There Is No Future

 They constantly prove I can't always tell who I am talking to, who I am hearing, what is being said, what people are hearing or, who people are hearing. They keep me in a state of nothingness. A place where nothing is real and, everything is real at the same time. There is only so much I am able to figure out and, only so much I can handle. I can tell why they blame everything on me and, it is starting to make sense to me to. I can understand how people would believe that I deserved all of this. I can understand how I am this thing people need to do something like this to. They needed to fix me. They needed to teach me and, I wasn't receptive to the things I needed to learn.

I am tired of so much noise. So much negativity. So many people tell me they heard my thoughts for a long time and, they know me so well. They talk for me and, who cares if that is what I would have said or, not. It is clear I don't actually need to be here anymore. They know who I am and, can be me at any moment. It is a strange feeling to now that I don't need to be alive for me to be part of a conversation. 

I can tell there is nothing good about me. I can see how and, why I am nothing more than garbage. I have no friends left and, that's my fault. I shouldn't have been friends with someone who "brainwashed" me. I shouldn't have been friends with someone who I couldn't talk to about any of this. I couldn't understand why people were telling my mom that the people who were there for me and, who tried to help me remember that I was a person and, I didn't deserve the things John did to me had brainwashed me. They were helping me remain alive. Helping me remember that this wasn't my fault. Now, they hate me too. Who cares though, I mean, as long as they get what they want.

I am the bad guy and, I have no way to believe that I am not the bad guy. They convinced me that they were right to do all of these things to me. They convinced me that I was wrong to have had the life I had. They convinced me that I don't deserve to be a person or, have people in my life. I am the problem. I do not deserve to be allowed the chance to be happy or, loved. I deserve to be forced to remain married to a man that absolutely hates me, who makes me realize how ugly and, disgusting I am and, how I should be grateful that he decided to spend any time with me when he could be with his girlfriends. "Stay with your husband, he is your only chance at survival!" For the rest of my pathetic life, I will be beaten down, shamed, belittled, made fun of, told I wasn't raped (these are the people that spent almost three years convincing me that these things I have no memory of actually happened and, now they tell me that they didn't happen) why tell me I was raped if I wasn't? Why say you aren't playing mind games when you obviously are?! Johns dad has admitted to assaulting me. I asked John point blank and, he lied to me, to survive I have to trust a man who married me and, didn't care that theis has happened. Every time I get away from him, this is what happens. Death or, John who will eventually kill me himself, my choice! I have tried and, it doesn't matter what I do, they refuse to admit it's their abuse that has caused so much damage. The abuse is what I deserve. It's how they keep me accountable. Maybe if I could have done everything their way, if I could have tried harder, did things perfectly, tried to meet their needs without them having to beat me down for not knowing how to please them. It's my fault that they had to hurt me. If I had been more open to their suggestions, they wouldn't have had to. John has explained why things are my fault. Right to my face, in person. I know if I had been better looking, thinner, gave him blow jobs or, sex when he demanded and, left him alone when he didn't, his mother wouldn't have had to torture me and, punish me. If I hadn't said no to him, they wouldn't have had to hurt me so badly that "the next time he asked, it would be rape!" 

If I hadn't stopped caring about myself and, tried harder to take care of myself they wouldn't have to point out how disgusting I am. If I didn't talk to other people, John wouldn't have had to give me an STD to keep other people away from me. It is my fault for no being a good enough wife. My fault he has to take precautions because, I cheated on him. Even though he forgave me, you can only trust someone so much. I am sorry that I have been such a problem. John and, everyone else has been patient and, they tried. If I hadn't been so fat, stupid, a drug addict or. All of the other things they have been trying to help me change, they wouldn't have had to do this. I am sorry I have caused so many problems. I should have just done everything I was told without questions or, forcing them to tell me again. If they didn't have to tell me so many times maybe they wouldn't be so angry at me. I shouldn't have complained about anything until I tried harder, until I did what I should have to make them happy. Maybe if they were happier and, I didn't cause so many people to become so frustrated, I would still have a family or, friends. If I didn't let myself go and, spent less time looking in the mirror and, more time doing things for others. Maybe someone would have been able to see I had value. It is my fault that people see me as worthless. It is my fault I keep "losing" people. If I had done more or, done things differently maybe I would have had a different outcome.

I didn't believe there was so much wrong with me and, that other should have control over meir, my children. Now I do. If I had complied, this would have been over already. 

I believed because, I heard people saying how they stopped watching because we got a long so we'll or, how we were the happiest couple anyone had ever seen that they were just jealous, abusive people. I didn't see the fault lay completely with me. I know now that they wouldn't have had to do this if I had been more mindful of how my happiness was hurting them. Maybe if I had, they would have let me keep anyone or, anything that reminded me of what life was like before this. I wasn't given rewards because, I didn't do anything the right way. I wasn't treated like a person because, I didn't act like a person. 

They were right, it wasn't what they were doing to me and, others that was the problem, it was how I reacted to it. How I reacted. This all could have been different if I had been different. If I had been someone else. If I didn't get my clothes from the thrift stores, if I didn't pick up things from outside, if I didn't do the things that used to make me happy, if I had just tried harder or, been stronger. I didn't understand what they meant when they said John is abusing me to help me. I was resistant to change. That is my fault. I loved the woman I was and, I loved working to make our future better, even if it was only small steps. I thought that learning to forgive myself for mistakes and, not beating myself down was the key to where I was in life. I didn't know I was too fat to have confidence and, that I should feel guilty and, never move past mistakes I have made. They should remind people of every flaw, real or, made up so that they remember why they hate me so much, just like they told me. 

I don't deserve to be happy or, have a family or, friends. They have proven that to me so many times and, I still felt entitled to those things. They were gifts that I didn't appreciate the right way so, they had to show me what life was like without what made me so happy. I wasn't grateful enough for the life I had. Like they just told me and, have told me thousands of times, I did this to myself. This is my fault. I would have had reality and, a life if I had trusted John and, not questioned things. If I had just been happy with the way things were they might have stopped. 

I don't know why Angela accused John of hurting my daughter or, why she said she had evidence. I was told someone was calling the police and, I should too. I called the police and, defended him but, he doesn't remember things that way. Maybe if I had trusted him more, he would have loved us. It's my fault my kids lost their mom. 

If I hadn't become a drug addict and, learned better ways to cope with people telling me to kill myself every single day, more people might have helped me. 

I should have been nicer to these people, it isn't their fault they don't want to be round me and, had to do things this way. I should have tried to be more understanding to the way they knew how to do things. They might have wanted to be in my life instead of doing his to control my life if I had been a better mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend. I have spent the last five and, a half years resisting their help and, believing this was abuse, TORTURE when all I had to do was what they asked and, life would have become better and., easier. It wasn't abuse to hurt me but, to make me a better person. Nothing more than simply that.

I don't think the right way, in the right order or, of the right things. I wouldn't have raised my children the right way and, they have already suffered because I am their mom. They deserve a better life than I could give them. 

I wish I could tell my mom I am sorry. Tell the people I love and, who hate me now that I get it and, I can do better. That I can be a person again but, I know it's too late. "Too little too late." It's me that people don't want to be around in person. Me that needed to change. Me that caused people to do something like this. They tell me every day and, nobody can make anything change until I do. 

I didn't mean to become a drug addict. I know that's why nobody can help me. It's the biggest complaint lately. I am nothing because I am a drug addict and, I don't think about my children enough. I should have understood immediately that I wasn't being punished for thinking the way I did, I was being taught a better way. Maybe if I hadn't been so stubborn I would be able to think a lot more than I do. Then, people wouldn't have to use my voice to cover up the silence. 

I am sorry.