I Have Lost My Mind

All I can say is that I tried to do the right thing and, tried to trust the right people. 

I am sorry that my life didn't matter in the right way. I know these people have done too many things to me for me to ever be able to have any kind of normal life. The amount of times they have removed my free will and, the resulting problems in my life and, the bleed over to my children's lives, it is all too much for me to deal with. 

I am told that I am not alone, that there are people who understand what I have gone through and, what I still am dealing with. Since I can't find anyone who will talk TO me about any of this and, I feel abandoned and, hurt so badly by my own family and, friends that I am not sure I am going to ever be ok. 

The people that have done this to me for so long, the technology they use, the lies they tell, the way very few, if any people believe me, what is the point? When so few people are willing to listen to anything you say and, every person you asked about all of this has lied to you and, continues to lie to you, what good will come out of that? Every day, the amount of joy is reduced. The amount of people I can believe have any desire for me to remain alive is staggeringly low. I am always wrong. Always made fun of. Always left. 

I don't want my children to have to deal with all of this anymore. I know for sure that I am the problem. For whatever reason, I am too stupid to learn how to behave in a way that will make these people stop doing this. They remove free will then, I am guessing any humiliating or, stupid thing I have ever done is replated to anyone and, everyone. I have never seen any of the things they show except, once while driving I was shown a brief clip of my daughter who they say I beR to death! She is alive, just no longer living with me and, because of this "gaslighting" I will not be able to be with either of my children again! Every other thing they show is a mystery to me. Since I can't defend myself and, they have shown this shit to every single person in the world, I am done trying. I have lost every single reason to survive.

I have no friends, no family, no peace, no happiness, no hope, no future, no reason to keep trying. When you have lost everything and, everyone that has brought joy into your life, what's a life with zero chance at happiness? 

I am so stupid, I made the last person in my life hate me. That person brought so much to my life and, I wish I had been a better friend to them. The pain and, humiliation of the things that have been said and, done have taken a toll. To hear "they're just words" no, it isn't just words. Words cause lasting damage.

Just now "are you aware you are the one that finger fucked Sophia?" I am told all kinds of horrific things about the people I once lived and, how they feel about me. I have come to terms with the fact that, everything they say people feel about me that is bad, is probably true. Everything I say, they "prove" I am a liar so, I just don't care anymore. How long can I beg for my life and, for people to talk to me before I give up? 

My dad told me a long, long time ago "anyone who gets to know me, will hate me!" and, that is obviously true. I can do anything like a person does. I am without a doubt defective. What kind of person am I when even my own family does this to me. 

Each reason they gave me for doing this was either not something that was part of y life or, something so twisted and, distorted I barely understand it 

Several times over the last five plus years I have been told that people have been trying to kill me most of my life. That much is probably true. Several people have admitted this same thing. Why it made no difference to anyone, I think I am defective. 

There is just something wrong with me. Something that makes people steer clear. They sometimes will be near me for a minute but, nobody is there long term. Sometimes it's me but, more and, more lately, it's me.. Everything about me is wrong, like they tell me. Yet, the reasons they did this is out of jealousy for the woman I was! Afraid to be yourself is something sick. Afraid to be yourself because, you will be hurt so badly for things that are just part of who you are, how much pain can one person handle.

There is no longer anyone in my life. My family and, friends didn't believe me and, lied to me about so many things that I needed to know to survive. How do you continue to want people who hurt you in your life. They can all blame me all they want and, some of them do. It's my fault for not understanding why they didn't want to talk to me and, left me guessing at life while being tortured. 

Guessing at who I am talking to