I Am Sorry

I should have been able to ignore the things that are being said and, done and, I should have remembered that it "isn't what they are doing that is the problem, it's my reaction." I shouldn't have reacted, at all. I should be used to qhat is happening by now and, it should have been easy to ignore. 

I feel so stupid for getting so upset. I know they are just going to keep doing it. It hurts to hear how nobody could ever love me. How they are telling my children to kill themselves. How so many people want me to die. "Now you can kill yourself!" I am very sorry I have upset and, hurt people so badly they want me to die. I thought I was a good person and, thT people could be around me and, care about me. I miss little things like hugs or, having family or, friends that want me around. I just can't seem to do everything they right way. They are right though, th I snis my fault. I did this to myself and, I lost everyone that I love so much. My life was perfect because,  it was filled with love. I was lucky. I love my children. I am told every day that I don't and, that they do not love me but, I have unconditional,  never ending love for them.  It hurts to hear people using them but, I should have been stronger and, maybe they would still love me. 

They are perfect.  I am so in awe of how smart, kind, loving, generous and, everything good in life. There will never be words to let them know how loved they are.

I have been fortunate to have been able to have so very nice conversations and, I wish I had been able to talk in person. Sometimes, it just doesn't work out and, that is OK.

I used to have a home full of love and, laughter. Recently, I found the child of my heart and, believed that life was getting better and, that I was getting stronger and, that I could get my life back. I just couldn't maintain. Like John used to tell me, if I could have maintained and, done the right things, everything would be different. 

I sorry that I "cost myself" the budding friendships/relationships as well as friends I have had for a long time by reacting. I am not sure what to do. I know very few people are going to be able to be there for me. I have to be there for them and, show I care before they can care and, I cant manage that. I had high hopes because,  I thought I was stronger. I thought I could handle the situation I am in and, I can't.  

I don't want to let everyone down. I keep doing it though. I really want to be better and, do better. I want people in my life. I want my children to love me and, I want to be there for them. I wish I wasn't the person that keeps letting them down.

I am so very sorry that I cant sto I what is happening.  I have  been told so many times what is happening is my fault. I am not sure how how or, why but, there is ao much l can't right now.

I know that people want to be there for me, for my children and, that we have had a lot of help. I am happy that we are blessed. I know things are looking up and, life is getting better. I appreciate the patience people have shown me, thos has been a difficult and, hurt filled time in life.