Please Stop Them
Every single time I start to get my life back, it gets worse.
I don't know why they can continue to attack someone and, everything is their victims fault, not theirs. The are not responsible for anything they have done, I am responsible for what they have done.
I can't keep fighting. I'm sorry I ever tried. Something is very wrong with all of this.
If there is a worse group of people than these people, I have never heard of them! They hurt me so God damn badly that I can't remember a lot. Instead of helping me, supporting me emotionally or, being anything but, psychotic, they hurt me more. These were my in laws, my parents, my friends. People I cared about. People I trusted.
They hurt me beyond what I am able to handle. I thought things would get better or, that somehow, people would understand that I have tried and, done everything I can and, without them stopping what they are doing, nothing else I do is going to make anything but, more pain and, my eventual death happen.
They are killing me and,, it didn't matter to almost anyone. Instead of my family being there for me or, trying to help get away from the abuse, they just pushed me away and, lie to me.
I can't take anymore of this. They invade your brain, you will never be you again. They control what you hear this way and, you won't ever know what is good about you again. Maybe you are like me and nothing is good about you.
All these people I hear and, most of them blame me. Even people who used to believe me, who used to know that this isn't my fault, that I do try and, they refuse to let me live. They twist everything to shift the blame to others while they pretend they didn't do anything but "try to help me!" It's so negative and, about how it's my fault. Even my mom, I just have to hear how they are "just telling me the truth!" How my own children blame me for the things that have Happened.
They say all these things that don't make sense and, they say them over and, over and, over. Then, if I even think that must be something about when I can't remember, they hit me with "see I told you she could remember!"
I am so hurt and, this hurt will never go away. This is the kind of hurt that you know without a doubt will be with you forever. The kind of hurt that will make the rest of your life hurt. Nothing is ever going to get better. Nothing will ever be good again. They keep telling me this is the rest of my life and, they are right, this will haunt me for the rest of my life. Every interaction will be tainted with the stench of what they have done to me, what they have gotten away with doing to me.
According to them, they warned me so, it's my fault.
According to them, when I try to get my kids back together, they don't do anything, I just give up for no reason.
Everything is my fault because, I am a drug addict. "You do drugs in front of Sophia!" I am not sure why they have forced people to watch me be tortured to death but, that is what they have done. Tracy does drugs in front of my daughter, IN PERSON. Tracy gave her gabapentin. I can't see anyone, it's easy to lie to me and, blame me. It's easy to hurt me.
I have lost people I love so fucking much.
What the fuck does you're trying to see it my way, what the fuck.
"You have lied to us, Jennifer Butterfield!" It's a constant game where they hurt me and, blame me for it! There is no point in trying anymore.
John lies to people about me and, they attack me too. All these things I didn't do, all these things they use to kill me and, I didn't do a lot of them. I wasn't perfect, I made mistakes. I admit them. I end up taking the blame for all the things they do. They can have my life. What's the point?
My life has been destroyed. Even though Tracy admits this was her plan, she has for years, I hear so many people defending her. They say it's her using so many voices but, either way, my life is over.
In person, most people have no clue what I am talking about. My mom keeps telling me if I think actual people are hurting me I need to check myself in. She keeps telling me that. I am going insane. It's non stop.
This is a death penalty crime but, instead of stopping them, they abuse me "to make me stronger!" How is singing songs about using my own thoughts to torture me something good? How is telling me Tracy is going to die while John is in jail and, he will hate me forever, a good thing?
They want me off drugs so badly they make my life unbearable. They don't say anything in person and, there is no way for me to know what is true about people anymore. How hard is it to talk to someone. To sit them down and, just say this is what is going on? All anyone had to do was remember that I was a person too
Tracy tells people the only way my kids will see me is if they watch me, illegally, while she tortures me to death! While they watch and, listen to me be ripped apart from top to bottom and, they don't think there is anything wrong!
How can they see me? I have never given permission for people to watch me. According to my mother, they can't. The only way I am told things. No support, if I ask in person or, in the phone or, text, I am told none of this is being said and, it's not happening.
Told things like my daughter has AIDS or was molested. Told things like my son killed someone. Told things like my dad shot my mom or, my mom shot my dad, they woke my daughter up in the middle of the night to say those things to me. If I react, I get hurt worse. If I don't react, they call me a psychopath and, start blaming me for things they have done. They have set me up so many times that I am giving up.
Now, they tell me it didn't happen. Like I am fucking crazy! What is the God damn point? Everyone hates me anyways. Nobody believes me anyways. Nobody gives a fuck anyways.
I listen to someone tell me every fucking day, how much they hate me. Then they turn around and, tell me they love me. There is nothing I can do, you hate me fine, I don't love you anymore because, I am tired of you telling me how much you hate me. For them, especially when I am dying, to turn around and, tell me they live me after listening to them tell me they hate me so many times is the most disgusting thing in the world.
I am so worried that I am going to lose the last few people that are actually in my life that I become a "doormat" I get made fun of for being friends with people who make fun of me all the time. How people I believe in are not at all what I believed and, how my instincts are so bad, I can no longer trust myself.
THESE PEOPLE HAVE DONE THIS MY WHILE LIFE. I GET TOLD HOW NONE OF THE PEOPLE I HEAR EVER LOVED ME. HOW NOBODY HAS EVER LOVED ME AND, HOW NOBODY WILL EVER LOVE ME. NONE OF THESE PEOPLE WANT TO BE AROUND ME. IF YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME AND, NEVER WANT TO BE AROUND ME. YOU TELL ME YOU HATE ME AND, I AM NOT AROUND YOU TO KNOW YOU DON'T THEN, THAT'S WHAT I HAVE TO BELIEVE. YOU DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND ME BECAUSE , YOU HATE ME. I can't get my life together while people are tearing it apart. Nobody will just talk to me like I was a person too. I am so hurt and, broken down that all I want is to die.
There is no support for this. Nobody I can turn to with questions. Nobody who can tell me if the person telling me they hate me is the person they say they are. They spend three years trying to convince me they attacked me physically, they raped me, tried to kill me several times then, they tell me now, it never happened. They try to make me believe someone they said hurt me the worst, me and, my daughter, that he is the only one that cares about me. The only one that will love me or, help protect me, my children, my brain from the horrific things they are doing and, saying.
They have caused me to lose so many people that, I am afraid to let people into my life. I don't want anyone to be so close to me that it hurts me when they leave me and, I know they will leave because, I didn't do anything and, they all hated me and, left me anyways. I am not sure that anyone believes me.
My mom tells me none of this is real but, it is real. These are real people. The things they have done to me, those are real things. The fact I can't remember a lot of time, not here and, there but, chunks of time, time when they say they hurt me the worst, They held me captive, kidnapped me, raped me but, they "kept me so drugged up!" Nobody will ever believe me. They just keep telling me this is what I wanted!
They will cover up anything that I need to know to help save my own life and, then tell me I am a drug addict so everything is my fault. Drugs aren't the reason these people are killing me and, drugs aren't the reason they got away with it. Drugs are a byproduct of everything they have done and,