Do you know why she calls it a gaslighting?

Because she intends to remove your reality;

Not that my mother gave a fuck. There probably will never be another human being I hate as much as her. To know that I wanted to be like her makes me fucking sick. I have never been more hurt, humiliated, ashamed of being alive and, all I get from her is lied to so fuck Patricia Tookey. I wish that bitch had just aborted me, then these people could have lived the life they were "supposed to have!"

Fuck being alive. These people have destroyed my life and, I hate my own mother now. She didn't give a fuck what these people have done to me. I don't think anyone in my family gave a fuck. 

They tell me I deserved to be murdered because, I am on drugs. They terrorized me to death but, it's my fault. They planned on doing all of this to me. 

They have hurt me so badly and, there is nothing I can do. I have stopped using, for longer than their demanded time and, it only made things worse. 

They hurt me and, my own mom helped them. My own mom lies to me and, still lies to me. I never meant anything to her. All she cared about was standing by her man, who they tell me all the time raped me too. All she cared about was protecting her son's. I didn't matter to my own mom. I am done trying.

I am so hurt and, I miss my life so much. I miss my kids. I miss being happy without being afraid of punishment. I miss feeling safe. 

I am too hurt to keep to keep trying. Angela T. was right, she won! She used to scream that all the god damn time. Just like they yell goal all the time, using my friends voice! The pain and humiliation has become too much for me to handle. 

"Everybody told you to think about your kids!" and, I do. I think about how much I love them and, how bad it hurts to know these people tortured them too. That my daughter was so afraid of them I am told she owed her pants in front of Tracy. I think about how hurt my son is because, all the ever talk about is my daughter and, how it must sound like I don't love him. I think about how these people swore they would take them away from me and, I will never see them again and, how so many people made her dreams come true. I think about all of the labs I had for their future and, all of the things I thought we would have time for. 

They tell me I never think about them. I do though. I am afraid to talk to them anymore. Afraid they will use the conversation as a reason to hurt me more, like they keep doing. Make fun of me for the things I say or, how they will tell them to kill themselves because they still love me! They deny it all but, it is true.

I was at a friend's and, they started talking about their daughter and, I thought about my kids but, they continue to shame me and, tell me that I didn't. 

I am afraid sometimes to think about them because, they keep calling me a child molester and, they say they can prove it. Angela T. said John was and, she could prove it and, I have been punished for that too. I defended John for that and, a million other things but, it only made things worse since they tell me I never defended him and, I never defended him.

The pain that has done the most damage is how they used my children. They flat out say they are killing me for my daughter. I never did anything to my kids. We had a hike filled with laughter and, love and, they were my life. When the people torturing me took them, by whispering to the police and, CPS, they proved that there was nothing I could do to stop them. The way they continue to tell me I don't love my kids or, how I hurt them and, people believe them, it's sick. I have never and, will never again be as happy as I was when I was raising my children. There is nothing in this life that has brought me more joy and, now they are associated in my brain with being hurt. They say they killed me for my daughter! The little lives that weren't the love of my life, they were my universe, they were my life. 

They shamed me for calling John the live of my life. A million times they told me I had to think of my children as the lives of my life! I wasn't allowed to think like me about anyone or, anything after that! They were more than the lives of my life and, now they can't understand why I am not the same anymore. They no longer have the living, warm, filled with laughter mom because, these people used them to hurt me so badly I am afraid of what will happen next. They used the live I have for my children to hurt me. 

They used love in general to hurt me. Anything I lived they used as weapons. Anyone I loved and, people online believed lived me, they (at the very least their voices but, I will never know for sure( all tell me every day how much they hate me. I hear them, it isn't the drugs, it isn't this, it isn't thT, it's just me. Nobody could ever live something like me. Nobody could ever live someone so fat, ugly, stupid,loud, worthless, all kinds of reasons these people I once cared so much about have given me as reasons why I have no value to anyone. 

The promises to take my children and, how I will never see them again have come true. They now live across the country from each other. In different states as me. I am told that I only can talk to my daughter as a reward for acting the way they demand while they torture me! My son, he doesn't talk to me anymore. I haven't talked to him since Christmas. I hear him sometimes tell me to be myself but, that is something I get punished for. John told me once that he wanted his "happy, bubbly wife back" and, then I heard my mom laugh and, say when was she ever that?! John didn't want me to be myself for me or, for him though. He knew someone else cared about me and, liked me because of those reasons. 

Like anything else that anyone else likes about me, they punished me and, used those qualities to hurt me. 

They say things that come up in conversation later. Not long later, hours. I get blamed for doing this based on some of those things. MIND CONTROL TACTICS. Something they have bragged about doing from the beginning. Mind control. MK Ultra. They used tactics from MK Ultra on me. They put hallucinogens in our food and, drinks when we lived in Carson City. When I came to Reno they did much, much worse than put hallucinogens in my food and, drinks, roofies and, poison were the choice then! 

They are psycho. Someone used to tell me they were psycho, all the time but, they used my voice to do it so people blamed me, like they do for a million other things. She asked me what it felt like to be tortured by my own voice and, by the voices of my family! 

I didn't believe they would actually get me to kill myself. John promised me he wouldn't let them but, even he made fun of me for believing that people wanted me to die. He is never coming back into my life. Even if I survive, John will never be around me again.

It has done some major damage to my self esteem, all the things they say to me. All the nice things and, people were not real. I have nobody now. I didn't do anything but, be hurt and, I guess that's my fault. I tried to be there for people. I wasn't able to make this stop and, there is no greater pain than knowing that my children will never love me again. Their names, even though I begged for help and, for them to stop, will forever be connected to the worst pain I have ever felt. They will forever be connected to people torturing me and, my own mother lying to me. I want to die more than I have ever. I don't know how to overcome what this has done to my heart. Nobody will ever understand just how badly this has hurt me. Nobody wants to be around me, nobody tries to understand. I told them for years the damage they were doing, begged for them to,  stop. Nothing mattered though. Eventually even my mom stopped letting me talk to my daughter l, unless I behaved properly while people are hurting me. 

My mom just tells me that if I think people are hurting me, I need to check myself in . Then, I hear her this way belittling me because, she said I am flirting with people who raped me. That is only this way though. In any way I can understand, on the phone or, normal ways, she never knows anything! "That's how you destroy someone's reality!" It doesn't matter now. People hate me and, without people around me to help me remember what it feels like to be a person or, have people care about you or, anything like that, I am at the mercy of people who need me to die.

The pain and, humiliation of all of this has made me realize that nothing will ever be good again. Nothing about life will ever be happy again. Nobody will ever try to understand what has been done and how bad the damage is. They will never understand how badly I needed people and, how much it hurt when instead of helping me, they chose to be nothing but a voice in the air and, they chose to walk away from me.

People chose not to believe me. They chose to stay away and, they chose to blame me. My kids have been hurt by these people but, that's because, I couldn't stop them. They blame me for the things they did to hurt my kids and, I am at the point where I feel so much guilt that for me, it is over for me. I don't even open my eyes before they start blaming me and, shaming me and, I know now that I will always be blamed for things I didn't do or, things I have no control over. 

I am tired of taking the blame. They admit things but, nobody seems to either believe them or, care. I can't keep living this way.

I am so stupid for trying to survive. All they do is tell me I am a white and, to get off drugs. After having little support and, none from my own family and, everyone hating me so much all I want is to die. I can't go numb enough and, nobody will ever understand.

All these things that they know I can't remember. They use all of that against me. I am sorry I can't remember. I truly am. I wish I could. For a while, I was told it is better if I don't, that it was vicious. I am sorry, I still wish I could remember. Maybe someone actually did care about me. Now, it seems the only person that wants to help me is someone who hurt me so badly. What's the point? So people can believe that I did whatever they say I did when I was supposedly in a relationship with him? So more people can hate me and, not believe anything I say 

They used to believe me and, I don't know what changed. I don't know what I did for people to begin to call me a liar and, treat me the way they do. I didn't change. I haven't said anything different. They all know I can't remember. I wish I had been someone else. Someone who wasn't me, who didn't look like me, who acted like they demanded. Maybe someone would have believed me or, wanted me around then. Someone who could fight the frequency offset better than I could. Someone who could handle the way the used my children without getting so hurt about it all. They know that's how they get to me. It is constant though. Never ending word vomiting out of someone's mouth. Usually I am not allowed to know who is talking. Sometimes though, they tell me that John or, someone whispered to me so it makes me seem like I know a lot more than I do. 

They have gone so far as to have someone whispering what people and, things look like. Then, they make fun of me. I don't know what I am doing that is so different than anyone else. What I have done that was so bad people wanted to torture me. So bad that I am never going to be able to survive. I have no past that is my own, no chance at a future. No way to ever trust anyone again. Not that I can let anyone close enough to me to try to trust again. I know the second I start to believe that someone cares they will leave me. 

I live in fear now. They have done almost everything to me at least twice and, now that I am homeless and, hated so much, it is only a matter of time before someone either hurts me or, finally kills me. That is all they wanted in the first place.

They make all these demands that I can't agree with. "You were never raped and, that is non negotiable!" I can't agree to that. Even though I don't remember and, I have forgiven the best I can at the moment, I can't say that didn't happen. It is more than I am able to deal with now. People that I learned to care about and, trust despite what they have done, are gone now. They were the only people in my life besides the few people I thought were my friends, who are also gone, and, my family doesn't want me. I feel like there isn't a reason for me to be alive anymore 

The only thing I can count on is people will continue to tell me how much they hate me. How disgusting and, unwanted I am and, I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to be hurt anymore. Shamed because, I don't have a way to connect with some people. For them to use my children the way they have and, treat me like this, some things I haven't been able to forgive. 

I tried to stay in love with John. I tried to like his mother who has hurt me so badly and, both of them have lied to me so much I am afraid to believe anything now. 

I know anything that hurts me is probably true and, anything nice or, good is probably a lie. I am afraid that it will be that way forever. I can't take care of myself financially and, I will never again raise my own children. I had our future in my sight and, I wasn't allowed to look like I had my shit together. I had to look like I did when I was married to Anthony. They did this to me then too. Fir a while they said they were only doing it to him but, they eventually admitted they did it to me! I am sorry people hated me so much. I really was a good person.

The way they set me up have made it so I can't work at most places anyways, so I guess showing everything they can find throughout my entire life wasn't necessary. That didn't stop them though, they still did and, there will never be a way to get over how violated this has made me feel. 

There is no reason for people to tell me they molester my daughter or, that she has AIDS. They expect me to try to be friends with someone who said they injected my daughter with AIDS. Someone who hurt me to the point my brain doesn't function the same and, said she would kill me when she found out. Someone who "got John to see things her way!" Someone who told him what to do. Someone who made me fight for a man I was already married to. Someone who covers up his cheating and, has made me realize how worthless I am. Someone who my parents say they didn't blame for hurting my son . She will kill me.

John isn't any better. You want me to trust someone who when I asked him if it was true that my daughter had AIDS yelled at me and, told me how sick I was to think something like that up! He makes fun of me for hearing voices that are only in my head! The thing is, for a while there was someone who terrified me and, they threatened someones children. Whenever I heard that person though, nobody else ever did and John was never around. It wasn't long after that he started telling me I was schizophrenic again and, how I was hearing voices nobody else heard. I am tired of people demanding I take him back. I hate him.

People don't believe the foul ass things that he did to me. They believe him though. He was someone I loved and, trusted and, I defended him. Even when my son told me that John was doing this to him, I defended him and, I was punished for it.  Now, I am told, each time I tell the truth about John, that my son hates me. No shit, everyone hates me. They tell me that all the fucking time. I already know everyone hates me. Why would that still bother me?

I have to give up. My life is nothing but, a game that people are tired of playing. They want me to die and, I wasn't supposed to survive anyways. It is horrible to hear things like that every day and, know that other people hear them and, don't care. Why didn't I matter? Why didn't anyone want me to live? 

My children are used to hurt me and, the thought of them hurts. They tell me what a bad mom I was and, how they know I molester my children. Every fucking terrible God damn thing they can think of they say about me and, my children. Then, they act like they don't understand why it hurts so God damn much. Every horrible, nightmare you can imagine I have been told. Every terrifying thing thrown at me.

Everything they tell me, every horrific word, they make sure I have nobody near me to help me through any of it. Just voices that they have changed and, words they have changed. I can't count on what I hear most of the time. I feel me to kill myself. The only thing I can figure is not only did the boys in his family rape me, they say one of them molested my daughter and, another girl in their family. Since I never know what is real, I don't know if that is true or, not. I know when the molestation came out, John did what he could to distract from that by bitching at me about things I can't remember and, then saying "See, I told you that she could remember!" I told him, several times I couldn't remember chunks of time" he would only get mad at me and tell me he wasn't my therapist. What a loving husband, gag! 

My children, the easiest way to kill me. People hate me because, they believe I don't love my children. They believe I hurt them. They want to hurt me because of it and, I didn't do anything. 

Every lesson they demanded I learn has cost me a piece of my soul. Every lesson cost me someone I cared about and, trusted. None of those lessons were relevant to my life. They were things that Angela T. said or, did and, I took the blame. I have taken the blame for too many things. They will never stop. Now that I am alone and, outside it is clear that my death is the only thing they truly want. They talk about it enough. 

They still change people's voices. Even right at this moment there are two or, three people trying to frighten me because, I am alone and, now homeless. Do what you are going to do. I don't give a fuck about myself or, my life. It's some kind of thing they think they will be famous for. A group of domestic terrorists killed me. The same group that did this to the diplomats. How in the fuck is that going to make them famous? That is what they believe though. They have told me that! They have already picked out who will play them in a movie about all of this. 

My uncles have told me several times and, probably other people have chined in, I shouldn't trust myself. Look at the man I married as an example of why I shouldn't trust my own instincts. I can't trust anyone else either. People I truly cared about, they are now terrorizing me telling me how someone else, someone they say hurt me and, my daughter, is someone they have a grudge against. The thing is, if he is the one that hurt my child the , why when they forced me to dream about being paralyzed and, thrown into a hot tub or, pool didn't they say his name? They have fucked my head up so bad. When I talked about that the other day though, the person that threw me into the water, I saw myself from his eyes, blamed the person they are waiting fir as the person that injected me with whatever it was. 

While I can clearly hear branches breaking around me and, people laughing at me, my dog hasn't reacted at all. So either there isn't anyone out there and, this is just another way to fuck with my head or, she knows these people or, they fucked with her hearing the way they have fucked with mine and, when my brother would come and stay at the apartment, they fucked with his too. I used to wonder why he would get so irritated when my other brother would slurp his food, until they admitted they turned the slurping up. 

My uncle told me and , he has admitted it, that nobody will ever live me as much as this person does. That fucked my life up. I loved someone else, I kept those words into my head only to be told horrific things this person had done to me. They say I was in a relationship with him and, I hear people saying things like he is the only person that could make me orgasm. As if I give a shit. Just like earlier when someone said I was the only woman some dude has ever had sex with. If that is true, please stay away from me. Far, far away. That is something Angela T. would be impressed by, not me. She is convinced that life before your current relationship simply doesn't exist. I have been told that it is unheard of for me to have things my ex's have given me. To sleep with a blanket my ex husband gave me was a cardinal sin!

John swore that Angela T. would never do this to me. He said she dated someone for 14 years and, when that person marrie gld someone else, she was thrilled for them. I have heard that they didn't date for 14 minutes but, who knows. He used to tell me how cool he thought it was that she lived in the same town he grew up in, in California. Except she never lived there, only Pocatello, Idaho and, Carson City, NV. So either she lied to him or, he lied to me. Since I already know she was doing this and she "went rogue" I am lost for what to do! 

Life isn't worth this. They planned on raping me. They planned to make me homeless and, I am done living 

I am tired of hearing how humiliating it is to be seen with me. 

To be told these pieces if fucking shit just peed on me and, people I thought I could trust are cunts laughing while I am being hurt like this is disgusting. What's the point of life when you can't trust anybody. When you are punished for being happy. .  

I have no reason to believe anything will get better. In fact, I believe to the very core that it will only get worse. Homeless while people urinate on me! What's the point? There isn't one. Now, they tell me they are going to light where I am at in fire. Go for it. Not one part of me wants to be alive. Nothing will ever repair the damage this has done. It's funny to them though. I wish my mom or, anybody had been able to believe me. It's too late now. I have nothing left and, I only want to die. I don't care if things can get better. They never will for me. Light it in fire you worthless assholes. Why would untucking give a shit! Life is pointless. I have lost everyone u cared about it,v trusted. My family will never be my family again and, the only thing left is death KILL ME ALREADY YOU STUPID PUSSYS. ITS TOO MUCH FIR YOU TO DO? YOU CAN ONLY TERRORIZE PEOPLE FROM A DISTANCE? KILL ME ALREADY. APPARENTLY, THIS IS WHAT I GET FIR BLAMING CODY! 

I hate being alive. I hate everything about being alive. Although, at least now I now who went after John, at least this last time. Otherwise, he might have been here to help me. It's too late now. Dumb ass cunts. Fuck being alive. Why would I want to keep living? I DON'T