I Can't Fight For My Life Antmore

A I am sorry that people are unable to understand there is no way to get over the amount of pain they have put me through. 

I am supposed to think about my children, they used my children to hurt me so badly and, they still cram them down my throat every 39 seconds. Constantly reminding me that I am not doing enough to be a good mom. Constantly shaming me about my children. It never ends, even though I told them how badly it was hurting me. I told them the mental issues it was causing me. 

They keep saying one of them molested my daughter. Since I started hearing them they just keep saying it. Now, they are accusing me of molesting her. They are using my memory loss from the multiple times they attacked me to say that I "conveniently" don't remember. They tell me I am a liar and, it is non stop. I am giving up. What's the point?

I am sorry that I am such a worthless bitch. I am so hurt I can't handle it anymore. I have taken the blame for so many things. Someone I looked up to and, respected for the way he treated people has shown me that I am the problem. 

The pain from what they have done using my children, it has destroyed me. They blame them then, just like being raped, they accuse me of blaming them. I was a good mom and, I don't understand how people in my own family see me as such a horrible person yet, anyone I asked Denise that they can see me. I can't find myself anywhere and, they have done too much damage to life.

They can have my life. It isn't worth this. They literally tortured me, abused so many people and, most of those people blame me too.

I am sick of being set up. They ask me all the time "how many people can see you?" Like I fucking know. How the fuck would I know? I don't know how to do this. I don't know what the fuck is going on. Apparently, I answer that question each time though. That was news to me, most things I am told I say it, do are news to me! They have proven that themselves. How many times can they admit what they are doing and, nothing gets any better. Life shouldn't be like this. You shouldn't have to fight people like this just to try to survive.

I did nothing and, my own family has abandoned me. My kids blame me and, I am so depressed that I am having a hard time functioning. When I do anything to better my life, even just find out the name of a place to get help, the abuse is brutal. They told me I would never be happy again, they wouldn't allow it, they were right. What's the point of life? I am not allowed to know what is real. I am not allowed to be happy. They used my kids and, love as the most powerful weapons they have and, then they tell me this was my idea! How was me never seeing my children again, not being able to raise my children, killing the only dream I ever had, how was me dying my plan?!

They hired people to kill me. They admit they have been trying to kill me for years. People who I thought cared about me were only pretending so they could hurt me worse when the time was right. "How does that feel?" Thousands of times a day.

Non stop abuse. They tell me it isn't abuse, they are just trying to make me a better person. They are just telling me the truth. They are just teaching me lessons. This isn't abuse, this is what I deserve for not giving them what they wanted. John abused me for my own good! They wouldn't have had to do this if I had just............ I made them do this to me but, luckily they tell me they don't have to do this anymore! Why did they have to do this in the first place?

They abused me to death. Tortured me to death. Nobody could do anything to stop them. People's hands were tied because, I am a drug addict. If I had just done what they demanded, they wouldn't have had to hurt me or, anyone else! I have been told they couldn't be stopped because of me. Tracy laughed when she told me she killed people and, got away with it because, everyone is so focused on me! They killed people! They are domestic terrorists. They just keep blaming me.

They know I can't remember. They all know that! I have been told that they have had this same result before! I started hearing the abuse that they have admitted to doing almost my entire life 2.5 years BEFORE they say I was raped. 2.5 years before they say my daughter was molested. They could have been stopped over 12 years ago. My uncle and, some of these people "go way back!"

They keep accusing me of horrific things. If I say they killed people, I am told "so did you!" I am not a child molester. I am not a rapist. I am not a murderer. I am done trying to understand why I am so hated. Done trying to understand why people pretended to care about me. Done trying to understand why my own mother would lie to me. They know what they did to me. "I tested her every way possible. She doesn't remember so, do whatever you want!" They have killed me and, they justify it with "you killed yourself!" Same as they say about the other people they killed.

People I was so close to, my support system, these people do not believe me. I have said before I wish I could remember, only to be told it's better that I don't! I heard that I am missing at least three months of my life. My mother in law and, her son can deny everything, it makes no difference now. They not only did this out loud, directly to my face, they have lied to me and, about me so much that I don't know who they truly are. They are strangers to me! I fell in love, married and, was murdered by a stranger! 

I took my daughter to the hospital. I tried to explain to the child advocate what was happening. She said the doctor wouldn't do an exam because, "it had been longer than two weeks and, they would have to dispose of any evidence!" I took her back again, that time I also had some steak seasoning that I believed they had drugged. Same as they drugged the food especially Johns food. A muffin Angela gave John we gave to Sophia and, Angela T. absolutely freaked out when she found out Sophia ate it! She freaked out when she found out that Sophia, Alex and, I drank the juice that apparently, was supposed to be smokey for John. We were a family. We shared everything.

They drugged me, even in Carson. I remember one of them was furious that they had to "send John home because, I was having a bad trip!" I had never done hallucinagens. The most I had ever done was eat a tiny, less than a pin head of a mushroom. "You lie. I told you to eat the whole thing!" What the fuck. I didn't eat the whole thing, a small, tiny amount. A close friend had previously told me that those weren't for me. That it would be very bad for me! I trusted that person so, I didn't do them. My uncle was in the Navy and, has a lot of tattoos. At least it seemed like a lot when I was a kid. He always told me to never l, ever use dirty needles. I know he meant for tattoos, I held on to that, like other advice from family members and, not only made sure my tattoo needles were clean, out of the package or, sterilized from people I trusted, I also never let ANYONE inject me with anything unless it was a medical necessity. NEVER. I HAVE NEVER DONE ANY NEEDLE DRUGS, EVER. I never had the urge and, I was and, still am afraid of becoming an IV drug user. They hurt me and, they will do anything to cover it up.

I already found out that I got this storage shed that I am sitting in because of them. Now, it is becoming clear the manager and, the clean up of the storage area l, while it has made it a nicer and, safer area, is because of these people also. All part of the plan. It sounds insane. "What would make me so special that anyone would do something like this to me?" "It's not a conspiracy theory!" It clearly is though! 

The person that is no longer my friend had a neighbor that swore he was being hurt. He had strange sores, burns on his ankle that I saw once. He had a tent, like an igloo sort of, made out of tin foil, a lot of tin foil. I head him a few times this way, he said the foil didn't really help and, I had read somewhere that if you took the mesh out of three microwave doors and, used that, they said that helped. I have no idea if it does but, I can only hope he is ok. The time I saw his ankle though, he said that someone was hurting him to get his apartment. Now, the people that live there are part of this!

The first time I heard it isn't a conspiracy was when I posted a picture of tiny wires hanging from the ceiling fan in our living room. The things that have been done are huge and, far reaching. There will never be a way to stop this from happening again and, I know it has happened before. No matter why this group exists, what they believe they are doing for society, they have acted out of jealousy before. Several times.

The way this has gone, the layers are deep and, I hear all the time people heard my voice! The fact that I do not know how to do this and, refuse to do this has barely made a dent in their plan. 

All the excuses they have for doing this to me, it's always something about me. How I treat people. How I don't think about other people and, their feelings. How I am selfish and, greedy. How I think so negatively about people. How I lie so much. How I tricked John into marrying him. All these things that I know aren't at all who I am. I wasn't perfect. There are things I wish I hadn't done. People I wish I still had in my life. Ultimately, this has changed some things, a lot of things about me. They use then same words and, phrases over and, over and, eventually I end up saying those things. They have manipulated things to the point where it certainly seems I am nothing like the person I truly am. 

The fact that John was a part of all of this, along with my own family members, I am not sure how or, if that damage can be repaired. He was a big part of all of this and, if I had been smarter or, payed more attention or, stronger maybe I wouldn't be in the position I am in now. I trusted him, even when I shouldn't have and, in the end, I know l, no matter the reasons, letting him come back so many times has made people blame me.b

I am no longer able to handle the life that I have. I wish somehow, there was a way to get people to understand, I am innocent. The pain of losing my family, or knowing I married a man who never loved me or, wanted to be in my life, a man who volunteered to be in a relationship with me because, nobody else wanted me and, they needed the plan to move forward, someone who knew what was being done to us and, chose to lie to me and, cheT on me until I know just how stupid and, unwanted I actually am. Someone who had affairs with women who have been trying to kill me. John did very bad things to me and, on top of being tortured and, the things that have happened because of that, I guess I had hoped more people would not only try to help make this stop but, that they would be able to talk to me, not at me and, be slightly more compassionate.

I am done trying. Done listening to these things that make me seem so pathetic. I never knew people could be so horrible to each other. They told me a long time ago, there was no way for me to stop listing, I don't know what that meant or, why they said it. There are tons of things that I don't know. 

What I do know is that I tried to be a good mom and, to do things the way I believed worked best for us as a unit. We were a team. They were my compass, my motivation, my everything, my kids. John wasn't kidding when he told me that my dream was dead. 

My life is a nightmare and, I am to blame. I am the problem in so many lives. I did this, I guess all of it, to myself! After all this time, I have lost all hope. I am grateful for the few people that still believe in me. I can't take this anymore. There is only one thing left to do and, after listening to these people this morning, I am more convinced than ever it is the only way to get them to leave people alone. 

Life won't get better for me.