Devastation
These people are sick. Sick in a way that I doubt can be fixed and, it's funny to them.
Control. The basic desire is nothing more than control of another person, another life and, they have obliterated my life. Complete and, utter devastation is all that is left in their wake. Like every other time, it is my fault. I have done it, said something to "push" everyone away from me and, make them hate me.
They have done some terrible, fucked up things to me and, then when they choose, for what seems like no reason at all to me, things go from real to fake. I will be told all kinds of things and, it's all fake. It could be minutes, hours, sometimes days and, then, I am told everything is real! For me there is no rhyme or, reason, other than to keep me and, most likely others confused about what is actually happening.
It is horrible, there is no solid ground, nothing and, nobody I am able to count on. I have trusted people and, trusted that I would be able to tell someone who wants to hurt me and, not help me and, been incredibly wrong. I gave up a while ago and, just said fuck it. It's not like there was something I could do to make these people stop attacking me. They change what they demand if I give in to them so I might as well just do whatever. I am hated either way. I am easily abandoned by nist people either way. Left with my life spinning out of control, told to make choices based on information I do not have and, information that I have no idea if it is real or, not. The right choice is often times worse than the wrong choice.
I feel so fucking stupid and, pathetic. I try to listen and, take the advice given to me. Grateful that there are some people who still want to see me survive, they are in control of what I hear. Up, down, in, off. None of it is something I control. My life is in their hands and, there is nothing anyone can do. I am told it's on me to make it all stop. I am not supposed to sit, not supposed to leave my tent or, they will "rob you (me) blind!" Almost everyone I thought I could trust had turned on me. I am not certain why I am so hated when I keep telling the truth about what they are doing to me. I fucked myself pretty good though and, I am sure that nobody is going to believe me now.
"People are trying to trust you!" Yeah, no worries, this one is completely my fault. I fucked up and, I can't unfuck this one. I hate some of these people so much for the things they say they did that I don't care if they set me up and, I don't care if I fuck them over. I am told things they put my children through and, they say them with such ease that I know they don't give a fuck. Since I can't get people to talk to me, in person so I have a chance at knowing that what I hear is what is said.
I am sick of being "tricked" into saying things that are then turned into bullshit. I said that I love someone, somehow that means I don't live my son! So, I have to sit here and listen to this sick bullshit about my child. I have no clue if they are telling him these things but, they probably are. I end up panicking since my relationship with my children is almost non existent at this point. Blamed on me and, it makes no difference what these people have done to make life this way.
"Right now, who do you love?!" They have destroyed my life using love. I no longer believe in love. Each person I loved has been used like a poisoned dagger until, I am so wounded there is no way to feel love, hope, happiness it, anything else. Love to me, is a death sentence, a curse that will do nothing good for your life. Love is the worst thing that could ever happen, it only brings drama, hatred, jealousy and, death. There is nothing about love that is good anymore. It is just another reason for people to torture me to death.
I am sick of these people. Sick of listening to them use others like weapons. Sick of their name dropping and, acting like I have somehow wronged them. I just am sick to the point where life means absolutely nothing to me. They have hurt me so badly that I know I will never get over this. Never be able to trust. Never be able to believe someone has my best interests at heart. Never be able to believe anyone gives a shot about me or, anything like that. I have tried desperately to trust and, been so fucked over by it that, I no longer trust my own mother. Everything I hear is suspect.
I have no clue why people would want this to happen. Why they would lie and, scheme against me to make this happen. Why my own family didn't believe in me. Why I am the bad guy and, so hated. I am at the point where I also do not care.
They write me off, ok. They hate me, ok. There is no place I can go where I am not hated, ok. I have already given up.
"Kill yourself, Jennifer. Everybody turned on you!"
Fine with me. That's what they have been going for since the beginning. Most of my life, I am told. I am ok with this. I have adapted and, learned that I am unwanted in this world. What's the point in trying when there is nothing I can do that is ever going to be good enough? Everyone hates me, including my own family. I can't get anyone to talk to me, just at me. Who knows if anyone is aware what these people can and, will do to get away with their crimes. In the end, I am so depressed and, so hurt by the things that have done that I find no point in life. Life to me is nothing but, pain and, they refuse to stop
"This is everything you wanted, gone!" Thanks to their mind games and, sabotage. If people are listening and, can actually hear what they say to me and, what I say to them, I have no way of knowing. They pretend to be so many people and, without knowing who is actually talking and, what they are really saying before they change the words, I am dead. Since everything I ever wanted has been removed by people and, I am so hated that nobody believes me, there is no longer anyone to turn to. No hope = no life.
Sorry I made mistakes and, wasn't perfect. Sorry people didn't want to be around something like me. Sorry that I couldn't stop them and, I couldn't handle this anymore.