT. That much i known is true. I shouldn't still be alive because, these people have abused me, TORTURED ME, that badly. They don't have to worry about being caught though, they are unstoppable. I have no way to call my oldest daughter, my son doesn't answer the phone and, my youngest daughter has been used not only as a way to hurt me but, also used to do this to me!
I am tired of being told how people raped me, tried to kill me, brutally attacked me. Tired of knowing there is nothing I can do. Tired of knowing that I am not worth meeting. Not worth talking to. Each time they tell me that someone isn't a good person, that person is then used and, manipulated until they are able to pluck them from my life. My children really liked the man they just removed for not being a good enough person. I really like him. My heart hurts for my children who are being hurt and, who miss me as much as I miss them. At least I hope they do. I just heard able minutes ago, my son's voice say if his older sister goes then so does he! Of course, as always, each abusive, painful, horrible things is followed by "how does that feel?!" Just in case it didn't hurt enough.
I have been able to find value in myself. No matter how badly they hurt me and, make sure I know that nobody will ever love me. That I am too disgusting to be around, I still manage to find good things about myself. I manage to be able to believe in myself. Things these people are obviously unable
I am told so many fucked up things and, they use the people I love the most to hurt me. They use my kids voices and, even my parents have used my daughter to hurt me. Even though they tell me they don't know what is going on. My daughter has been woken up at 2am to tell me that grandpa shot grandma or, grandma shot grandpa or, grandpa hit grandma and, she is laying in the floor, she cant wake up and there is blood in her ears! If I react, I am punished. If I don't react, then they tell people I am a psychopath! I have been told at least 15 times my son killed himself! They enjoy traumatizing me! My brother roofied me! Family members raped me. They kidnapped me, held me captive, used my dog and, cat to abuse me. They have done so many horrific things to me and, I have little memory of it. Then, John came back from prison, where he got day passes and, I found out later shacked up with the woman next door. Because I have little memory of things that happened, he was able to drug me, the same way they did and, do the same and, similar things to me. He would tell me weird "jokes" then, tey to convince me that i am the one that told him the joke! I think he used my voice a lot of the time and, that's part of the reason he tried to convince me. He admitted to raping someone else and, I heard that woman this way. She was unable to turn him in though I am told because once when they drugged me they took me to this woman and, her husband's home and, not only did we supposedly have a threesome but, they also accused me of molesting one of their children!
They would "whisper" to me, thousands of times and, then punish me for whatever it was that THEY CREATED. I have been told that my mother was aware of what they planned to do to me. She gave her approval for these things! She was fine and, still is, with all of this! She knows they are trying to kill me but, I am not the kind of person worth helping. I now fully understand, my own mother doesn't not care if I am alive or, dead!
People keep abandoning me. If I am able to make friends, if I so much as talk to anyone, these people will lie, manipulate, abuse, kill whoever they have to in order to get what they want. It is beyond what I can handle. I didn't do anything. I married a man i loved and, he didnt love me. He has cheated on me, lied to me, abused me so badly that it took forever for me to be able to break free and, get away from him.
I am done being abused. Everyone fucking hates me. Every day i have to hear the worst things and, my own mother would rather lento me. I have begged for help. Begged for someone, anyone to just sit me down and, help me understand what the fuck is going on.
THEY HAVE DESTROYED EVERYTHING THAT WAS REAL TO ME. THEY HAVE USED MY CHILDREN'S VOICES TO TELL ME TO KILL MYSELF. JUST A FEW MINUTES AGO THEY USED MY OLDEST DAUGHTERS VOICE TO TELL ME TO KILL MYSELF THEN TOLD ME THAT MY OTHER TWO CHILDREN HAVE ALREADY TOLD ME TO KILL MYSELF. THEN, THEY SAY THAT I BLAMED MY DAUGHTER! I MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT. THIS IS NOBODYS FAULT BUT THE CRUSTY ASS CUNTS THAT ARE DOING THIS. THEY REMOVE FREE WILL FROM PEOPLE, THEN BLAME THEM FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAS BEEN DONE! THAT IS A RAGGEDY ASS HOE THING TO DO. PLAIN AND SIMPLE, THEY COULDN'T KILL ME AND, ARE TOO STUPID TO STOP DOING THIS! AT ONE POINT, LONG BEFORE I WAS RAPED AND, THEY SAY THEY BURNED MY BRAIN WITH A SATELLITE SO I COULDN'T REMEMBER THE THINGS THEY DID!
They brag about killing people. They tell me it's my fault they had to hurt and, kill people because, I wouldn't kill myself! They have used my voice to torture people to death. They say they didn't kill anyone, they killed themselves! My voice is the last voice some of the people they hurt have heard, including my own dad! They have been setting me up to take the fall for at least 20 years. From June 2009 to approximately June 2016 I lost someone every six months. Most of those people died because of these people doing this! In the begining almost all of the people I hear can be connected back to me in one way or, another. They told me that they planned on killing me and, I was the scapegoat. I would be blamed for their crimes. Someone told me that it would be a bad idea for me to learn how to do this, that person is one of several that helped save my life! I have no way to pay people who saved me back. I don't want to die. I will not kill myself, I have three children and, they will never be left to believe i left them on purpose. Angela Traceveski has admitted, many times that she has hired people to kill me. Things are getting worse and, I am aware that the death threats are real. Someone who loves me and, who i love and, has helped me has told me several times recently that I can not stay on the streets and, last night Angela was positive that someone would kill me because, I needed some space. I haven't had any time to myself in months, in my entire life if you consider this has been done my whole life.
This can't be covered up anymore. I understand that there are serious repercussions. False imprisonment, rigged elections, murder, treason. This group of people is responsible for THE HAVANA SYNDROME! The side effects that are created by this attack DO NOT GO AWAY. OUR CHILDREN WILL BE FORCED TO DEAL WITH THIS THEIR ENTIRE LIVES. I know that when John and, his brother were growing up this was done to them in a different way. Enlarged head; stocky, shorter torso; thick thighs. ELF - electric low frequencies. These same symptoms are also found in people who grew up neat low hanging electric lines.
People have to start talking about what is happening. Trying to keep it hidden isn't doing anything good.