I Don't Know If I Have Ever Done Anything Right

 I can't imagine what people are gaining by destroying another person. 

Even though I have admitted my mistakes, it's not good enough. I know that this isn't meant to get someone to want to survive and, I am trying to keep going. Trying to keep surviving and, I am not sure that is what I am doing anymore.

If I don't give them whatever they demand, I am the problem. It is becoming more and, more obvious that these people will not be stopped. What they are doing is highly illegal. It is dangerous and, I believe ultimately, it will be the downfall of humanity.

Someone just said they believe it is survival of the fittest. A sneak attack so deceptive that these people can "trick" your brain into thinking whatever they want you to think and, it is horrifying. Survival of the fittest clearly means their survival, not yours. They are apparently superior in every way so, they decide how you choose to live your life. They decide what is best for you, what you can and, can't do. They decide who you are and, if you disagree, you are the problem.

I am seen as the problem by so many people and, treated worse than anyone could ever deserve. They have justified it in their minds and, God forbid anyone so much as say they are on my side, supportive of free will. They change their minds very quickly. I didn't do every single thing the way they demand. I thought it was ok to be myself and, even though I am not doing very well and, I am trying to handle this in a way that is not healthy or, legal, I believed that survival was important. 

I feel alone in a world where I am so unwanted my own family is ok with me being tortured to death! I am the problem in these people's lives. Just "look what I have made them do!" I didn't make them do anything. I don't know how to use nor, so I have access to, the technology they use. They just said they "got me now!" because, everyone has access to this technology! If that doesn't frighten you then, nothing ever will.

All it takes is one person, just one, who doesn't like you. With frequency offset, one becomes 10. 10 becomes, 100. If you decide that it isn't something you want to learn to do, you are immediately sunk. This is a capitol offense meaning, when caught, you will be eligible for the death penalty. Which, only makes them fight harder to not be caught. 

Let's be real, they haven't been difficult to catch. They could have been stopped many years ago. Personal gain and, control of others has become more important than humanity at large. My life, one life, will be snuffed out to help cover up all of this and, it will have made no difference. 

They say this is a "satellite attack" and, it obviously is. The thing is, this started before satellite technology became what it is today. Before satellites and, the things that could be done with them, there was MK Ultra. 

Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't put any stock into MK Ultra. I would have wrote it off as just another way these people have tried to make me question reality. It might be nothing more than that however, since they brought it up so often and, the tactics they have used on me are MK Ultra tactics, it should finally be talked about. 

While writing that all I heard was someone say "great."

They have said this started with my grandfather, J.J. Halton. I have no way of knowing if that is true or not. I do not know much about him other than, he wasn't an overly nice person. There are conflicting reports of his death. He was either murdered or, drowned on his own. He was either fishing with coworkers from the Nevada State Department of Corrections or, he was fishing alone. He was either heard yelling, possibly after being thrown in the water or, nobody who he was on that boat with hear a single noise indicating he went into the water. He was either wrapped in barbed wire with, cinder blocks or, he wasn't. Even newspaper reports are conflicting and, while some of the things I know came from family members, J.J. is never a topic of conversation. 

Before I became pregnant with my son, over 16 years ago, I made my grandmother a calendar with family pictures and, important dates on it. I am embarrassed to say I couldn't remember her birthday to add to the calendar. I googled her name and, was shocked to find out my grandparents had been divorced and, later remarried. I asked my mom and, she said that she thought it was because he was drinking during that time period. I don't know if he was drinking. I do know he was going to bars to try to get some prison guards to talk to him about J.J. He told me once, when I was just a child that he had finally convinced one man to talk to him. They were to meet and, he was going to learn everything. That guard didn't show up and, my grandfather didn't hear from him again. 

During the last five plus years, I have heard things about my mother's family as well. I am not sure what to believe. On one hand, it sounds like a silly conspiracy theory. In the other hand though, it makes perfect sense. 

The way the basement door was huge and, not a door. It was cut into the floor and, you had to lift it up leaving a large area open. The stairs to the basement were along the edge closest to the windows and, there was probably less than a foot between the wall and, the stairs. A foot between the wall and, a large gaping hole into the basement. The basement wasn't something I went into very often. It was dark, full of a lifetime of things multiplied by a large family. It flooded often and, it wasn't necessary for me to be down there. 

My grandparents house was old, it had no insulation when built and, single pane windows. Northern Nevada gets incredibly cold, cold enough to ice skate on the river. Insulation would have been important, even when it was built. It also had a root cellar in a side building. I am not familiar with foxes. Why they would be housed at any point at my grandparents ranch, that was built by another family before they moved there, is anyone's guess. There was an area, past a couple of fields, down the lane, that was called the fox pens though. I have heard there was a tunnel from near the house to the fox pens, I never saw it though. I do remember a building, an outhouse with a ladder, who knows though.

Some of these people were/are obsessed with sleeper cells and, they were trying to find one. My family, both sides, Johns family, who knows. It's not like this is something that would be talked about like dinner conversation. 

I don't know nearly as much as people believe and, the things they have done have made me feel like I don't know anything. The whole thing is sick. Nobody is allowed to talk to me in person until I stop using drugs. At least that is what I have been told. I am a drug addict so, it is ok to torture me. It is ok to spend three years convincing me of horrible things that were done to me that I have little to, no memory of. It is ok for them to now try to convince me these things never happened at all. It is ok to abuse me and, anyone else they can as long as they are able to cover up what they have done.

It is ok to give me an STD three times and, then blame me and, say I gave it to John. The last time I have been told and, I believe it, that John took a piece of someone else's vagina and, put it inside of me. The woman he took it from was thrilled that now that I have a piece of her in me, I would become like her! 

There are a lot of things that John did that people say I am lying about. It is difficult to explain why I kept taking him back. The fact that people would hurt me to take him back or, use people I care about to manipulate the situation. Sometimes, I would start to feel guilty, maybe I was at fault after all. It was easy to believe that I was the problem or, I was looking at things the wrong way. Not very many people would say anything about all of this and, even my family keeps lying to me. Maybe they are lying because, I am the problem.

The few people that did try to get me to understand I shouldn't be near John, they all hate me now. I can't blame them for being frustrated. Telling me that it's my fault because, I kept taking him back is difficult to hear. Difficult to accept that the abuse was and, is my fault because, I kept taking him back. I should have been stronger. I should have tried harder. It has been said, a lot, that I should have learned how to deal with all of this sooner. I don't think I or, anyone else, should ever have to learn how to deal with this. These people are removing the free will of people, causing severe damage to people and, it's our fault for not learning how to deal with it? 

This shouldn't be done to anyone, nobody should have to learn how to deal with this. Nobody should be told that people removed their free will and, it's your fault for not being able to fight it "the right way!" What the fuck is the right way?

I wasn't perfect, by any stretch, I didn't believe I should be murdered though. There is no way to gain any forward movement. If I manage to gain any ground, I will inevitably do something to push me farther back. My fault for not spending my life trying to watch for people removing my free will.

Now, there is this push to prove how perfectly amazing John is. Everything he said has to be true. He said some pretty outrageous things and, slowly, each thing is becoming true.

I am so beaten down by the non stop barrage of insults and, humiliation that, I don't want to care anymore. It is not my fault that some of the things these people did to me are causing lasting issues. I get it, I should be able to take better care of myself. I don't see the point in it when, it will only be used to hurt me more. I am just a selfish, greedy, ungrateful waste of life. My kids are better off without me, according to them. I am so depressed I don't want to try anymore. It only makes my life and, the lives of people I care about to do anything that makes me seen as a person who isn't scum of the earth.

Being told things like "John did the best with what he had to work with" or, "John scraped the bottom of the barrel when he married her," "John treated me better than I deserved," it takes a toll. They are going to "abuse me until I find the ugliest person I can to be in a relationship with, just like John did when he married me!" I am so "disgusting John can't keep his dick hard!" It's non stop. They don't just use John. My kids, especially my daughter, is another one of their favorite people to use to hurt me. 

If I ask, nobody knows anything, in normal ways to communicate. Then, they prove they know way more than I do. Now, I can't trust anyone. There has never been someone I could go to with questions or, to get clarification. Now, I don't even have friends. 

They tell me hundreds of times some days, to just kill myself. I am scolded if I think about it and, told it's just a stunt if I try to kill myself. I can't seem to find the strength to end my life though. They say they are having too much fun to stop and, will do this for the rest of my life. 

I didn't learn my lesson yet! I am not sure what lessons I needed to learn so badly that this was how they teach me. They decided I wouldn't learn unless I was homeless. At no point, EVER, do they admit that they have done anything to alter my life into what it is now, it is always my fault. I get told I gave them what they wanted. Maybe, it would have been easier to understand if my family had talked to me about this. If anyone has talked to me about this. I was thrown into something I had never heard of and, didn't understand and, it was sink or, swim. People don't usually believe me because, my families participation in this. It has taken too much out of me. The fear of losing more or, never seeing my children again, like they swore would happen, the depression and, anxiety of always having to question everything and, everyone, it's too much. Even people I considered my closest friends, they weren't who I believed. I can't trust anyone and, I get told it's drug induced paranoia! It's people trying to kill me and, I can't understand why people are all ok with this.