My Life Is Hurting People

They have told me that for a long time. I seem to be the problem a lot. The abuse has gotten out of control. They have convinced themselves that they are not to blame for what has happened and, what has been happening. I did this all to myself.

They have beaten me down and, there is no way to get back up. The way they decided to help me get back up was, to beat be down even more. It's my words and, only my words that have consequences. They can say and, do whatever they want to me and, as long as I smile and, be happy about the abuse, everything will be ok. 

I am sorry so many people hate me. I get told I didn't do anything to make these people stop abusing me. It's not their fault for abusing me like this, it's mine for not stopping them. It's mine for not doing everything in my power to give them everything they demanded so they would stop. Only, there is nothing I can do. They have control and, even though I try, it's just not enough. I don't have the strength to keep fighting them. I don't have the mind set that I might have a shot at life getting better. 

That's my fault too. They believe everyone but, me. Even though they have admitted they know the truth and, that I am innocent, they still blame me for everything and, refuse to believe anything I say.

John must have been God himself or, some kind of cult leader because, if you question him, make him seem like he is human in any way, you are fucked. I loved him but, according to these people, I wasn't supposed to. I wasn't supposed to be myself around him. They say he volunteered to marry me and, that he knew what he was in store for but, nobody expected me to be a kind, loving person. They have said more than once that, I didn't do anything bad, I didn't do the things they wanted me to so, "they made me!" It doesn't matter though.

They say so many horrific things about me and, I no longer feel like a person. Because of the way this has all happened, I have little to no support and, their words have sank in. I guess that's my fault too. I am not sure why my mom had me and, I am not sure that she ever loved me. Everything I believed has been so torn apart that, I will never have any kind of relationship with a woman who I used to think was the best mom anyone could ever have. She was kind. Really, really kind. I always knew if I needed to know things could get better, I just had to talk to my mom. Now, she doesn't want me near my own children. She says all kinds of things that are so cruel and, damaging that I hate myself even more. Why did she believe their lies? Was it that easy to make her hate me and, blame me for everything too? Did I do something that made her want to hurt me more? They already hurt me so badly why would my mom do this too? Why would my mom help kill the woman I was? I have heard her tell me to kill myself too! 

It makes no difference. I have no way to know who is talking and, l can't ask her because, she lies to me. They want me to die because, they can blame everything in me and, walk away with their head held high. They used my name and, voice for so long that, if I learn how to do this, I am dead anyways. 

My life has no importance to people. That is why nobody wanted to talk to me about any of this. They make demands and, pretend to be everyone else and, keep me without any kind of solid ground. The only thing that they have left to be solid are the things they have done to me and, I don't even get to know if anything they say about my children is real! 

I was stupid to have cared about my life or, anyone else's. Anyone who gave a fuck about my life is long gone. They "moved on" usually after me telling them how much I care about them. That's how stupid I am. Even worse, I am told horrific things that they did to me and, my children. Things nobody will do anything but, talk about and, mock me for. Since I have no memory of any of this and, the only person who had, until recently ensuring that I fully realize I have nobody, was John. John who reenacted some of the things they did to me. John who would tell me how he wanted to do these things that they were telling me they had already done to me. 

I listen to people I truly loved with every part of me, tell me how they never gave a fuck about me, even though I was stupid enough to have believed they did. Stupid enough to have loved people when, I am not a person myself. Just a toy they are tired of playing with. The cat is done with the mouse and, the mouse has to die now. John is by far the worst person I have ever met. He has so many people believing him and, I can't understand why I kept believing others would stand up and, fight with me. I guess this is better. This way they can claim the were righteous and, punished something that the justice system skipped over. I am guessing anyone who cared about me, if it was real and, anyone that helped me or, stood up to them previously is floating around somewhere.

They tell me that I did this to myself and, that I need therapy. They are DOMESTIC terrorists who torture people to death, they are mentally sound I am sure! The sad part is, Angela did this to herself by watching John, who she hated anyways, be happier WITHOUT her in his life. That made her so angry she couldn't handle it. He married the next person he dated and, that offended her. Like it was timing and, not simple chemistry. He said she wasn't attractive enough, to him, for him to date. Therefore, I had to become the ugliest person in the universe. Anything that anyone said to her that she found offensive, it was my fault. They said these things either because of me or, to me. If I was never born, those things would never have been said! She actually told me that! 

There is something so sick and, so frightening about what has happened. The fact that these things were simply dismissed as me being paranoid is something that anyone with common sense is going to question for years and, years to come. The only reason that makes any sense is, they told the truth when they said this group of people came together and, made a choice to find someone to take the blame for their crimes and, set them up. It makes no difference if I die or, get kicked up, either way they have ignored red flags the size of Texas and, they have set me up in many ways. 

If John got arrested for the reason he said a little while ago then, it was his choice. They randomly get locked up to "prove" how they are not doing this. That all these other people are! They blame me all the time. Tell me how I am "gaslighting others" when, it is them. I already know, at some point there will be a small group of people sent to jail and, it will either be at the same time or, overlapping and, then they will stop. I guess that would "prove" it is the group in jail and, not them since, each time they are in jail, this continues. 

This would explain why people didn't believe or, care that the things Angela was doing were things that should have been stopped immediately. Taking a shower in our shower, after breaking into the house, so she could smell like me. Trying on our clothes and, buying the exact same clothes or, stealing John and, Sophia's and, mine. Tracing my outline to see if I gained weight. Introducing herself as me. Telling people I kidnapped her children and, how I stole her husband. She did everything she could to get in between John and, I and, I am sure that was part of the plan but, she really did say that when I died, John would be so depressed and, she would be there to "nurse him back to happiness and, he would fLl in love with her for it!" "John will think its so sexy, everything I did to get him back!" The first year to year and, a half, despite being told I hurt my daughter, it was all about Angela getting John back. My kids were a side note, she didn't give a shit about them one way or, the other. She didn't believe John loved them so, they did t matter. 

Just like when they admitted they were killing people and, they thought it was funny that people were so focused on everything that I was doing that they were getting away with it all. 

Everything they have been doing to get me to kill myself, those things have been overlooked, overlooked so much that, I am giving up. My life has been so completely demolished that I can't handle it anymore. I am sorry that saying that and, telling the fucking truth makes people hate me. I am clearly a problem and, preventing people from being happy in their lives. I wanted nothing more than people to find what makes them happy. I found happiness in cheering them on and, watching their joy. 

I have learned that people who care about me, they won't care for long. My life not only is hurting people, it is also being used to prevent people from stopping them. The love I had for myself and, life in general has been tortured out of me. Everything about me has become so offensive that I am nothing that people could care about. There is no reason to want to be around me. I have no family, no friends, I am sick because, I am supposed to either be a drug whore or, people are supposed to believe I am sleeping with someone I am not. I have only had sex with John M. Butterfield since 2022. NOT ONE OTHER PERSON DESPITE THE LUES THEY TELL ME. I am not a whore. I don't sleep around. I was tortured for saying no to John and, they would hurt my children as well. If it weren't for that, I wouldn't have had sex with him. He tortured me and, my children during sex. I had to do what I believed would allow me to live longer. It didn't occur to me that by living longer, people would only be hurt longer. People would only hate me more. People I loved so much, I could have never understood just how much pain my life is bringing to others. 

Nothing I do is going to repair the damage that hearing how hated I am for reasons that aren't how things are. I have had to listen to people I loved say vile,horrible things about em and, nothing will change that. I needed the people I believed lived me, people I thought believed me, people who still saw me as a person to be around me and, help me fight, instead, they tear me down too. When I got to a point lower that I thought I would be able to handle, people decided I needed to know that I didn't deserve to have anyone there for me. Nothing will ever change that. Nothing will erase the pain that they have caused. My feelings are not valid though, at least that is what they tell me. 

I don't want to care anymore. I don't want people to stand up and, fight with me. It was better this way. Better for me to be in this grey area where I never know what to believe and, people prove that they don't want anything to do with me. I am sorry it took so long for me to realize that this is what it is. Most people I hear blame me anyways and, I have lost all hope. Everything that has been done has made it impossible to get my children back in my life. The hurt of not being able to see or, talk to my son and, knowing my daughter was here and, my mother and, Tracy agreed that I had to act accordingly or, I wouldn't get to see her, which I didn't and, how I have to listen to Tracy say how John spends more time with her than I do. Of course he does, they don't want me at their house and, John will pick fights with me so he can go back to Dayton where she is. Too much pain 

This is the end for me and, I wish more than anyone can imagine that I hadn't lived this fucking long. I have grown to hate people. Hate their voices, their words, everything about people, it makes me sick now. At least if I had gone sooner I wouldn't know that there is nobody who is in my corner. Nobody believes me. Nobody gives a fuck. I asked for people just to talk to me out loud. Sit me down and, talk to me so I know that the things they tell me, so I know that someone out there didn't want me to have zero support, as always no compassion. Everything has to hurt as bad as possible. They have hurt me too much and, I don't want to be alive anymore. I don't want to be told how loved and, hated I am in the same breath. I don't even know why what I just heard hurt so much, it's not like anyone is nice anymore. That person has told me many times that nobody lived me. Just like so many others told me, I was hated from the beginning. Nobody has ever loved me, nobody will ever love me and, they make fun of me for it. They talk down to me and, act like they pity me for it. At some point they will start asking me who loves me. "Who loves you, Jennifer Butterfield?" Said with so much disgust I know that nobody could ever give a fuck about me. 

They tell me I am a liar. I hear people say that the things I have said were never said at all. I don't care if you, them or, anyone else doesn't believe me. It won't make a difference now. They proved nobody will tell me that truth in a way that is normal. They proved people would rather lie to me and, I am sorry that I have to give up. There won't be a way to get me to understand why someone who makes fun of me and, tells me how nobody loves me is now crying. How someone who John talked so much shit about, now believes that I am the problem. 

I am sorry. I can't take anymore. I don't know why people don't want me around, why they didn't talk to me. Why if I was loved, nobody wanted to be around me. Why people I trusted and, believed were helping me made things so painfully uncomfortable that I practically ran away from them and, why they wanted me to die too. 

Most of all I am sorry to my children. They almost only talk about my daughter so, it sounds like she is more important or more wanted or, whatever these sick fucks believe. They used to tell me I loved one more than the other. I love them both equally, my love for each of them is so completely part of me that, I don't know what life is without them. I told my uncle years ago, they were my world. When they took them away and, all of this shit going on, it's like they plucked me up and, dropped me into a world where I can't understand the language. The customs are all different and, I don't know what to do.

They have hurt me so badly, there is no way to recover. The lies about who people are have left me in a place where I feel like maybe everyone really did hate me and, that's why they never want me around. The manipulation of my life and, I believed for a long time these people were being manipulated too, now it is clear they don't care and, Tracy yelled goal this time! I feel so stupid and, worthless so, humiliated and, shamed. How can someone love me and, never want to be around me. Make fun of me and, say they are gay instead of admitting it's just me they don't like, then pretend that I did something to cause this? Fuck every single person on this planet, you didn't have to to kill me. You could have been there and, talked to me about all of this. I am done trying to believe, life hurts too much now.

It's the one thing I begged for, talk to me about this in person. Not do this to me in person and, prove how much you hate me. Not be like John and, make fun of me like I am not right fucking there and, then pretend you have no clue what is going on. I have been tortured to death while people stood there watching! Why I still believed that I could be a person again one day, what a dumb cunt. "Nobody wants that!" and, I will only be "that" for the rest of my life. I am sorry I just can't anymore. 

I know now people don't care.  That the way my life has been manipulated isn't something people believe. I don't believe the things they say anymore either. I used to believe the people who were trying to help me just heard different things that I did. Now, I think they are lying. They wanted me to die too so, they pretended to care, like John did, so that it would destroy me to know that "I lost everybody!" Only, how could I have had anybody? How can anyone watch or, since they tell me that everyone hurt me and, my children. I fell in love with people who I am told raped me, assaulted my children, tortured us and, I loved. I am the problem and, I will never be able to get over loving people who hate me this much. I am sorry, I can't handle more pain.