Depressed

 I am not ever going to be the person I was. I am sorry that it is so easy to blame me and, for so many people to overlook so many things except, for my drug addiction. That it how it sounds and, often times feels.

It hurts to know some of the things that have happened. Hurts badly. To know that they have done this to me many times without me being able to hear them and, that they did this, with me being able to hear them for two and, a half years before they say I was raped, how can I be able to trust or, depend on my family, who knew this was happening? How can I believe that they not only knew this was happening, they knew the plan and, what was going to happen next. They not only accepted and, approved, they also participated! 

They are telling me that Tracy, who has admitted this was her plan, after me being drugged, raped and, attacked in many other ways, knowingly left my daughter with people, myself included, who then hurt her. This makes no sense whatsoever. The guardiaship paperwor, my mother had said from the beginning, prohibit my daughter from being left with anyone unless she or, Tracy are there. She isn't supposed to be left with anyone else. 

I know Tracy has left her with people, so has my mother. As far as I know and, can tell, my mother has left her with people who are loving, kind, responsibile people. Tracy left her with someone they have said, hurt her and, threw her down the stairs and, she has done so multiple times. She has left her with people who raped me and, who have helped to torture me. I am not sure how she can be surprised that if I were to regain custody, I would not want to send her to visit without some kind of supervision. It doesn't seem safe to me. Especially, after all of the things I have heard and, that she has admitted.

Her response to this is to try to ensure I never regain custody. To me, my thoughts on this entire situation seem normal. I guess to everyone else, not so much. It is strange to be hurt like this and, be told it's "tough love!" No, there is nothing living about any of this.

To be blamed for the things they have done to me and, the issues they have created, it's sick. Yet, it continues. There are a lot of people involved, not just Tracy or, my family, a lot of others. I am never allowed to see anything they show to pretty much everyone who they can get to see. I know they say they put me on the radio, tv, the internet. I also know, they can force people to watch.

They showed something not too long ago and, when I walked by people who were outside, same as I was and, had been outside, they commented. This is my family, my in laws and, people I either knew years ago or, heard of as well as, strangers. Why wouldn't they show me anything they force others to see? I have asked and, they don't know what I am talking about. I hear people trying to tell me where I can see some of this, they talk over them or, turn it down or, change the words I guess since I have looked the places I have been told and, can never find it.

I have been told they blocked it on the providers side from me. That could explain why a search in my phone and, the same search in my mom's phone brought up very different results despite having the same cell provider. I don't know why it should be hidden from me, it's my life. Of course, since there is no permission, they want me to be paranoid, they are torturing me and, the end goal is for me to kill myself, I shouldn't really expect them to show me. 

They can say whatever they want. They can do whatever they want. They will call each other different names, use different voices, lie about anything and, everything and, there is nothing I can do. Nobody I can ask. I know people do try to help but, it comes at a high price and, I am not worth the price they end up paying. They continue to demand I learn how to do this, on one hand, it would make some things, like being able to know who is saying what and, what they are showing and, things like that easier, it will also make it easier to say I have done this for a very long time. Since they have used my name and, voice to torture and, kill people, if I learn this, it's just another way to kill me.

They already have set me up in so many ways it is terrifying. They sabotage me and, threaten me every day and, night without ant end in sight. I am losing my mind and, losing the battle to survive.

Every day is worse than the day before. Now that I am homeless, I am that much easier to fuck with, way easier to hurt me. To hear someone tell me to "go home" knowing that I have done nothing but, try to survive and, keep surviving, sucks. These people have demolished my life. Yes, I am a drug addict. I wish I had a support system and, love from the people I love. Wishes don't come true though. I have little support and, the stress, fear, anxiety, depression it's all taking a huge toll. My life is being used to ensure others get away with everything they have done and, continue to do.

For a while I believed that there were people fighting to make this stop. That, even though I am taking a lot of damage, I wasn't alone. I believed there was a bigger picture and, now I know there is not. I know that, if there are more than just a few people on my side, it would be a miracle. I know that this will be the reason I die. There is no doubt in my mind, one way or, another, being "gaslit" by these people is what killed me.

The pain they inflict on so many, it isn't something you can just get over. Not something that you can continue to take day after day, year after year and, turn around and, have a normal, healthy life. They have and, still do anything they can think of to discredit me, hurt me, get me arrested or, get me to kill myself. 

The things they say, clearly designed to make it look/sound like I am the or, one of the people doing this to so many others. Even John was saying and, doing things to make me seem guilty and, he was doing them in person! The cycle of kicking him out and, letting him come back has finally ended, with him going to jail again and, the things they keep saying and, threatening me with to try to get me to take him back have become so disgusting and, hurtful, I want to give up. I have come close and, tonight I think mat have finally done the job 

There is no longer any joy in life. The constant and, unending stream of words that are so rarely kind or, supportive has taken a toll. The blame that is always places in me. The knowledge that as soon as they get me into a position where they can price I have no access to any kind of technology, they will stop doing this or, at least a large portion of them will stop. Making it even easier to blame me! It's not like they haven't told me and, made it fairly obvious I am going to take the fall for something I have never done and, do not know how to do. 

I am so beaten down, I don't really fight back anymore. I get angry and, it only makes things worse. It is so sick the things they do and, deny, almost as suck as the things they admit and, get away with. I am at my wits end and, so hurt at this point that, I don't see the point in trying to fight anymore. I won't win. I don't understand anything. I have tried to stop using and, without being able to heal, have any type of peace or, silence, any type of happiness that isn't used to cause me pain, it isn't easy. Their demand for me to go to rehab, putting me in a position where I feel trapped and, surrounded by strangers only makes me nervous and, the ever present threat of being blamed for all of this makes it worse. 

I can't get anyone, it seems, to understand, if they don't stop and, I can't heal from the damage they have caused, nothing is going to change. It doesn't matter though. They just continue to do and, say whatever they want to me and, about me while telling me my words have no consequences! No, that would be their words, they just say that as another way to make me seem guilty. I can think of at least 75-100 different things they say that make me seem guilty. Along with the fact that I have no clue what other people are hearing most of the time and, the fact so many people hate me, what's the point anymore?

I am sick of hearing how I am such a terrible mom. How I don't put my daughter first. How she isn't my main priority. How I need to see this from her point of view. How I hurt her so badly. Each time I say how badly hurt I am. How this is causing me too much pain and, how there isn't a way for me to be able to recover, that's what I am told. It is obvious and, I have been told, so it's very clear, I do not matter. My feelings are not valid. I am not a person. I will never be a person again.

They keep saying that I am a child molester or, child abuser. So many people can hear these things and, I am tired if trying to defend myself and, others. These things they say and, I deny, only to hear "how do you know? You don't/can't remember!" While they call me a liar and, tell me it's convenient that I don't remember. Even though, most of the things they say about what happened to my daughter don't add up, time lines, places, ect., It is clear something happened.

It kills me to know I couldn't protect her or, my son.

I know on the first Thanksgiving John was back from prison. When they picked me up after John told me to walk home, I heard someone talking I think to Tracy. They asked her if they could tell me the truth about what was going on and, she said no. Whatever the truth is and, whatever they are hiding, I will never know. Why so many people hate me like this and, why they ganged up on me like this, it's too much.

I am sick of hearingchow nobody wants to sleep with me. Which at first was funny because, wtf who gives a shit about that? How is that relevant to anything? Now, it's to the point, I can't imagine letting someone close enough to touch me. They have taken my self esteem and, then bragged how I will never have any self esteem again. Like that is something to be proud of. 

When I so much as think about stopping drugs, I hear how I'll be big as a house. I try to act like I don't care but, I do. I already am aware how far and, ugly and, unwanted I am. I am disgusting, even to myself. I am so humiliated, I don't know what to do.

I am so sick of being asked where my fucking kids are. Everything that has happened and, the way that I am treated, it's too much for me. I am one person. I am sick of feeling like this and, when I say that I get told to stop using. So I can be terrorized to death sober. Makes sense. It is always something I have to do and, I am done dealing with all of this. 

I feel like a failure. I can't do anything the right way. I am so beaten down I can't take anymore. They just keep taking everything out on me and, I can't figure out what will make them stop. My death is the only thing I know for sure. 

"Do you love your daughter?!" "Then quit using drugs immediately!" Oh, ok. That will fix everything. Suddenly, all the trauma will go away. All of the depression, the years they tortured me, the things that happened that I can't remember, the faith and, trust I lost in pretty much everyone, it will all magically get better. It's all just drugs! How fortunate the answer is so easy! 

I am told things like how sad it is to watch me be so desperate to fit in because I was helping Mike and, Candy with dishes. I am not desperate to fit in. I am just so hurt and, everything that isn't who I am, is how I am treated. I am a loser who can't handle the stress if life anymore. To them, the world is whatever they want it to be. To me, my life is worthless, I am here to hurt and, nothing I say makes any difference. It's like a game to see how badly they can hurt me. They say they have a pool and, picked dates so someone will win when I kill myself. That's how little I matter.