I Am Not Ok

 I hate life. I hate people. I hate my children. I hate my mother. I have no family. No friends. Nobody to ask for help. I just can't care anymore. I am not mentally or, physically capable of it. There is no longer anything I can do. 

I don't care if they kill me. I don't care if they hate me. I don't care that I am a drug addict. I am sick of being alive. There is no fucking point to it. 

I will never care again. I do not have any reason to want to live. Who would want to live? Nothing about me that was good is still inside of me. There is nothing good about me. There is no reason for anyone to care about me. I hear, in minute detail, everything that is wrong with me and, how I don't think about my kids enough. 

Guess what?! I hate my own children now. I hate their names, I hate everything about everything and, everyone I once lived so much. 

John Butterfield, is the biggest fucking loser I have ever met. I would rather die than be forced to take him back. Now that I am "strong enough" to not take him back, I am apparently strong enough to stand trial for finger fucking the little bitch I gave birth to. 

Nobody fucking gave a shit that they were using my kids to hurt me. Nobody gave a shit they were using them to kill me. My own worthless family helped do this to me. They didn't fucking care either. Nobody believes anything I say. My own family has excuses why they did this. 

THEY DID THIS TO KILL ME. It worked. Nothing about life is good. Nothing brings happiness. Everything and, I mean EVERYTHING, that made life happy was used to hurt me. Why should I want to live? I was a mistake from start to finish. The way everyone treats me proves that. The way people left when I needed help the most and, the way I was punished for asking for help, proves enough to me. My own mother lying to me and, then helping do this proves it to me. I do not have to survive anymore. There is nothing left. ITS MY FAULT BECAUSE, I AM A DRUG ADDICT! I WASN'T A PERSON WORTH HELPING BECAUSE, I AM A DRUG ADDICT. ITS WAS OK TO DO THE THINGS THEY DID TO ME BECAUSE, I AM A DRUG ADDICT.

I do not have a purpose in life anymore. I am nothing. I only bring pain l, shame and, humiliation to the people I cared about the most. I hear about it every God damn day. It is a fucking joke to people. I am a joke. My life meant nothing to people I thought loved me. Nobody loved me though. Nobody could stand to be around the mistake that I am. Worthless life. Nobody wanted to help me. In person, lies. In the phone, text LIES. They made sure I knew I wasn't worth anything. 

Anytime I try to tell these people what is happening to me mentally, they just tell me about Sophia. My feelings are invalid, everything about me is invalid. I do not matter at all. I doubt I ever did. I get it now. Nobody could ever truly give a fuck about me. I am not a person. I "have never been a person!" 

It was good that they made sure I knew that it wasn't "just Angela" that has been trying to kill me. She has admitted that she hired people to kill me and, that she has been trying to kill me for a long time! Nobody cares. She admits to breaking into my house and, using my soap and, shampoo to "smell like" me and, then urinating in it. That is ok though since, my brother and, John did the same thing. In fact, every single fucking thing they did to me, someone else has also done! 

It has to be me that is the problem otherwise so many people wouldn't treat me the same God damn way! "All these people can't be wrong!" Hahahaha that is what I said to Angela about her fucking bullshit. I also told her that every life she touches is worse when she leaves it, not that she is mentally able to leave peoples lives and, does shit like this when they try to leave her. She said her biggest fear is people leaving her. Since I am supposed to turn into Angela and, she into me so people can live her and, hate me, everything that people have said about her is something they will manipulate ubti my life so they can punish me for it! NOT ANYMORE. I will never give a fuck again. Ever. People have proven how worthless I am. They have proven that nothing I say it, do is going to make any kind of difference. I have to die and, there is no longer a reason to live. 

I can't even process my daughter's name. The second I hear it, I know I will hate whatever comes next. I am so sick of hearing that she is innocent. Yeah, so was I but, nobody gave a shit. Why should I continue to care about people or, life when I could t get my own mother to care about me? 

I tried to turn them in and, they would hurt people I loved and, hurt me. It was too much. Plus, they said they pulled the tips out of the inbox and, now I get told I only turned them in four times. Ok, well, fuck it then 

I didn't do enough to help myself or, stop them. Oh well. It doesn't matter to me now. I needed help and, I was stupid enough to have believes that people cared like they said they did. I was stupid enough to believe that people would help. I am not people so, nothing about me was good enough for anyone to just talk to me.

They say they heard John talking to me about things. He had other people using my voice so it seemed like I knew things. Of course, most others can see what is going on so, they would have known that it wasn't me. It made no difference. 

I have no way of knowing who is talking most of the time. I hear a voice and, I sometimes ask or, they tell me. I have heard my mom so many times. She makes fun of me, gets upset that these people raped me although, now she tells me it never happened and, they made it all up! How she didn't blame Tracy for hurting my son (later they said that was my step dad) how she knew about the plan and, what was going to happen to us. How I wanted to be raped and, how undeserved it. I hear her blaming me, like pretty much everyone else. I hear her defending Tracy all the time. "Tracy said!" Really, even my mom doesn't believe me.

I have tried to talk to her. Tried to get her help but, she doesn't care. She doesn't believe me. It makes no sense that she would tell me if I think people are hurting me I need to check myself in to a mental health facility. That she doesn't know who "they" are. She doesn't know a single fucking thing so, asking her if she said any of these fucked up things is pointless. When I said something about her and, John telling me the exact same lies, I heard John say that's because, she whispered to me!

They have hurt me so badly I just don't believe life is worth it anymore. In the last 24 hours alone, I have heard my daughter's name probably 2000 times! Nobody should be tortured and, to use someones children to kill them is sadistic. I loved them so much. They meant everything to me. I tried to be the best mom I could be. I wanted them, badly and, they were my world. When they were taken from me, by these people, I felt so lost. Upside down. How can they admit to taking them, brag about how they will make sure I never see them again, brag about how they whispered to coa and, the police and, I am the problem? 

John, obviously, never gave a shit about us. He was only in my life to make sure this plan moved forward. Only there to hurt us and, rip us apart. I was stupid to have ever met him in the fucking door. I am already hurt because, I married a con man. A worthless bastard that set me up so many times and, hurt us so badly. Then I get tortured and, I have lost everything that meant anything to me. Of course, this is funny to them. 

They just keep blaming drugs. Fuck this. I am giving up. Life isn't ever going to get better. There will never be any happiness. They are having too much fun and, are going to do this for the rest of my life. What did I do? Nothing! 

I am held to a standard that nobody could meet and, when I fail, I am punished. To hear people tell me that I don't matter but, my children do. To cut me off mid sentence so they can invalidate everything I feel, just to tell me about how I am making my daughter feel. I am not a person. I am sick of being told I torture her. I can't do anything good enough to not be punished. I can't have any conversation, with anyone. Each word will be scrutinized and, twisted until it meets some criteria to use for punishment. 

I have nobody. Not one person who could stand to be around me. Not one person who would just talk to me. Not one person I could go to with questions. NOBODY! 

They just tell me I am a liar all the time. As if they don't lie in ever sentence they fucking say! Every God damn one. I have no idea what is true and, what isn't. Things they convince me are fake, later they will act like they were real. Same if I believe are real. It's always shifting. Nobody is ever who they say they are. They love telling me that. I am always kept slightly off center. It's ok though because, I need rehab! 

What the fuck is rehab going to fucking do?! Seriously?! What the fuck? These people are seriously hurting me. SEVERELY HURTING ME. I am done living. Done trying. Done caring. Nothing matters to me anymore. The overwhelming amount of pain has finally taken over.

Nothing will ever be able to fix the damage. Nothing will ever take away pain of literally everyone hating me. I don't know why I truly believed that being innocent would matter. Why would being a good, kind person make a difference when, it is toi easy to manipulate me? I am not supposed to be with anyone but, John Butterfield so, anyone else is plucked from my life. 

I know they are doing something to people I care about or, who cared about me but, why believe me? It's easier to just pretend I am nuts. Everyone has walked away. Everyone hates me. Everyone blames me. I am done trying. I will never be able to recover from the trauma. There isn't a reason to keep trying. Why bother? 

I hate life. I hate the way I am treated. I hate the way they used people I cared about to hurt me. I don't believe in love anymore. How can live be real when it is what they used to cause so much pain? How can people say they loved me and, know how badly I am being abused yet, never want to be around me. Even my mom doesn't want to be around me. 

They used my daughter to keep people away from me and, now, I don't want to be around my children or, my family. Apparently, I am a child molester and, I don't care, sure the fuck am. What does it matter. They say they have proof and, my own family refuses to let me be around or, even talk to my daughter most of the time. I just do not give a flying fuck. Nothing I say matters. Nobody believes me. Nobody wants me around. Nobody will talk to me so why the fuck would I fucking care? 

They have destroyed my life. I can't find a job. I am homeless. Everyone hates me. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I KEEP DEFENDING MYSELF? IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE. I am not a person anymore.. I am nothing. I hate being alive. Why should I keep defending myself? 

It was on to torture me. It's my fault anyways. It's always my fault. I can't survive anymore. Why would I want to?