I Feel Foolish

I don't know how to accept what has happened and, how to feel. I have clearly upset the person I considered the best friend I had ever had. Yet, I only "hear" about it and, usually the questions come from a woman whose voice i don't recognize. 

It seems, at least to me, the things I say and, do are normal. I wouldn't have believed they could be seen as things that are mean but, I guess they are. I know I have not meant to cause problems. My heart and, conscience are clear, it just hurts my feelings.  I don't let many people into my world, although recently I have let people in and, it is a beautiful and, terrifying thing.  

I am happy and, the people who I have become close to are amazing and, I am glad they are in my life. On the other hand, I am afraid something horrific is going to happen. When I let my guard down, since this started, something happens and, peoplebget hurt. Really, hurt. 

There are very, very few people that want to be near me physically yet, they have no problem talking to me this way. 

That fact, combined with the people that I believed were on my side 100%. People I considered family and, I thought they felt the same. They were the only people who kept telling me I didnt deserve the way John treated me. That i deserved better than the things that were happening and, how I amnstrong enough to be without him, even though I had been so beaten down it was hard to leave him. Now, I am supposed to br with him. They introduced me to someone and, then kept telling me what a piece of shit that person was. I heard a  lot of "he tried to warn you!" Then why introduce us? Why did they and, why do they want to hurt me? 

Sometimes, I feel like this was just another part of the plan. Other times, I am starting to think something is wrong with me. Why help me feel stronger and, like I am strong enough to survive this then,  start doing some of thenthings John was doing? 

The lies I hear about myself have gotten even more outrageous and, it is clear they are designed to keep everyone except, who they approve of out of my life. I am being so manipulated and, forced into positions that are all bad. ALL BAD. 

Like tonight. I need to have my own space. Space where I can do what I want without being hitched at, criticized, belittled. I couldn't get to my tent, I only have one place I can go so, here I am.  I am tiredness being treated like this. Tired of being treated like an unwanted and, hated child. This is wrong. I am trying to remain strong and, upbeat, its not easy. 

I am at such a good place in my life. Things are chaos. I am still being tortured. Like I said, few people want me around in person  WAIT FOR IT...... I have another daughter! 

Not a child, a young woman. Brilliant, kind, funny, beautiful, obviously there is no mistaking she is my child! I am so grateful ti be a part of her life and, as with ny other two children, unending love. Unending everything good. 

It seems there are people who disagree. I dont understand. I am not taking the place of anyone else in her life. I am simply there for her the best I can and, she has someone who loves her. An addition, not substitution. She does not take anything away from my other children, she is their sister. Equals. No distinction in my love. I dont understand what is going on and, without help, I will never understand.  

The way people are so afraid to talk to each other, openly, honestly, out loud, makes it easy to misunderstand so many things. I am allowed to hear certain things so, I am never quite sure what is going on. 

My family is filled with joy. These people, idk, maybe they are allergic to joy. Happiness is allowed only if you are not as happy as they are. If you somehow are able to be happier than the miserable, hatedilled, jealous, manipulative, people that have made things so difficult, you are punished. I have actually been told I wasn't supposed to be able to talk to people, meet people, be happy. They were jealous I was so happy before, they said that! One of the reasons they gave me for doing this is "John didn't deserve to be so happy!"

If I talk to someone and, someone else doesn't believe should be able to see anything good or, they aren't good enough for my daughter, they will stop talking to me. Even if we got along and, life was getting better, they stop talking to me. I was reminded again today that I will never believe that anyone could ever love something like me! One of the many things they told me would happen, one of the way I would feel, way back when. 

SOMETHING IS HAPPENING TO PEOPLE AND, IT.IS GETTING WORSE. It is like an repeat of thingsnthat they said or, did in the begining except, on steroids. I can't tell who is doing this. It was a guessing game before, I am not allowed reality,  now though, its sucking my soul. 

Things were getting a little better. There is more happiness in my life and, as always HAPPY PEOPLE CAN IGNORE THIS AND, ARE HARDER TO CONTROL, HAPPY PEOPLE DO NOT BECOME GUESS THEMSELVES AS MUCH SO, THEIR "INNER VOICE" IS OVERRULED." 

I am not sure what to do. I am not able to get people to want to be around me. The last people who do, people who I thought loved me and, helped me get away from John have now proven to me that I am nothing like the person they told me i was to get me away from John. A man I fell in love with and, was stupid enough to have thought gave a shit about me, it would seem, has set me up and. "Mike tried to warn me!" Even though Mike is the one that introduced us, he then spent a lot of time telling me how shifty this man was. Each thing je told me, it ended up happening to me. Maybe I am just a moron. It is incredulous confusing. Mike wanted me awy from this guy. When I started talking to someone else, suddenly that man was even worse than the previous man. I keep being told I go from bad to worse. THESE ARE MEN THAT INSTINCTS TELL ME I CAN TRUST. I wish I could understand why people dont just sit meadows and, talk to me. Why I am becoming so isolated.  It is strange. I have never in my life felt so hirt and, abandoned.  I 0keep beingntold thinks like I need to be stronger or, I need to be someone worth being around, someone worth helping. I know this is going to end with all these people cant be wrong! 

I am uncertain what to do. Uncertain hownto ?get anyone to talk to me. Each timenintrust someone, they prove that I was wrong.  I am almost always wrong and, they are always right. No matter how hard i try, I am never good enough.