Fuck Life, Nothing Is Worth This

I hate being alive. Every fucking bullshit day is horrible. I hate the sound of my own children's names because, they have used them to hurt me so badly.

Trust is worthless. Anyone I trusted has turned against me and, I am sick of being hurt. There is zero chance of me ever trusting anyone again. They think all of this is funny. I can't get anyone to believe that these people are killing me. They are DOMESTIC TERRORISTS and, they won't stop until I "am dead and, in the ground!" So, that's all it takes to make them stop since there is no authority in the universe that can make them stop.

My heart is so broken at this point I am never going to be able to have another person near me for the rest of my life. They will do and, say anything to keep people out of my life no matter how badly it hurts me or, them so what's the point? Just like they say what's the point of doing this if I survive! At least they made sure I won't survive. Who gives a shit though? 

These people have demolished my life. There is nothing I will ever be able to do that will fix anything. Somehow, as long as they kill me or, get me sent to jail they feel like they will get away with everything. 

I am sick of hearing "trust your husband!" That dude is an epic asshole that abused the ever loving shit out of me. He tried to make me feel like every fight was my fault. Hearing "voices nobody else hears" was my fault. Every problem in our relationship was my fault. I believed that for a long time. I had friends who tried to help me realize that the abuse and, his cheating all the time aren't my fault. When I finally built up enough strength to leave him, they started yelling me to stay with him. Apparently, he treated me like I deserved to be treated! 

"Sophia is your only child!" No, I have two children. My son doesn't answer the phone when I call and, I have no idea what these people have been telling him. I only know that he doesn't talk to me. He may hate me the way they say he does, in the end I will never know. They told me early in that they would take my children and, I would never see them again. Not that anyone can do anything except hate me and, I am now ok with that.

I have learned to hate myself. Learned that I have no value and, that it is easy to set me up so badly that there will never be anything I can do. That my own family would rather lie to me and, help torture me than help me survive. That people will walk right the fuck out of my life no matter what I do or, how I treat them because, their "inner voice" will always take over. I have no value in this world and, I hate being alive.

I cant handle this anymore. There really is no reason for me to try anymore. Every single reason I had lived life, they have used to hurt me. To listen to all of these people though, everything is my fault. What did I do? Who fucking knows, as long as they can take it all out on me.

I loved my life. My children were the center of my universe. I have been punished for calling John the love of my life instead of my children, all the way to being punished for not wanting to take back the most abusive man I have ever been with. I can hear that people don't believe me. It is clear I am the problem, even though I have done nothing.

I don't want to understand how people can get away with murdering people. The one that was so angry John married me and, not her yells people that I kidnapped her children, that is how she got some people to help her. She initially was going to frame Johns family and, me so that she was all John had left. In the end though, there are so many names and, voices tossed around that they were right "every person I meet, I will wonder if they did this to me!" and, that is no way to live. I am not living anyways. Afraid to leave my tent, afraid to talk to people, afraid to let anyone into my life because, I will be hurt and, so will that person, afraid of being happy since, they do not allow me happiness. Nothing is going to get better. They can't be stopped since I am a drug addict so, because of y addiction people have been murdered, arrested, imprisoned, tortured, hurt and, it's because of my addiction and, the fact that I did not want to kill myself and, when I finally did want to die, I wasn't able to go through with it! 

"John Butterfield told you the truth about Sophia!" Yes, he told me he knew I would never hurt my children. That is the truth. Anytime I would ask him about anything related to this "gaslighting" as they call it, he would deny all knowledge. He swore he didn't hear voices. He swore he didn't know any of these people. He swore he had my back and, that he was there for me. What a joke. All John did was lie to me and, then blame me for the lies he told! I am glad he is gone and, I will never take him back.

In the end, there is zero chance of my long term survival anyways. Being tortured has removed any future I fucking had. It has become obvious that pretty much the entire city I live in is aware of my life and, believes the worst about me. It is not only humiliating but, terrifying. I am sorry they believe the worst about me. I have done nothing to deserve to die but, that is what is happening. I am sick of being set up. Sick of being hurt. Sick of trusting only to find out j trusted the wrong person. Sick of being lied to and, lied about. Sick of pain and, fear.

I wish people had believed me. That they had gotten to know me without these people in my life. I am sorry that so many people believe I am a liar. 

I will never be able to get any kind of closure or, any kind of help for the things these people have done to me. The constant "you weren't raped" after they made sure that I knew I had been raped the night or or early morning of September 29/30 has made me realize, I will never be seen as a human being again. There will never be anything that will remove the horrible feeling of complete and, utter worthlessness. Each time they tell me it didn't happen it feels like it is happening again. Violated over and, over and, over. Abused over and, over and, over and, there is nonendcin sight unless I end my life like they demand!

"You are the first person to survive being gaslit only to go to prison for everything they did!" I am not a child abuser nor, am I a child molester. Their lies have hurt my children. They did this to my children and, their peers at school! I am the first to admit I have made many mistakes, I have admitted the things I have done. They have used my children to the point where I am done dealing with this life. I DID NOTHING 5O MY CHILDRE AND, I CANT STAND THE SOUND OF YHEOR NAMES. When I hear their names, they no longer connect to a person. Even in my head I can't connect their name with the actual person. I can't picture their faces when they say their names either. I have told the that for years, yet they refused to stop. I hate the sound of my own children's names! 

"Her phones almost dead, then we can call the police and, there's nothing she can do!" Nobody is here with me, so I wonder how they know my phone is almost dead!

"Brian has enough in you......" really. Ok, well that summed it all up for me! 

I will never be able to trust anyone again. I don't know everything that has happened to me because of the extreme trauma and, I never will. I am giving up. I am sorry I didn't sooner. I believed that the things they were doing were wrong and, that they would eventually be caught. I was wrong. It is me that is the problem. "If there had been no Jennifer none of this would have had to happen!" I have told the truth about what these people have done to me and, it only made things worse. I have been so severely punished for saying who has been doing this to me that I am afraid to continue trying. I can't turn them in or, they retaliate against me and, my children. 

My dear is they won't be stopped and, like so many of the other things they have said to me, they will be able to get both of my children to kill themselves before they turn 18 like they said! Without being able to talk to ANYONE about any of this, EVER, I have had no way of knowing what people believe and, what is going on in my own life. People around me, even ones I believed I could trust, even ones I loved, are strangers to me. 

"Even your own family wants you to kill yourself." "Your step Dad raped you!" "Grandpa didn't take you, you wanted it!" When I was told not long ago that my step dad tried to kill himself after finding out how many times my step brother raped me, I heard in my step brothers voice "what did you expect me to do? You still lived here!" It took a long time before I even became aware and, then came to terms with the fact my brother roofied me. So many horrific things have happened and, I survived them. This however, has become more than I am able to handle. 

I did nothing to deserve to be tortured. Nothing to deserve to be treated this way. I am sure that the other people they have killed also did nothing. They decide that someone is guilty and, that they escaped justice and, they will punish you until you die. They don't stop. 24/7 until you go insane. You are not allowed to talk about any of this, nobody will believe you anyways, you are not allowed to get angry, frustrated, say anything back or, you will be treated worse. If you do anything to try to better yourself or, your life, you will be punished worse. The only choice you truly have is to die.

I am so hurt that survival is no longer an option. I wish that if there were people that believed me, they had talked to me about all of this. I feel so alone and, worthless that I can't find enough reasons to survive. There is so little happiness left in my life that the pain of all of this has taken over. Nothing will ever get better. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, there isn't even an end of the tunnel. It is non stop and, tomorrow will be just as bad or, worse than today. There won't be any moment in life again where I can be happy and, let my fuad down without fear of punishment. There won't be a time when I can be with my children and, not be reminded of being tortured or, be afraid of doing something that someone will twist into a reason to accuse me of something. I have no family left. My life will be one of solitude and, fear. They were not caught so, every house will make me wonder if they have come back to hurt me more. My decisions and, words I will forever second guess. We're they mine or, someone else's. If, for some reason, I let my guard down and, am stupid enough to be in a relationship, I will never be able to believe that person truly cares about me and, I will never believe they would be faithful to me. I will always know that I will never be capable of being enough to anyone. I will never trust myself again. Each decision I have made for the last six years have driven to be the wrong choice and, it gets pointed out constantly. My best will never be anything close to good enough. No matter what happens to me or, my children, I will be afraid to call the police. It does no good anyways. I will remember the horrible, hurtful things that all of these people have said about me and, to me and, they must have been accurate things since nobody wanted to be around me or, have me in their lives. I must be as worthless and, disgusting as they say. Too fat and, ugly and, terrible at everything. Afraid to let my guard down enough to even try to have sex since I am the worst person in the world in bed. John couldn't even keep his dick hard because I am so gross. Too afraid I being made fun of to get wet yet, that's why they say it want rape, because I got wet. I am too afraid to live and, too afraid to die. 

Which one is worse