They Killed Me

 I am not going to survive. I am not going to try to survive. It is clear that my death, even from my own family, was the goal and, they won't stop until I am dead.

John has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that he never loved me and, that my family does hate me. 

I have never been more hurt and, humiliated.

I thought I married the man of my dreams and, he only married me to set me up and, hurt me. 

They have successfully destroyed everything inside of me. They know this and, just said again how "they can't believe how easy this was!" They say things like that all the fucking time. How easy it was to destroy me, how they didn't think it would work so well! John, this man I was so proud to marry and, be with, helped kill me.

I should have left so many times. When I would compliment him and, then he would stop doing whatever it was that I complimented him on. When he stopped talking to me. When I realized how much he lied to me. I loved him. I wanted our marriage to work. He came back from prison saying how he wanted a faithful relationship, a clean slate, how he didn't blame me for the things that happened, how he would help make all of this stop and, help me get my kids back.

Things had, for the most part, died down until he came back. When he came back they got 1000 times worse and, for a long time I believed it was my fault. I didn't know anything about how badly they hurt me 

He wanted me to know. He wanted me to know that I am worthless and, he wanted me to know he helped people hurt me. He wanted me to know he never loved me. Now, I know. 

My family is gone. The man of my dreams made my life a nightmare. He killed me and, some of them are proud of this!

I did nothing to anyone and, their attack was so brutal, so vicious that they have also hurt my children. My own mother helped them kill me. Helped destroy my life. She knows what happened to me, just like everyone else and, she tells me that if I believe people are hurting me I should check myself in! Instead of being there for me, even emotionally, she gave her permission to kill me 

I feel so stupid and, worthless. So completely stupid. How could anyone do something so terrible? Something that not only killed someone but, completely destroyed any self worth they had. Completely destroyed any ability to move forward in life. I will never be able to trust, live or, even be around people ever fucking again. 

I am already facing never seeing my children again, never getting to live in the same home as them or, raise them and, being homeless, this was the final straw. 

I am sick of listening to people tell me how disrespectful I have been to my brother or, to John or, to anymore. I have been disrespectful by loving someone who didn't live me? Trusting someone who lied to me the entire time I have known him? Believing that I was worth being around, worth telling the truth to? I wasn't worth anything. No wonder they kept telling me I was too cocky and, that is why they did this.

I believed John loved me. The kind of love that is worth fighting for. The kind of love that means something. For a long time I believed everything he said and, I didn't believe the things these people were telling me.

John said that all he ever wanted in his life was someone who fought for him. Someone who loved him unconditionally. That is what I tried to give him and, he killed me for it. When I tried to leave him, they would torture me until I took him back. Tortured me to trust him. When I fell in love with someone else, they did what they could to make it end and, it happened twice! They refused to let me get away from John and, this is the only thing they have demanded that I haven't done. 

This is the only thing they truly wanted. They have told me to kill myself for five and a half years then, they get mad at me and, treat me like shit and, make fun of me when I want to die. John makes fun of me for everything and, I have learned that it makes no difference how much I loved him, my kids, myself, being alive was not what people wanted. I was some kind of toy and, they got tired of playing with me. 

How someone could look at me and, tell me they live me and, my kids, how the day we got married was the best day of their life and, how grateful they are that I opened up my home and, my family to them and, then prove that everything was a lie, it's horrifying. It's terrifying. Nothing about my life with John and, who knows how much of that has spilled over into other parts of life, it was all a lie. Everything I believed is gone. Everything I thought about myself is gone. I am afraid to believe that anyone cares too much, I am afraid to trust. I can't trust my own mother for fucks sake.

These people made a plan, for years have planned on killing me. Planned on destroying me. I had to die so "Angela could be happy!" She actually said she thinks John would find her sexy for everything she did to get him back. 

I loved John. I wanted my marriage to work. When I would ask John for help I would hear "John doesn't have to tell you the truth!" Then why the fuck was he married to me? In the end though, he didn't tell me the truth about anything and, apparently, you aren't allowed to leave him. 

They "saved their worst punishment for the one he married!" Twice I was told that and, he didn't want to marry me! Thousand of times I have been told I "tricked him into marrying me!" I guess by being myself and, living him I tricked him. That is how I "brain washed" my kids too! At least they tell me I brain washed them. Angela couldn't accept that he didn't live her, that was one of the biggest problems and, I believed he loved me. With all of my heart and, soul I believed John Butterfield loved me.

I am sorry that I don't want to live anymore. Sorry that I was stupid enough to have believed anyone could love "something like me!" My love "tortures people" and, "it isn't just my face that's the problem!" Over five and, a half years of being beaten down and, begging for help only to find out that John truly never gave a shit. Even though they told me that and, it seemed that way, deep inside I still had how that they might be wrong. Deep inside I still didn't believe he cheated on me two days after he loved in, told people that he was my kids babysitter and, not my husband, I knew he wasn't attracted to me but, I thought he was before. I thought our marriage was worth fighting for and, I thought John was worth fighting for. Even when I knew he didn't live me anymore, I still chose to fight for our freedom to choose who we wanted and, for his friendship. That is how stupid and, pathetic I am.

I am worthless. They openly admit they did this to kill me and, even my mom participated. A group of people wanted to kill me and, I married one of them. I loved and, cared about people who actively tortured me to death!

That is how stupid and, pathetic I am. A complete waste of a non human life. I was just a thing. My new name was supposed to be "It" and, I am done trying to believe that I am still a person.