This Is Sick
Every reason I lived life has been used to hurt me. Badly hurt me.
Everything and, everyone I loved and, thought cared about me is gone. I am too hurt to keep trying.
The things these people have done and, the way they continue despite the fact that I have done nothing to any of them, something is terribly wrong.
Who cares though? I have lost the strength I had. I do not believe in myself at all. I loved John and, he has proven without a doubt that I mean nothing to him. I am not sure I mean anything to anyone.
They keep using my kids voices and, I have no clue anymore what to believe about anyone and, anything.
Their demands I trust my husband while I watch him lie to me is so painful that I can't handle it.
It's constant pain. All day, all night with little to no relief. "If you had just done what John told you!" Oh, ya, what's that? He still denies hearing any of this! He tells me these are voices in my head that nobody else can hear!
Every time he makes a promise it, tells me something nice, it ends up being a fucking lie. My head is so fucked up from all their lies and, bullshit that I can't process it anymore. Their torture worked perfectly.
They do things like use my/John's nephew's voice to say things like he hates our daughter and, how he did what "Uncle Johnny told him to!" Then, I get punished for telling people what I heard. Somehow, like everything else, it's my fucking fault.
Too much pain. Too many lies. I know now when someone tells me they live me, like John, it really means they hate me! Yesterday he "loved me so much!" Today when I tell him I love him, he ignores me! He sure knows how to show his love! Since I found videos of him fucking other women in his phone u shouldn't be telling him I live him. Even though I suspected, seeing him actually having sex with two other women, it hurt a lot. It's my fault though because, nothing is ever Johns fault. He is perfect in every way and, never makes a single mistake. Well, except for me. I am the one mistake in his life. No matter what I do it's wrong and, it always will be. I will never love him enough, treat him good enough, do enough for him. I am the flaw in his world.
I am never going to feel comfortable having even just a conversation with another person. I might say something that will offend John or, these cunts that won't stop torturing me. I try to ask John if I have done or, said something wrong but, then I sound paranoid and, insecure and, it won't matter anyways. Even if he tells me I didn't do anything wrong or, tells me it is ok to do something, they will still punish me.
There is no longer a way to believe in myself or, anyone else. I can't trust what I hear and, I don't think anyone wants me to live. I don't want to live anymore. Life is nothing but misery and, lies. What's the point?