I Hate Jennifer Butterfield

 I've hated her for a while now. How stupid can one person be? I don't know why she didn't give up a long time ago. It was obvious people didn't give a shit. Every day they told her how much they hated her. She didn't know what the hell was going on. Why her own family hated her. She was a drug addict so, they tortured her to death.

Her husband, he was a cruel person. He played games with her head so badly that she was ready to die anyways. What kind of a man has one of his girlfriends whisper to her so she breaks her phone. He told her it was no big deal "we have my phone, you can use it any time you want. I love you, we have this phone together." Then he leaves recordings of him having sex with other women in his phone and, tells her she can look at anything she wants. Makes a big deal out of how he has never done anything like that. He had told her before how he had gotten that all out of his system before he met her. That he wanted to have his family, his he was so grateful for them. Then, after she saw the videos, he tried to convince her that it wasn't him. As if she didn't know what he looked like, as if he didn't have identifying features on his arms. What kind of a man fucks with a woman's head like that.

He would tell her things then, accuse her of being the one to say it! Not only was he fucking with her head, he was ensuring people hated her. Even though she knew he said the things, others told her that it was her that said them. Other people swore it was her voice they heard. They would make fun of her, John would too, for saying that it wasn't her that said that! People didn't really give a fuck. They couldn't have honestly cared about her. Nobody wanted to be around her. The last few friends she had, they did this to her out loud, in person the same way Johns mom did for a while! She had nobody left who wanted her to live. 

Every day for the last two weeks or so, even her own children hated her. Their desire to kill a woman who did nothing to them was too much for her to survive. She had no baseline for what was and wasn't true. Her relationship with her family is gone. She was worthless. There is no other explanation for the way things happened. She had nobody she could trusted. Every single person who said they cared about her, said they believed her or, was willing to let her be around them, they all hate her now. Four years of being told how this was done because if her daughter, she had to let go of the life she had. She became afraid if her own children. They became the ultimate weapon if hate so complete and, evil that there was no way to stop it. 

Love became the worst thing that could ever have happened to her. Love is something so bad that she would rather die than ever experience it again. Love, the most painful thing that could ever be felt. She loved her children, she thought they loved her. They were close and, she tried to be there for them in every way she could. She has been told that she was only a good parent because, someone else took over. Told she was the worst parent in the world. Told she was a child molester and, how people she once thought of was family were able to get children to say she molester them. In December, the push to prove she was a child molester became so huge that Johns mother even accused him! What happened that she would accuse her own son of hurting my daughter? Clearly something is happening that nobody will admit to. If I die, so do the questions.

She remembers in the first Thanksgiving John was back, when they finally picked her up, long after John told her to walk home, she heard someone ask if they could tell her the truth, let her in on what was so important to cover up. As always, the answer was no. Before John came back, the six months,  give it take,c things had almost went away. For the most part, people left her alone or, they were much nicer to her. She heard people talking about someone being raped. She heard her own brother telling her to stop having sex on his bed. She heard people saying "Sorell" raped her. She only knew that name as one of her brothers online friends. His friends though, when she asked, he said they all lived across the country. She told her brother some of the things that were happening to her and, asked him if he could ask his friends if they had ever heard of anything like this. She was a stupid bitch.

There were too many things they kept admitting to her. She liked some of these people. She spent so much time with them and, she began to truly care about what happened to them. She began to believe she was hurt, even though she had no memory of most of the things they said, she began to believe terrible things were done. She said that they kidnapped her, took her from Reno to Carson City. Someone wasn't happy about that "You weren't supposed to take her out of Reno!" How could that person not have known she was kidnapped if they held her captive like she had been told? 

She was sorry that people didn't believe her. Sorry her own family hated her so much. These people, she knew nobody could understand how she felt and, at the same time she knew that she was left to interact with them after she was physically hurt because, she would grow closer to them and, she would have a difficult time turning against them once she did. Maye that's partly why they turned in her. She would have continued to tell the truth, about all of them. Her children were not the only motivation to try to stop them. She didn't want anyone else to go through this and, she had been told that she wasn't the first person who wasn't able to remember the things they had done! They hurt people, kill people, practiced in people so that they wouldn't make mistakes this time. 

She was a kind person and, she tried to believe that this would end. That things could work out and, get better. She refused to stop believing that people could give a shit about her. That somehow, somewhere there was someone who remembers the person she was. She was wrong. 

The way they used her live for her children to demolish her, no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't handle any more. She couldn't stand anymore. They refused to stop and, things kept getting worse. She finally understood that she was the problem. She shouldn't have listened to anything they said. They told her that there was no way for her to ignore them and, when she tried, they hurt other people. That was how they did this. They hurt her but, if she didn't comply, if she didn't bend to their will, they hurt people she cared about. Eventually, those people hated her. It was her fault they were being hurt. Why couldn't she do what they demanded. What they demanded would either change randomly or, was something she did and, had been punished for already. There was nothing she could do. 

She was not a monster. She was so badly hurt and, lied to that she simply couldn't care anymore. These people, they were happy, it wouldn't be much longer now. They acted shocked and, like they couldn't believe she would begin to hate the people she thought would be there for her. Instead, they pretended they didn't know anything. Pretended this was all in her to head and, caused by drugs. They told her she was stupid and, crazy. She couldn't care anymore. If she did,cut only made the pain worse and, it didn't matter anyways. This was her fault. She wasn't perfect and, she was supposed to be. She didn't know how to care when caring caused more pain.

Every day she was told how she lost her children and, everyone else. Every day she was hated more and, more. Hated by people she loved she didn't know why. Why would it be ok to use the people she cared about to hurt her. It wasn't just her children that they used to shame her, berate her, hurt her, there were other people too. Her mother who would come and, sit with her when she was so afraid eventually she realized that her mother was lying to her. She knew what was happening. She even got angry with her for talking to these people who raped her. For caring about and, loving them. Yet, when she talked to her mom in the phone or, texted her, she didn't have a clue and, acted like it was unheard of that people were hurting her. Her own mother acted like she was crazy.  A lot of people acted that way. None more than John. John fucked her life up forever. He made her realize how hated she truly was and, just how fucked her life was. How she ever believed he loved her or, her children only made her feel stupider. They denied all knowledge and, at times made it sound like they were her victims. They wanted to blame her for what they had done to her and, if that didn't work, they wanted to prove she was crazy and, that nobody could believe anything she said. After all, she was a drug addict so, why should anyone believe her? She learned to loath herself. She hated herself so much. 

She was worthless. There is no question about that. The things these people did to her, things they did to her children (even though her daughter swore nobody hurt her, nobody would talk to her and, she couldn't trust what she heard. They would cover up or, alter things so much that she didn't stand a chance) so, there was nothing she could do. "Stop using. Go to rehab." Only, they didn't want anyone to believe her. Their lives rest on nobody believing her. Yet, to say they were sabotaging her was simply unheard of. They would never! 

She tried and, for the last year the only thing she could do was try to survive. She tried to hold on, she tried to understand, she tried to believe. She was an idiot. They acted like they cared and, it was her fault when they stopped caring. Everything was always her fault. She needed to know what was real. What people were hiding from her but, nobody gave a shit. Why hold on to life when it will only be memories of how hated she was? Only be memories of people who said they cared but, didn't want to be around her? Memories how how people could have helped her but, chose to lie to her and, abandon her instead. People she trusted who set her up and, made it her fault. They had to do this to her but, you can take comfort in the fact that to them, image "wasn't tortured that bad!" 

She went from a newlywed who truly believed she had found her soulmate to, being homeless and, hated. What exactly did she do? She found out that John "knew what he was getting into!" He volunteered to be with her, he never loved anything about her. She was just a fat, ugly bitch but, she wasn't the person they believed she was. She was nice and, loving so, "they made her" fight with him. They have admitted that more than once. It was always her fault though. John knew what they were doing and, saying and, made fun of her for it. He defended them and, made fun of me. He lied to me so much and, used those lies to try to say that I was doing this to these people. Now, when I try to speak up about why I can't ever have him in my life again, I get told that my kids hate me for telling the truth. That my kids believe John was her savior and, not someone who abused me and, them! 

Jennifer knows now that they don't care. She cared about people who hated her from day one. They refuse to stop terrorizing her. Refuse to help her. They have no problem using the issues they helped create against her. Turning me in for staying in a place I shouldn't be in instead of being homeless like she deserved was "doing her a favor." Being nice to her and, being who they said they were was unheard of. In the end, she didn't believe there was anyone who gave a shit. Nobody cares about some fat, worthless, loser who didn't do anything but, be happy even though she was fat. She has confidence even though she should have already known she wasn't worth anything. How could she be a person? She wasn't allowed a full range of emotions. She was supposed to take the abuse and, keep it to herself. She wasn't supposed to stop caring about people even though they hurt her so badly. She couldn't understand why one minute someone cared and, the next the same voice would tell her how much they hated her. They were never able to pick one feeling and, to with it. They refused to tell her the truth about things in person and, they still punish her for believing and, for not believing. Nobody could just treat her like she was a person and, she realized a long time ago that she wasn't a person anymore. She would never be a person again.

She was responsible for the people they murdered. It was her fault and, she knew it. "If Jennifer hadn't been born, we wouldn't have had to do this!" They told her they were going to hurt her brother because, they knew it would hurt her. "If you had killed yourself sooner I wouldn't have had to hurt other people. They will blame you for other people being hurt!" "Nobody will ever believe you!" They didn't believe me. They blamed me, they hurt me and, I didn't do anything to stop them. Everything is my fault. Maybe if I had been perfect, had dinner that was healthy enough, did more(or less) for others, let John lie to me and, cheat on me and, just be happy that he was around sometimes, tried harder, kept a cleaner home, if I had done something the right way, maybe they would have stopped. I forced their hand, gave them no choice. I am sorry that this has happened. I didn't do anything the right way and, I am sorry. They already told me they know I don't feel guilty for surviving but, I do. 

If I hadn't lived John and, been stupid enough to have believed him, maybe things would have been better. He told me he didn't want his dad's house at the wedding because, he didn't like them and, they would cause problems. Now, I am told it is because he loved someone else. He was with someone else, even though he said he wasn't. He got me good with that. When he came back from prison he had this whole speech about how he was married to me and, she was never really part of his family. How his family should have been trying to help me and, been there for me. I didn't know that he was using my voice. He used my voice even before he moved in with me. Things like "Angela has such a cool personality" said with my voice so people believed we were friends. 

My mom knew everything, same as others. She didn't seem to care though. I told her what was happening, she didn't believe me. Now, she says, only this way though, that I blamed only Angela or, only Tracy. I have heard her say a lot of things and,they are always terrible things about me. Making fun of me or, blaming me. I am told her husband raped me and, she defends him constantly. She actually said "that's how you stand by your man!" These people swear it is her and, they have told me when it was someone else a few times as well. I can't ask her though, she never knows anything and, last time I tried, she hung up on me. I am unable to get help, therapy will only result in them doing this to the therapist until I get sent to the looney bin. I "belong in a straight jacket!" When the people you thought would always be there for you don't believe you, what do you do? I asked a lot of people, I told a lot more people what they have been doing and, nothing changed. I heard members of my own family over two years before they say I was raped. They tell me almost every day that my step dad, brothers, uncles raped me then, tell me that I wasn't raped! I have heard my mom say I deserved it and, I wanted it. I know that my brother had me drink something that was roofied and, he got it from one of his friends. The things they say they did to me and, my children, I think they did them. I also believe that they were whispered to. I know they "kept me so drugged up nobody had to whisper to me" and, that I am missing a pretty big amount of time. I believe that John drugged me so many times when he came back from prison that the drugs no longer had the same effect and, that he and, my brother had people come into the apartment and,behave sex with me. I know they poisoned me. The effects of that not only came close to killing me but, I had white lines that went horizontally on my nail beds. If I had gone to the hospital, it wouldn't have ended well. They would have said I did it to myself or, whatever else they have already been saying. I tried to tell my mom but, she didn't seem to.o believe me or, care. Vóuàqn y