I Am Too Hurt

I can't get anybody to understand anything I say and, it is very obvious that I am not going to ever be able to deal with all of this 

Every fucking time I think I am getting somewhere with these people, I am shoved backwards so fucking hard that it makes my head spin.

I feel so unwanted, stupid, worthless, ugly and, it is obvious that is how I am seen in this life. All people do is lie to me and, fuck with my head and, heart. My life is a game and, this game is over. 

I can't handle the emotional turmoil and, the pain and, humiliation has become unbearable. I feel so stupid for believing that someone could actually want to be around me, that someone actually could care about me. How stupid do I have to be to actually think someone could see the woman I truly am and, that they could actually give a shit. They were right, nobody will ever give a flying fuck about me and, if I believe them, the pain will completely take over and, they will hurt us both. Nobody gives a fuck though. They just keep playing games. They act like someone living me somehow makes me not live my kids as much and, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. 

They do all kinds of horrible, abusive, sick things to me to either "test" me or, to prove some point that didn't have anything to do with me in the first God damn place. I have lost my ability to handle this. 

I thought I met someone who actually could see me as a good woman, aa good mom. I thought he could see the real me. The me that they keep lying about. I thought he cared about me.. That he wasn't ashamed or, embarrassed to be seen with me. I thought he was the most amazing and, wonderful man. He taught me so many things. I saw things so very differently than they really are. It is obvious that I lost too much to be able to come back from this. There is nobody who will ever be like him and, each time we would get along too well, we would be too happy together, these people would fuck with my head. Instead of opening to me and, talking to me about any concerns he had, he tells everyone but, me. I wasn't worth even telling me why you didn't want to be around me.

Adding to the horrific amount of abuse and, pain, they attack everyone who has something as simple as a kind thought about me. I had hoped that because of who introduced us, that would not have been what happened here. Maybe because I truly believed this man cared about me and, that my heart would be safe with him, I believed too much. There were so many things that I clearly was so fucking stupid about. Things that I believed and, things that are 100% me and, I believed he saw me for me. The pain is so amplified by the fact that I let myself fall for him. He introduced me to people, took me places and, on dates. He was kind to me and, he treated me like he saw not just me but, that he saw me in a way that made others see me in a better way. 

I don't usually give a shit how people see me but, not only because of what these people have done to me makes me aware of how people see me. It was him too. I wanted the world, even if it wasn't the way things are with the world, even if it was just our world, I wanted people to see me as a woman worthy of him. I didn't believe people would see me the way he saw me but, I wanted people to know that I was worthy of a man like him. 

I wish I had been. Everything he did, when he believed in me, made me know, not just feel but, know, that if someone like him would take a chance on me, then I can do this. Not just any man makes a woman feel like that. Not just any man could walk into my life and, make me feel like that. HE, BRIAN ALVES, made me feel like that. The man that he showed me isn't a man you find every day and, I wish I had been able to show him the same kind of woman. I wish I had been able to be more than a snack. A game.

He is the kind of man a woman dreams about. 

I wish people had believed me or, tried to. I wish this hadn't been done to anyone, ever. This is the hand I have been dealt and, I know that my children could understand when I was being treated in a way that made me feel safe to be and, when I wasn't. When I was around people who were right for us and, when I wasn't. I know my children know I love them and, they (🤞) love me. My relationship with my children is a special one. One built out of years of respect and, trust. The kind of relationship where you can't find a crack so, you can't get in. You can't break what we have and, people will never understand that. I didn't brainwash them. I love them. That is how I love. I won't talk shit. I won't disrespect you. There are a lot of things I will not do and, I will compromise. It isn't just about me. 

I didn't do a fucking thing to John that his own fucking family didn't "tell me to do!" I get told that all the time. I am not 100% sure if that is true. I know they kept telling me that I didn't do "anything wrong so, they made me!" People don't see me like a person that is honest. I have even heard "we trusted you until, you started lying!" Nothing I have said has changed though.

I am shamed and, humiliated every single day. Treated six adult and, told to kill myself all the time. Told I don't put my kids first and, that I don't care about them. Called a psycho, a murderer and, a lot of other things. They wanted to make me the patsy, the fall guy for all the crimes they have committed, I didn't think they would be able to.

I loved Brian. I feel stupid now for believing that he cared about me. It has nothing to do with one specific detail of our lives and, how they came together. It has to do with EVERY detail of how we came together. How we I teracted. How I thought, we understood each other and, had such an easy and, happy time together. I thought he thought I was beautiful, smart, funny. I thought he saw me as a person and, was able to see me. Able to appreciate what I bring to his life and, that he knew what they have been doing to me  I never expected him to act like what they are doing is ok or, something I deserved. I never expected him to say things to me that he knows are complete lies. I would have helped him with anything. Helped him figure out any issues. Together, I thought we were stronger and, that we could rely on each other. I wanted to much from someone who didn't feel those things about me. I know it was a short amount of time and, that some of the things I feel people believe are products of being so badly abused. I can't change how they feel. I can't change how he feels.ci can't change anything.

This man, I am so grateful he came into my life. I will always be grateful. I have heard he did this to us. They tell me all kinds of horrific things about him. He, until just a little while ago, never once made me feel like he wasn't there for me. He had my back and, I tried to have his. Nobody gets it though. My kids come first, that is something that I shouldn't have to say. The fact they have beaten me down so badly as a parent that I feel like I have to say that is sick. I know some of the decisions I made, he questioned. He should have questioned me and, just talked to me. I am capable of having a conversation with him, even if I didn't like what he had to say. I believed in the qfeelings he didn't have so, a conversation from someone I thought I my wanted the best for me would t have been a bad one.