Disgusted

 After people spending three years convincing me that I was raped. They are now spending time trying to convince me it never happened.

These people confessed. They made sure I knew and, understood what they did to me and, apparently my daughter. 

It wasn't just rape. Things they say they did to me are horrific and, my own family was part of all of this! 

TERRORIZED. KIDNAPPED. RAPED. BEATEN. 

Those are not the only things they did to me. They have destroyed my life. My children's lives. 

Apparently, the only way for me to be able to survive was to pick one of these men to be in a relationship with. That, of course, comes after them beating me down about wanting to be in a relationship at all. I was only allowed to think about my children, mostly they said my daughter or, I was punished.

I have been so hurt that I am uncertain if I can be in any kind of relationship. Even friendship is proving to be difficult.

I GET TOLD ALL THE TIME THAT I RAPED MYSELF. 

I get told I was the one that raped these people!

I get reminded almost every day that people in my family raped me. 

Reminded how I must not be worth anything since nobody cared that they hurt me. People can do whatever they want to me, it makes no difference, they won't ever be in trouble for it. 

"If you didn't rape yourself then,..."

I have no reason to remain alive. I am sick of being told how I hate my children. Sick of hearing how I tortured them. Sick of watching or, hearing people who tried to help me at least feel like a person, people who helped me survive, be hurt themselves. 

I hate myself. Everyday my hatred of the thing that I am and, the fact that humans point out every fucking worthless, terrible thing about me, point out every single reason I should never EVER care about myself again. Every single day I am beaten down and, then told it's my fault for listening to this. The abuse was my fucking fault. I am stupid for being this hurt.

MY DEATH IS MY FAULT. IF I HAD JUST DONE WHAT THEY COMMANDED THEY WOULDN'T HAVE BEATEN ME TO DEATH!

None of this is real after all so, why am I so fucking hurt?!

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