My Son

 I am sorry that this is the way my son has to have the way I feel about him and, what has been done delivered to him. I always had an open and, honest conversations with him and, they both deserve better than this.

I wish my life had been different. I tried to be a good mom and, if I had known something like this could happen or, how to fight and, keep us together, I would have. I feel like a failure and, you deserve a better life than what this or, I can ever give you.

I hope you know I did try. I didn't just give up right away. I couldn't be there for you in the last five years and, I should have been. You have never brought anything but, happiness to my life. Not once in the last 16 and, some years have I ever felt anything but, love and, admiration for you.

I am sorry that other people's extreme jealousy and, hatred of me has caused so many problems. I know you blame me and, my addiction. It is an easy thing to do. I couldn't handle the pain, humiliation, shame and, guilt I feel. So much guilt for not being able to help you not just through being tortured by these people and, the effects it has had on your life but, through normal life things too. 

I am so sorry I let you down in every way possible. This is the only way I can get them to leave you alone and, hopefully give you privacy and, respect.

These people, even the ones we are related to, they are very different than us. Please do not lose the person you are to the things they do and, the anger that rises up because of all of this. It is my biggest wish for you, to remain the living, funny, brilliant and, weird person you have always been. You are special and, your personality and, the joy you bring to life, it is needed in a world like this. I can't make you understand how I feel when I look at you and, what you have brought to my life just by being yourself. I have learned so many things from you and, you are the person that made me realize why I was put on this planet to begin with.

I had hoped this wouldn't be how it all ended, I wanted so badly to see you again. To give you a hug and, head your voice, it wasn't meant to be though and, I have to accept that. Nothing I will ever do is going to make things better. Somehow, every time I do anything, it only hurts others, including you and, your sister. I can't handle that. I wish I could have found help. Found people that would have stood up with me and, openly talked about this. Without that, there was no way I was going to survive. After over five years of saying that, people still didn't want to talk to me. Without being able to talk about this and, receive help, they were able to say and, do whatever they wanted to with no way for me to know what might be true. 

What I know is real is my love for you and, your sister. You two should not have been pulled apart and, this is not your fault or, here in any way. I need you to know that. There was nothing that you could have done to change the outcome of all of this.

Their stupidity, belief that they are never wrong and, are perfect and, their lies, all of this could have been stopped. Long before it ever touched our lives, it could have been stopped. Your grandpa, Mike, was murdered by these people, there is more than enough evidence of that. I wish you could have known him. You and, he have the same way of being able to cut through most people's drama and, games and, see the truth that others may have missed. Your ability to say what needs to be said, even when others tell you not to or, that you shouldn't is not as common as you would think. I believe it is because you understand who you are, like he did and, you allow others to be who they should be. Your acceptance of who people are and, the ability to guide them to a path that leads them to a place they didn't believe they could reach is a good thing. 

You are a leader, you have the ability to guide in ways you don't understand. I remember when you were so little and, we were at a baseball game for Uncle Ryan and, you wanted to play on the playground. When I looked over to check on you, all the other kids were following you. Younger and, older. When you know who you are and, what you will and, will not accept from others and, do not treat them in ways you refuse to accept for yourself, you will earn the trust and, respect of others. When you know who you are and, you know you can be confident in yourself because, you know who you are, you can inspire others and, they will listen to you. Do not ever give up on yourself. Even if you walk alone, walk with your head held high and, stand up straight. I believe in you. Always. Without question. You know what is right for you. I am proud of you, Ali. I always have been. Nothing you have ever done has made me feel anything else. I love you. Love is a hard word for me now but, I truly love you. Not just because you are my son. Even if you weren't, you have brought so much laughter into this world. Into my world. You are honest with me and, I hope that you are able to find the strength to be honest with everyone. Sometimes, it seems like it would be easier to lie. Less hassle, less trouble. In the end, the truth will come out and, people you lie to will lose respect for you. Not only that, it will hurt them and, I am sure you know this. Never make someone feel like they didn't matter to you and, that's what a lie does. Makes someone feel like you didn't care about them and, that you didn't think enough of them to simply tell the truth. 

I know your sister can be a lot for you to handle. She is extroverted and, she is going to need you and, your love and, support. Please, don't push her away or, blame her. Don't think that I loved her more than you because, that is so impossiblay! You are two different people. Different personalities and, there is no way to compare the love I feel for each of you. Your difference's dictated that you be shown love in different ways. If I treated her like you it, you like her, you wouldn't have known how much I love and, respect who you are. 

Please try to understand and, forgive the choice I had to make. There was nothing that I could do to continue to handle the things that have been happening. Nobody should make your choices for you. Nobody should be allowed into your life, as you already know, in any way that is intimate or, close unless they respect and, treat you that way. In order to have a happy, successful life, you have to leave them at the door. Your home and, the family you allow into your home should be your sanctuary. A place where there is more love than anything else. A place where people you cherish feel safe and, welcomed. When you let them into your personal world, make sure they deserve to be there. 

Your Mom will always love you