What Is Important To You?

I am not sure how anyone can do something that not only causes others so much damage but, that causes themselves so much damage. They justify everything they do and, I mean EVERYTHING by simply blaming it on me. It's my fault they had to do this in the first place. The resulting deaths in the last five plus years are my fault, if I had killed myself sooner, they wouldn't have had to hurt and, kill anyone else. The deaths before they did this to me THIS TIME, previously I didn't hear them and, wouldn't have known they did this if, they hadn't told me. Several people have told me that. Those deaths are my fault because, they had to do this to my family to break me down and, to know how serious this all is and, they had to practice to make sure they got it right this time. The fact that I was able to recover from the four previous times wasn't something they were proud of. They are extremely proud of themselves now though! 

They believe they are just. They are doing righteous work, fixing not only the justice systems mistakes but, God's as well. They have no remorse for doing what has to be done. To have been told things like, this group was put together to kill me and, eventually finding out who some of these people are and, the things they have done has been overwhelming. To be murdered by people who at some point in life were people I had either heard of it, had somehow known was bad enough but, to know that mine and, my children's and, so many other lives were so badly damaged that the way we view the world and, our place in it is no longer anything like it was, while they laugh at the things they have done and, the resulting issues, it's all too much. 

Emotionally, there isn't really anything left for them to take. To listen to them tell me how they needed to pull John away from his mistake, which is what they called me long before I figured out that he was the biggest mistake I could have made, that pain compared to how I feel now seems like one of the best days in my life! 

I get now that I was stupid to have believed in myself at all. Any doubt I had about being a person or, just that thing they are tired of playing with was erased by the way my own mother feels about me. They were right to tell me I was Johns mistake, my life from start to finish seems to have been a mistake. 

How was this thing they did to me, a joke? They tell me that all the time, I just can't take a joke. It was a joke to poison me, to demolish any self esteem I had and, any that I might ever get back, to try to kill me, to do what they have done to my children, to take me, humiliate me, remove all privacy I had, to us my THOUGHTS to punish me. It was just a little joke. No worries, it'll buff out. It won't though, ever. They murdered people I loved and, they blame me for that. If I hadn't been born, they wouldn't have had to do this. If there has been no Jennifer, John wouldn't have gone to prison! Hearing those things that was bad enough. To hear all of the other things that are my fault, what's the point?

My kids and, my family (who now hate me) that is why I was put here. That is what was the most important part of my life. When I understood that they can take those people and, there was nothing I could do, they made sure I knew that too, it is when I should have given up. They took my son before and, I had only just gotten him back, I had finally gotten life together and, finally gotten him back and, they did it again. After finding out just how much damage they did before, I realized that if my ex husband and, I had made the decision to fight a police report that was so full of inaccurate information maybe that would have made them decide to not do it this time. At the time, I just wanted to move past all of the drama and, towards a better place in life. I felt like if we fought, we would be stuck dwelling in a very difficult time in life and, I just wanted to try to fix the damage and, live. 

To be able to live, freely, make my own choices, be around the people who made life worth living, to believe they lived me as much as I loved them, it's all gone now. I know nothing I will change. I know every choice I make is going to cause stress and, fear. Is it my choice or, theirs? Did I hear or, see what I thought I did or, am I really just crazy. Even if they are stopped, that won't change. I think about the past and, how every memory has been claimed as something a stranger had control of. There is nothing that I did myself. Good or, bad. Left up to them to decide what they want people to believe, every bad choices was mine and, mine alone. They only brought the best to my life and, without them, I would be nothing. According to some people in this group, my life was perfect and, I never had any issues because, they helped me too much. They helped me so much that others received no help at all! Which is why nobody was supposed to help me this time. Something as simple and, kind as a man I was dating putting a peephole in my front door to keep me and, my children slightly safer was used as a reason I didn't deserve any more help! Each kind thing people have done for me has been used the same way. Each compliment was used that way too. They hurt me using kind things so often that I no longer believe the words. To them and, they tried to make sure I understood that their way is the only way, things like compliments are only given so that they receive one back. There is no other reason. To say thank you and, not return a compliment is a huge offense. To me, that simply made both compliments worthless so, why bother?

Pretty much every good thing in life is bad. If something good happens, it is an insult to the people it didn't happen to. If someone cares about you, they have to care about someone else more. I have no value, there are too many things that are wrong with me therefore, nobody could ever care about me. If they do, it is only because someone whispered to them and, I have heard "Oh, thank God because, I would never like someone like that on my own!" So many times that, I just can't care anymore. I barely believe anything nice or, that people can care about something that isn't a person. To care about someone who isn't physically perfect, that is an impossibility that must be corrected. Even while writing that I hear someone making comments about being tiny and, how nobody cares about me. Then, thank you Jennifer, like I have done something unacceptable.

Trying to tell people what they have been doing, that was unacceptable too. I was supposed to be murdered and, keep my mouth shut and, be happy about it. Told to be like John and, take the abuse like a man! Disgusting. There are so many times I think about where I had to apologize to John for whatever issue I created, even when I knew I didn't create what happened. To find out he knew and, heard all of this from the beginning and, acted like he didn't, acted like every fight, every issue was my fault and, if I just tried harder our marriage would work out, I hate myself for believing him. When I look at myself, I see the things they have pointed out long before I see anything else and, since they force so many people to hear them and, even John and, others have pointed out that when they look at me, they see the same things, I gave up on myself. I'm not a person. I am a disgusting mistake and, there will never be a reason that they will see me in any other way. Seeing myself any other way is forbidden. I used to try to compliment myself, I wanted to see the world in a positive way and, that starts with how I see myself. I have been made fun of so much for complimenting myself that, I only feel shame for thinking anything good about me. There is nothing good and, not only do I need to be "exterminated" they believe that every part of me that would remain here should also be exterminated. "Don't torture her grandma, it's her mother that brought her into the world, just torture her!" Yet, when I tried to tell my mom these things, she just told me I was stupid! I watched her eyes jog side to side rapidly while she was sitting in my home one day. Watched what I had felt my own eyes do and, what I had read about when I "found the diplomats" how could she tell me I was stupid? Didn't she feel her own eyes do that? My eyes have gone in and, out of focus and, not because I was doing anything other than painting something for my family. Not focusing or moving around, it was something done to me. My ears often ring, although in my case, not both at the same time. My right ear rings at least four times as much as my left. One group has control of the right, the other uses the left. They figured that out long before I knew what the hell was happening to me. Turn my head one way, I hear different people louder than the other way. The waawaa like the pressure sound when the back windows of a vehicle are down was used a lot. Once, when John was in jail in Carson City, it was done for so long and, if they told the truth it was done to the jail too, I thought my ears were bleeding. This was around the same time that the song about how Johns mom would die while he was in jail and, he would hate me forever was a big hit. Something that hurts so badly is, I said that once and, I heard his mom say how that was a bad time and, even she thought she might have died! That didn't stop her from doing this to me though, didn't even slow her down. Same as losing part of her foot! I think she got bitten by a spider, "what's the frequency of spiders?" was a popular question right around then. She went to the ER, the same hospital I took my daughter to and, the same one where they said they played subliminal messages so doctors wouldn't see us at all, Johns family and, mine, they told her it looked fine. It was purple, swollen, oozing and, she could barely walk! She went to a different hospital, was admitted then, kicked out. She had part of a cigarette in the bathroom and, when she came out, the security was already standing there ready for her. Quick response! Ultimately, the infection went into her bone and, she had to have surgery to remove her toe. It was odd to hear someone say the exact thing John was saying, "it's only her pinky toe, it isn't a big deal!" There goes the little piggy who went wee wee wee all the way home. It seemed like a big deal. Any part of your body being removed seems like a big deal. The pain and, trauma that she went through seems like a big deal but, I am just a stupid white so what do I know? I understand it took more people than just the one for that to have happened, my thought was who the fuck asks what the frequency of spiders is? They had to have known about the spiders anyways. When I was a teenager, we lived in a house that had cupboards under the work bench. If you opened those cupboards, it was walk to walk black windows, hundreds of them in one small space. The house we lived in when John moved in, I saw maybe three spiders that first summer. The next summer, John had been there almost a full year, there was 10x as many. Even out in the sunlight, they weren't hiding or, anything and, Johns fear of spiders which, was already normal, now seemed logical. The house we lived in when I was married to my son's dad, we had cat faced spiders slightly to the left of the front door. The way the garage and, door were positioned the porch light shined directly in them, they were amazing to see and, I like spiders so we would watch them but, leave them alone. Since I had neither heard of that kind of spider and, never seen one, clearly I am not the only one who likes spiders. We live in northern Nevada, high desert, to have a brown recluse in the bathroom and, actually there were two, make and, female, spiders and, their frequency and, habits are not a mystery to someone. If I am the one that is hated, why did they do that to his mom?

They think I forget things like that. My memory is normal, there are things I forget, their punishment "to always remember the truth about everything and, never be able to stop HER" was sick and, for whatever reason, they chose to make it inaccurate. I bring this up because, for a long time, that was important to them. I heard someone explain that in order for the punishment to work, I had to know the truth. At the time, I thought they were nuts, one minute everything was real, the next it was all fake. I got punished if I believed and, punished if I didn't. My question is, why do I have holes in my memory now? I know they test my memory a lot and, I also know that any results are tainted by people I don't hear. They can obviously make it so I don't hear anyone, in any way. Otherwise I would have known about the things they did to me. 

They tell me I fought for the wrong people. I fought for my family and, for all of us to have the ability to make our own choices. I fought for our inner voices to be ours and, not someone else's. I fought for my family and, they made a decision to fight me. They did terrible things to me, my own family included and, to cover it all up, to sweep it under the rug, I have to die. In order for so many people to help kill me and, get away with it, they all have to be on the same page. They all have to have a reason to hate me so much and, the last five plus years of my life, probably a lot longer, they have done everything they can to make sure people see me as someone who deserves to be hated. I am one person and, with people attacking me in any way they can, I have lost hope.