I Feel Like A Constant Disappointment
It has reached the point where I feel so worthless and, so beat down that even though I believe there are people who know I am not at fault, they seem few and, far between at the moment.
Somehow, everything I do, say and, THINK is wrong and, I am so hurt and, sick of taking the blame.
I spent two months in jail recently. A result of Angela Traceveski having me arrested for stalking her, something she has done to me for so many years that ot is mind boggling. I met the most amazing group of women while there. We worked as a team and, I had believed that we, as a group, made things better for all of us. Hearing that is not how some people believe I or, others, feel is painful.
These women made a huge difference in my life. They made me laugh, hugged me when I cried, shared their stories with me, even the crazy or, embarrassing ones and, I felt like people were trying to help me. Telling me their opinions some people. When someone you believe has your back, no questions asked, you tend to listen (though I do try to listen to everyone) in a way that helps you understand why they are saying these things. There were a lot of things I missed, I tried to focus on the people around me and, tried to be kind and, understanding so, looking back on things I am piecing some things together.
I am grateful to the women, the friends, that I spent Thanksgiving and, Christmas with. Grateful for the knowledge they have given me about this "gaslighting experiment" and, about life in general.
I am unclear as to why people are only able to give hints or, clues but, maybe that is just how this is. To me and, by the letter of the law, it has been torture. This has caused so much destruction and, pain that it is terrifying. Some of the people doing this are proud of what they have done. Telling me things like they "can't believe this worked so well" or, how "it was worth it because nobody loves me anymore or, even likes me!" Of course it worked, they change people's voices and, lie to me about who people are and, what is being said that I am lost a lot of the time. For whatever reason people insist on telling me things, sometimes vital things, this way and, since I can't give 100% of my attention to trying to hear what is being said and, often times, unless they are trying to prove i know or, hear more than I do, I miss a lot. This, as are most things, is my fault.
I have tried so hard to remain myself. Who I am though, is a woman who is constantly beaten down. They tell me self esteem comes from within. While that is true, the near non stop verbal and, mental abuse has taken a toll. A huge toll.
They brag about "calling this a gaslighting for a reason." All I can say about this is it has worked. The way people I have asked or, tried to tell about this has gone has made me acutely aware that the people closest to me are not going to talk about this. I have been left to weed through lies and, blamed when I can't. Someone I love so very much told me that I said something that confirmed loving things I said about someone in my life. However, what I confirmed was the loving thing I had said about the person I love so very much. There was nothing said at that moment about the other person.
I fell in love, serious love, the kind that leaves a mark on your heart with two men during the last four years. One, it took a long time for me to love and, the other was quick. They both made me feel like it was ok to be me. Like who I am was who they actually saw. Not the bullshit, lied about, worthless thing that I am called every day but, me. I am told both of these men hurt me. There are a few of the people doing this who delight in telling me how badly I have been hurt by people. They wait and, tell me after I have talked to them. They wait until I start to let my guard down and, start to feel like I might be safe or, that I can trust the person I am talking to. As soon as that happens, I am hit with things so foul, so appalling that they are l, in most cases, almost imposition believe. How can someone actually do these things to another person. It hurts even worse because, I feel alone (not always) in the pain. There is nobody that I can turn to with questions. I know people say i can come ti them, I could ask them but, the harsh reality is I have asked so many times already. Asked people that I should have been able to go to, people who I should have been able to be safe around, people who I believed loved me and, would have wanted to protect me and, help me.
I loved John, I believed he loved me. To know how badly he has lied to me and, deceived me is almost more than I can handle. The reality is, I know very little about him or, his family. I have tried to be a loving wife and, daughter in law. I know we had problems and, I know the reasons are not as much me as they are what has been done to him, me, his family, my family and, all the people I hear but, can not see.
I was supposed to be the scapegoat. The patsy for all of the things that have been done. Stupid since I do not know how to do this. I do not want to know how to do this, it is something that goes against God, nature, life. From the way it sounds, since I am told most things by these people who either still hate me or, used to hate me or, suddenly hate me for reasons I can't understand, they have been able to blame me for a lot more than I thought they could.
I am hurt. Hurt so badly that, there may be no way to recover. I am a person, the pain has gone deep and, with every single flaw, imperfection, mistake, ect. pointed out and, exploited so much I am afraid to believe that people will remain in my life or, on my side. They rejoice in doing everything they can to get people I love and, care about to hate me. I guess I have made myself easy to hate. I hear how hated I am all the time. There are times where I hear kindness, compassion, times when I hear people on my side. What happens is, that may last an hour or, so then, the next several days will be filled with hatred. Those same people, in a lot of cases, end up telling me how much they hate me. I end up feeling so stupid and, hurt that I want to hide. There is no place to hide. No privacy. No place where I can find anything that I can count on.
I have been so shamed as a parent that I am afraid of my own children at times. Afraid of what they will tear apart next. Afraid to connect with my children the way I normally would, the way I want to because, I know they will use my children to rip me apart. They cram them down my throat and, tell me how I am such a terrible parent, how my children gate me or, are afraid of me, how I constantly let them down and, don't put them first that I can't handle it. Two of my kids in my head a lot of the time are simply my son and, my daughter. Their names are no longer connecting to the people they are. While in jail, I met a young woman who unexplainabley and, unexpectedly is so much a part of my heart that she is my child and, they are using her to hurt me now as well. I am told often how she isn't my child or, how I need to let her go and, focus on my own children and, because of the ways they are able to manipulate and, control people, I am in constant fear of losing all three of them. My son already doesn't talk to me and, I am constantly told how I hurt my youngest daughter and, how I let others hurt her. I hear my mom, who tells me that if I believe people are hurting me I need to check myself in (she tells me that in texts and, it has been years since she has called me or, asked me how I am. It's like she no longer cares) say she doesn't want me too close to my youngest daughter. I am told I have to live an hour away and, she refused to talk to me about any of this. She tells me she doesn't know anything. John tells me he has never hear "voices and, never known anyone who has!" Too many times I have tried to understand why all of these things have happened and, why these people are unstoppable. How they can cause so much trauma that I have little to no memory of, what I heard was, all together, over three months of my life and, yet they continue to do this. People have died and, their response is that they didn't kill them, they killed themselves! They have hurt people so badly they have killed themselves. They tell me that I have to kill myself. They tell me often that for this to end, I have to die! They say a lot of horrible things, then deny it. I have no way to make this stop and, I am told it ks m fault they continue to get away with this. It's my fault people are being hurt, in part, because I won't kill myself. My life is being used as an excuse to hurt others.
From August 3, 2021 to August 25, 2021 I have little memory of the things that happened. November 1, 2021 is another date and, I know there are others. I know, despite hearing my mother and, others tell me that none of this is real, that those two dates are very real. I remember my brother telling me for three days to try a drink he had. I don't like alcohol but, the harassment became so overwhelming and, I was so depressed I finally bought sleeping pills and, drank the drink. I could hear someone from my own family making fun of me and, encouraging me to drink. I didn't drink much and, I didn't take many pills. The next thing I remember is telling my brother I believed people were in our apartment. He laughed at me, told me i was crazy and, to go to bed!
I have brief memories of people at the front door demanding I give John his dog back. It took a long time for me to realize that Nova was in fact my dog, not John's as he was in prison when I got her and, during this entire event in August. When he returned in 2022 (even though more recently he tried to convince me he got out in 2023 and, I finally had to ask someone I still was able to trust and, they confirmed 2022) I tried to tell him what these people had said because, for several days someone harassed me so badly (11 months AFTER the August events) telling me over and, over that I was taped. "Rape, rape, rape, rape. What are you going to do about it?" On and, on non stop until I was in tears begging for mercy. I had no clue I was raped! I begged this person to help me but, they only made fun of me. Much later someone said it was John that did that to me. He, to this day, tells me how crazy I am and, how he didn't get out of prison early or, on day passes but, I believe, like so much of what he tells me, he lied. When I tried to tell him I was taped he said "if that really happened!" They keep trying to convince me he said "if that really happened that way." I know what he said to me, he was right in front of me.
It is hard to understand why I didn't divorce him. Why, even after someone I love told me not to take him back, I couldn't get away from him. The abuse took a toll and, even if I stopped taking his calls and, locked him out, he would show up and, my brother would let him in. Sometimes the harassment, torture, wasn't as bad when he was here and, not only does he refuse to divorce me, people doing this to me also refused to let us divorce. For a long time, I believed this was my fault. I would be told by Jonn and, others if I just tried harder, if I could just maintain, if I could just....... If I kept a cleaner house, was better in bed, thinner, prettier, nicer, had dinner at a certain time, any number of things, if I just tried harder they would have to do this to me. It took a long time and, the help of people I trusted and, believed were on my side to help me find the strength to break that connection. Even though I can't stand John and, realize now that he used me from start to finish, I am still abused about him every day. It has gotten to the point where being told things like "you will never get John back" or, "John never lived you or, wanted to marry you or, John told me how much he hates you or, John asked me to do this to you (though that one has stopped) bring an odd sense of relief. I know now he never loved me. I know now that when I was told he cheated on me over 300 times that is something that is humiliating yet, true.
I have tried to remain on friendly terms with him but, that is something that will never happen. Even when he picked me up from jail and, acted like he was happy to see me I knew he wasn't and that there would be problems and, I would be blamed. He wanted to have sex and, became so demanding, belittling about it that I finally got up and, slept jn the other bed. Which, I wanted to do in the first place but, didn't want problems. The next morning he gave me his I PayPal card and, the way he acted and, thebthongs he said mad me feel like a whore. When I told him that and, how much worse I would have felt if I had given him what he wanted, he blamed me. I tried to diffuse things and, asked if he wanted to go to Goodwill. He said he had t I go walk my dog. He had promised to bring her when he picked me up and, I wanted to see her so I said we should do that instead. He became almost irate. So angry that I wanted to be with my dog. She has been my companion through all of this. My protector. I don't remember but, she does. He refused to give her back and, I have been told he gave her away.
Right before he got arrested, I broke my phone. I was told that one of his girlfriends "whispered " (frequency offset) so that O would break it. John made a big speech about how I could use his phone. How he had nothing to hide, blah, blah, blah. Twice. So, I went through the phone. I found two videos of him having sex with two different women. I left one playing and, handed him back his phone. I was calm, by this point I did that care anymore and, he tried to convince me it wasn't him. He still tells me he never cheated on me and, betrayed me for cheating on him., even though he set me up.
I know I woke up August 25, 2021 with a broken nose. I took a picture of it. I believed, in part because I remember walking around barefoot but, woke up with clean feet, that I had hallucinated the few things I remembered. I thought I was missing at most a few hours. January 21, 2025 someone finally pointed out that my nose was clearly broken for longer than hours or, even days. I have regained some memories and, I have heard a lot of things they say were done to me. Things I wouldn't have dreamed in my worst nightmare. I have also had dreams about things that were done to me. Dreams so vivid they were like movies. Dreams of being at a party and, trying to escape only to be caught then, injected with something that paralyzed me but, I was still awake. Still able to know what was happening to me. I was thrown into a spa or, pool and, from someone elses point of view, watched myself drowning. Once, after this dream, i heard the person who threw me into the water admit what he had done and, accuse the person who injected me with whatever that drug was. My uncle told me that "nobody would ever love me as much" as the person that injected me.
I remember staring up at someones face, right before theyhit me. A gun being pointed directly into my face at point blank range. I have a few other memories as well.
Someone told me that even though I don't remember loving them, they remember loving me! There is so much pain in that statement I am unsure how to process it and, because how this has been done, I don't even have a fave to go with the person that said that to me.
They tell me something happened to my youngest daughter. I have no memory of this. I am not sure what the fuck is going on. They say they show things about me but, I have never been allowed to see anything. My oldest daughter just told me I am not her mother because of whatever they show. Without anyone just sitting me down and, talking to me about any of this, I am left at the mercy of voices that sometimes tell me this is real and, sometimes that it is fake.
My children were my everything. For whatever reason, these people have chosen to do something so terrible that it has esteemed lives. Their reasons, jealousy, wanting their ex boyfriend back, I needed to be brought down a peg or 200, John didn't deserve to be so happy. Later they said it was my kids. They were "compiling" reports to send to CPS. THEY HAVE DONE THIS MY WHOLE LIFE. THEY BRAG ABOUT DOING THIS TO MY CHILDREN.
John knew I had no clue what was happening. My mom had to have known too. I had never heard of anything like this being done to civilians, only to terrorists in foreign lands. I did nothing to make people want to kill me. They say and, do thesebthkngs to me then, somehow I either apparently do the things they have done or, said to me or, they just blame me for it.
Angela Traceveski said very early into this "gaslighting" that John molested Sophia and, that she had evidence. She said the woman she was with was her mother and, that woman said she was calling the police and, that I should too. I called and, defended John, even though he swears I didn't defend him. The "police" called back and, John spoke to them. Angela has admitted several times that she spoke to John when they called back pretending to be the police. John said they told him to take me to a mental facility in Reno even though Carson City has a mental facility and, that is where we were living.
With the things they do and, how bad the abuse has become, I feel hopeless. I am not ok and, I am sorry it is so easy to hate me. I am so hurt and, i needed support and, love. I wish I could understand how they could get away with all of this. Why I am being blamed and, shamed for being a drug addict when they continue to destroy my life. I just get told to be stronger. How?
I am sorry I can't remember. Sorry that people who once loved or, cared about me have given up. Sorry that it is so much fun to tear me down until I feel so worthless and, abandoned.
They call me it, not even a person, just a thing that the world is better off without. Just a drug addict who needs more support and, who will never be able to get it. I am their victim yet, it's my fault. My parents blame me. The web of lies and, manipulation have taken a toll. I can't handle some things very well.
To be constantly shamed and, torn down, told how people are taking bets on if they can hurt me bad enough to do drugs again, whi h they did, to be made fun of by my own mother, told how nobody could ever love me, how inamnsuch a terrible mom, how I don't put my kids first and, there are so many other things that somehow are my fault. One minute people trust me, the next I am called a liar.
It was ok to abuse me. I have done my best to be strong and, to hold my head up. I love my children. I would never hurt them. I know I have value. I know I am a good person. I don't know why I am so hated. Why it became ok to completely demolish my life. I try to be a good person, to do the right thing. I am so sick of being abused. How anyone can listen to what has and, is being done and, do nothing but, tell me how I am not good enough, it hurts. It's a joke to them though. I am tired of being picked on. Tired of hearing "do you know who.......?" Knowing full well there is no way for me to know. I was a person too. I was no different than so many others. I don't know why people don't seem to really understand just how bad this is in my side. I just get told I have to be stronger, do more, try harder, that I have to die and, how its my fault.
They laughed once. A cruel laugh. I asked what was funny and, was told they are killing people but, everyone is so focused on me they are getting away with it.
Now, they are telling me I am going to prison "for being their victim!"
IT IS NOT OK TO HURT SOMEONE LIKE THIS. I HAVE BECOME AFRAID TO JOKE, IT WILL COME BACK AND, BITE ME IN THE ASS. AFRAID TO HAVE A CONVERSATION, ANYTHING I SAY WILL BE ISED TO HURT ME. GOD FORBID I SAY ANYTHING ABOUT JOHN. EVERYTHING IN OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS MY FAULT AND, I AM SICK OF IT ALL. When I try to meet people or, talk to people it just becomes a cluster fuck. That person will become a target. The only way to make sure nobody gets hurt because I talk to them or, enjoy their company or, anything like that, is for me to not talk to anyone, ever.
Haters are gonna hate. That's what they do. This is a whole different ball game though. I can't handle the abuse anymore. I tried to hard. I can hear most people don't believe that. I thought they would stop. I thought I had done things to prove I am trying. They admit to so many fucking things but, it makes no difference.
I CANT TAKE ANY GOD DAMN FUCKING MORE ABUSE. ITS NOT A MOTHER FUCKING JOKE. One minute they are telling me that I abused my yojngest daughter and, they say they show proof. The next I hear my youngest daughter telling me she told me she wasn't abused. They say they burned both of our brains with the satellite they use to do this to us or, 12 satellites or. Some MK Ultra shit. My heart can't handle the stress and, trauma anymore. I am sorry my kids hate me. Sorry that they used them to hurt me this badly. I am tired of hearing its fake then, its real. There is no fuckkng way for me to fuckkng know what the fuck to believe. I can't take anymore. I get it, everyone hates me. I amnsick of hearing it. Sick of the three people I love more than I thought I was capable of loving being used to hurt me. They refuse to stop. I can't connect my kids names to the people they are, the abuse is too fucking much. What the fuck.
People who used to tell me I deserved so much better than John now tell me to go back to him. They introduced me to someone who I guess hates me and, I have been hurt too much. I started talking to someone else only to be told how terrible that person is and, how nice should go back to the person they introduced me to previously. I can't understand what the fuck is going on, other than apparently everyone has hurt me, except one person. I think they are going to force menti be with that person but, I don't know him. I am forced to pick a man, apparently it is only the one they choose though. I feel like this thing that just keeps getting thrown away. I don't known what to believe based on what I hear.
How do I tell people who have denied all knowledge of this what I hear? People i thought were friends, family are peoplendoing this to me. I am trying to get my life together but, I needed my family, friends and, support.
I am sick of being told to trust John Butterfield who, is easily the biggest punk ass bitch on the planet. He drugged me, raped me, cheated on me, blamed me for everything he did, used me and, I can't handle more.
I needed my kids and, all these people do is hurt the people I love and, I take the blame. I have to give up. I keep bed g told how I lost everyone. How even mh kids are gi in up on me. I cant handle the abuse anymore.
To threaten to lock me up because I literally can no longer handle the abuse, fuck this.
"DO YOU KNOW WHY SHE CALLS IT A GASLIGHTING? SHE INTENDSNTO REMOVE ALL YOUR REALITY!" IT WORKED!
I am sorry Erin, Alex and, Sophia. There are no words to describe how badly I wanted to be part of your lives. I am sorry that I wasn't a good mom. I am sorry I am a drug addict and, that I could not longer handle the pain of life. I wish I could hold you three one more time. Tell you I love you one more time. Push your hair behind your ear, stroke your eyebrow and, rest my hand on your cheek. My heart beat because of you. My life was perfect because I had the three musketeers. I had the three most beautiful souls in my life and, I am not ever going to be good enough for you. I need you to love each other and, try to remember that I did try. That my love for you is and, will always be never ending. Unconditional. I will still be there for you. I will be by your side, always. I just cant be there physically anymore. Please remember to be kind in everything you do. Don't be afraid I d to love and, ask for help. Be stronger than I was and, always be there for the people you love who need you. The world is a better place e be ause the three of you are in it. I wish you could feel my love for you. Feel the way you made my heart beat. I want you to have the best life possible. The dream the biggest dreams you can and, be there for each other to watch those dreams come true. I am sorry I wasn't strong enough. I didn't know how to be stronger or, better. I could only be me and, being me isn't good enough. I love you. I love you so much more than anyone could ever know. Please be ok. Please be ok. Please be ok. Please be ok. I'm so sorry.