I AM NOT A LIAR
I have done everything these sick fucks have demanded, at least once except, kill myself. At this point, everyone has pretty much abandoned me. I "am not worth being around in person!" I have to earn help.
I feel like my hands are tied. I have begged my mom to the point where I am afraid to ask her for help again. All she will do is lie to me and, tell me all kinds of bullshit things. Then, I will hear her making fun of me and, telling me to get off drugs, that this is just "tough love!" How is there any love in this.
I don't know what the fuck to do. I have begged for help for over five and, a half years only to be told that I didn't help myself enough or, do enough to stop them! What the fuck?!
I am being attacked so fucking badly that I have very little reason to remain alive and, I get told I did this to myself! I forced them to do this to me!" It's my fault because, "I didn't give them what they wanted!" They have taken my entire life.
How does making me believe I am completely worthless help anyone? They have done this to every fucking place I have applied for work. They do this to people who cared about me and, I am sick of hearing how everyone hates me because, I don't think about Sophia! Hello, I do think about both of my children. Belittling me constantly and, lying to me so much and, leaving me with nobody to ask questions to in person has completely destroyed reality in some areas of my life.
It has become so bad that I have almost no way to make money at all. I can't sell anything on Facebook or, anywhere else. Partly because, they block it and, partly because now that I am homeless and, I had to ask John for help and, I am told he left a shot ton of things outside of storage and, lied to me about it. I can't get to the other storage shed since my bike got stolen, again. I thought I had a friend, maybe the best friend I had ever had. Someone who was there for me and, tried to do what he could to help me only to be hated by him because, I don't think about my daughter enough. So, now I have nobody who wants to be around me. I am a pile of shit and, I feel so worthless that all I want is to die.
My family tells me they don't know anything and, then they do this to me as well. Telling me that I don't matter to them as much as their sons do. I don't matter to anyone anymore. They will never stop hurting me and, blaming me for the pain they are putting me through! How is this my fault? I didn't do anything.
I hate being alive. They know they hurt me so badly I can't remember very much of it and, instead of helping me, they keep attacking me and, lying to me. I get punished for all kinds of things that I can guess came from the times periods that I can't remember!
I am sick of being told my step dad raped me then, being asked, WHEN WERE YOU RAPED? I can't handle this anymore. Fuck being alive. Fuck every part of life. I have nothing good left. Nothing worth living for. They spend three fucking years convincing me I was raped, now they ask me when was I raped, tell me they made it all up or, blame me saying I raped people. Every fucking day. Every day I feel completely violated all over again. Every day I feel worthless and, so disgusting that I don't want to live anymore. How can you convince someone that they were hurt like that and, worse then, make fun of them for it but, do absolutely nothing to hell that person?
How horrible of a thing do you have to be for people, a lot of people, to know you were raped and, all they do is make fun of you and, mock you for it?
I have no reasons left to want to live. My kids have been used as an excuse to torture me to death for so long that I no longer want them in my life. My family has helped torture me and, lied to me about it all so much that I have no family anymore. These people don't want anything but pain and, death for me. So much so that they attack others because of me. Everything about me is wrong and, it will always be wrong. What is the point?
If I care, I get hurt worse. It has become so bad that I can't care about people anymore. Why bother? They will only hurt me more. What's the point.
My life only causes pain. My life is only pain. There is literally nothing else left. Pain in to oif pain and, I am blamed and, made fun of for all of it.
I have nobody that gives a shit. Nobody ever wantsbti be around me. If I say anything back to the horrific things they say to me, I will be punished if it. If I don't speak in a way that somehow lets everyone know that certain people were there for me, even though they did this to me and, lied to me the same as everyone else then, they don't let me be around them either.
I feel stupid for ever believing anyone could care about this disgusting, worthless, ugly, fat, hairy, pathetic cunt. Nobody could ever give a fuck about that thing that I am. I hate being alive. I hate myself. I can't take this anymore. Nobody cares though. I am a drug addict so I am automatically worthless. They refuse to stop torturing me and, nobody wants me around and, I hate everything about life, I can't handle this anymore. I can't make the pain go away. I can't go numb anymore since drugs are the problem. I just don't want to live anymore.
I tried to do what I could. I tried to be a good person, when I was a person. I tried to be there for people. When John came back from "prison" I wanted our marriage to work. I couldn't spend as much time with the people I thought were my friends and, they blame me for that. I didn't know they abused me when I stayed with them yet, I am told all the time that they abused me badly and, brain washed me! I get told that they "had to separate" me and, my kids and, John because, I brainwashed them! How? With live and, respect?
I am so hurt that the second I hear my daughter's name, I instantly tune out. She no longer matters to me, at all. I can't help it. I didn't do anything and, they refuse to stop. They ALL hurt us, each and, every single one of these people and, I tried to be kind and, forgive but, it isn't worth it. They want me to die. They want me to kill myself. Nobody wants me around and, I don't want to be around anymore.
I was already awkward around people. Now, I am so hurt and, paranoid about what they might punish me or, the people I am around with that I can't hardly stand people. All because of drugs now. The latest and, most pathetic excuse. This is just "tough love!" What the fuck is that bullshit.