I Am Sorry, I Can't Take Anymore

I have tried so hard to show that I am a good person. I am lost now. Shoved to make decisions I don't feel confident enough to make. In love with a man who clearly hates me. I miss my children. I miss them so much and, at the same time there is so much pain. I feel completely alone and, I am pretty sure I have never, ever hated myself more. 

They keep telling me I did this to myself. I do not understand how though. 

I am not doing very well. I feel like the ugliest, stupidest, most worthless, most unwanted piece of garbage in the world. 

I don't really understand what is happening and, why it was ok to treat anyone like this. 

I can't handle stress anymore. I don't really know what I did wrong tonight and, I am really sorry for whatever it was. I hurt and, angered my friend. He has been helping me learn how to I guess learn how to be homeless and, I am not learning very fast. I don't know where he went and, my dog is gone too. I thought he said he was going to go and, get the dog but, neither of them have come back. 

I feel so pathetic. All of this has hurt so badly. I am not really sure how I became so worthless but, I am. 

I don't know what to do or, how to recover from all of this. I know I must be the stupidest thing in the planet. 

Their words "rescue yourself, Jennifer Butterfield." Make no sense to me. I believed we help rescue each other every day. Our friends and, family shouldn't feel burden or, shame helping us. We shouldn't feel fear finding joy and, peace when we are with others. I have never fit in. I usually feel like the outcast. I have tried to make sure others know how important they are in my life, in part, because of this. In reality, I probably fit in with a lot of people and, in a lot of places. Being "gaslit" which is the equivalent of being abused so badly it is nothing less than being tortured and, knowing the people I cherish in my life are being hurt because I cherish them, it is killing something inside of me. 

My children are able to bring the pieces of me that are being so badly hurt back. My friendship, unexpected and, life changing, brought something else back. I felt like I mattered and, that I was special, I was important. Not Alex and, Sophia's mom but, the woman I am. The woman that became their mom. The woman that felt like her life had been nothing but, a sick game for others. That woman suddenly felt like she was still a person. That she was seen by someone for who she is. Seen as more than just that thing that is only on this planet to take care of everyone else. Suddenly, I had value. I was becoming a whole person. Not a something, an actual person. Someone who has things that she is allowed to have because, she deserved to be happy too. 

Don't misunderstand, my children make me happier than I can express. They weren't the lives of my life. They were the universe that provided my life. When they were ripped from me, so suddenly and, unexpectedly, I was lost. I existed in a world where I didn't speak the language. So hurt that I couldn't figure out how to function. This world, the people in it, I didn't belong. They didn't understand the language I spoke. They didn't want me to exist in their world unless I could change everything about what I was. Nobody believed I was a person. Just this thing that they only had around to cause pain and, humiliation. Even the people I considered family, even they turned and, showed me that I wasn't good enough. Their hatred of me had been something I was unable to see. 

My friend showed me what it felt like to know someone cared about the someone that I am. I must have taken that for granted. I just have put too much pressure on him. I relyed on our friendship too much. I didn't do enough to make sure he felt the same about himself as he made me feel about me. I did something wrong and, to be abandoned so suddenly, it has made me very aware that he needed more and, I was so self involved that I wasn't there for someone who was there for me. He did every single thing I had begged for and, I let him down. I wasn't able to make him feel as important, special, not needed but, WANTED. I wanted him to spend time with me. I didn't want him to feel like I didn't learn how to be me and, stand on my own two feet without him. I am sure if it came to that, I would be able to do it. 

I didn't think it would come down to it like this. Abandoned for not being strong enough to ignore the pain of hearing how hated I am, how I failed my children, how I should just kill myself, how I am too fat, lazy or, smelly, I felt and, have been made to feel so disgusting and, unwanted. I have been hurt. Badly hurt. I need to go to the doctor. Something is wrong with me. I have never had any kind of foul odor or, taste before. Nobody has ever said anything even remotely like that in my entire life. I am terrified. Each time I fuck up and, am left wondering what I did to make people hate me and, leave me like this. Leave me while I a being severely abused. Leave me when I don't know why people don't want me around, I feel even worse. What did I do? Why doesn't anyone want to be around me? What do I need to do to ensure that the people I love and, want in my life remain there? Why do the people I don't care about demand so much from me and, they flat out refuse to let me focus on who and, what is important to me. They make my life miserable. I get punished, severely punished if I do anything that makes me, me. Anything that makes me stronger, happier, be seen as a good person or, mother. 

Jennifer wished that she could have been able to love who she chose, without being told they were wrong for her. She is sorry that she didn't do enough for the people she couldn't find reasons to be without. She is sorry for the pain and, humiliation she was told she caused others who were in her life. She wasn't able to understand why she was hurt like this and, she is sorry. She needed stability, to know that someone cared enough to be with her. That someone out there didn't want her to be hurt or, feel abandoned. She needed to know that how she felt was important too. She needed to be able to believe that she was enough. That someone was capable of choosing her and, that she could be loved like a real person. After everything the world throws at people, she just needed to know that she could count on someone she loved to be there for her. She was a kind, loving woman who was much more sensitive than most people could see. She knows she wasn't an easy person to love. She wasn't an easy person to be around. She was too needy and, she wishes she had been stronger.