Nothing Is Ok
There was nothing about my life that my children didn't make happier. They were the reason I loved being alive.
The day I had my son, that's the day my life began. I was so scared and, I didn't have a clue what the future would be like now that I was a mom, something I never thought I would be. The only thing I knew was that nothing ever felt so perfect.
When I had my daughter, I thought life couldn't get better. I believed I had everything. There was nothing in the world that anyone could ever do to make life not worth living.
He was 6 pounds, 13 ounces and, she was 8 pounds even. I was lucky. They are both smart, funny, kind and, loving. They aren't afraid to speak up and, they were raised to be confident and, I am proud of them both.
I hope they know that they only brought happiness and, life was so much better when they were around me.
I am sorry I became a drug addict. It wasn't something that I thought would kill me. It wasn't how I wanted to live. I am sorry that people didn't care about my life. I am sorry that I stopped caring about my life.
I know people don't believe me but, I tried to be the best mom I could be. I wasn't abusive or, a child molester. This has taken away everything that I believed about others, everything I believed about myself.
I can't look at myself and, see anything good. They have abused me and, spent so much time explaining what a piece of shit I am and, how nothing I do is ever going to be good enough. I have actually been told that my best will never be good enough, that I am only worth living from a distance.
Without ever talking to me, people decided that I didn't deserve the life I had. I didn't deserve my children, husband, family, life. They decided I wasn't grateful, that I didn't have manners, that I wasn't able to make choices that benefitted anyone but, my family.
Even though they have admitted to doing all of these horrible things to me while I tried to survive the abuse, to them, they aren't abusive. To them, I am the problem and, if I die, they can find happiness in their lives again!
They have done horrible things to me and, there was nothing I could do to make them stop, get help or, find justice. I quit using, more than once, longer than their required amount of time and, that is when things got worse. I know now that even John terrorized me, physically hurt me and, tried to kill me during that time. They have made so many admissions that I doubt there is anyone that isn't aware of the things they have done.
I tried to be a person still. I wish I had been able to convince my own mother that I was a person. I don't believe my life mattered to my own parents. It is very clear that they never loved me and, I was nothing more than a burden and, an embarrassment. Nothing can change how much they hate me. Nothing will change the knowledge that my own mother wanted me to die.
No matter what I would have become, my own mother would rather kill me than show me love. She would rather make me feel like I am the worst thing in the world than admit that she has lied to me when I needed her more than I needed air to breathe. Instead of being there for me, she helped kill me. She lied to me, made fun of me, called me names and, made sure I knew how unwanted I have always been. I needed my mom. She says she gave me money so I guess that means she did what she could. She was never a very loving or, affection person but, I never knew that she hated me.
I thought people would help something that was innocent. That they wouldn't actually kill me. I was stupid. My life will never mean anything. I will never have a chance at anything worth living for. I hate being alive and, the woman that gave me life has proven she made a mistake. I couldn't even get her to admit she knew what these people have done to me. She never wanted children, she told me that herself. She only wanted grandchildren and, once she got custody of my daughter, I barely saw her again. She stopped calling me, stopped pretending that she wanted me around. John told me my family hated me but, I had no idea just how true that actually was. No wonder they kept telling me to trust him and, stay with him!
All of the things they have done to me and, now just like they said, I will be arrested for surviving the worse abuse I have ever heard of. My life doesn't mean anything to me. I am nothing but, a stupid, lazy, fat, ugly, hairy, worthless cunt and, that is all I will ever be. I have learned that nobody could ever want me around. Everyone hates me and, that is the simple truth. People knew what was being done to me. They say they put me in TV and, the internet. My mom lived me so much that when I asked her about it, she denied everything. She told me nobody could see me or, hear me. She would rather lie to me than help me.
They are making fun of me now, as I get ready to do what they have told me to for five and, a half years. Every fucking day they tell me to kill myself. That is the only thing they wanted. That is why they did this, they even said they can't be happy until I am dead. For something like me, there is no help, no justice. I am worthless and, that will never change. My own mother is a domestic terrorist and, there will never be anyone who can do anything but, proven to me that I was a mistake. From the day I was born to the day I die, a mistake. Something that deserves to be abused. Something that nobody could ever care about. What would stop them from abusing me again? Nothing. This isn't the first time they have done this to me, just the first time they have forced me to listen to the worst verbal and, mental abuse that anyone could ever hear. They even tell me "do you remember the happy, confident woman you were? You will never be her again!"
I begged my mom for help but, I am not worth helping. These people hurt me. Not the other way around. They took my every thought and, used them to make fun of me, used my kindness and, my live to hurt me so badly there will never be any reason for me to like myself. They tell me my name is "It" and, I am just "that."
My own mother knew what they were planning, she has admitted to giving her permission. She wanted me to die. Why else would she have lied to me? The last time I begged her for help, she hung up on me!
They knew that I have little memory of the rape, kidnapping and, the things they did to me. They made sure that I knew the details of what they did. They made sure I knew that people knew what they did and, that nobody gave a fuck. They made sure I knew every word of what they did to me was true. They made sure I knew they were telling me the truth about what they did to me and, my children. Then, they made sure I knew that I would never be able to get help. They made sure I knew that my own parents and, husband, in fact everyone in the area and, they say they broadcast this all to the world knew. My own mother, who tells me in normal ways that she doesn't know anything and, that I am stupid and, crazy, made sure I knew what these people did to me. She made sure to tell me how they raped me and, there will never be a way to get help. Now, they tell me over and, over that I wasn't raped! They now tell me every day, every single day that I wasn't raped. My own mother said I wanted it and, I deserved it and, if I ask her about any of this she just denies knowing anything. THEY ATTACKED ME. THEY BRUTALIZED AND, ABUSED ME. I am done trying to survive. My own mother would rather I die.
They tell me all the time to thank my husband! Thank a man that cheated on me, lied to me, destroyed my reality and, helped kill me. They tell me to pick him. Are they fucking serious? People tell me to pick a man that wants me to die! I literally have nobod\y I can turn to. Nobody I can ask for help. Nobody that wants me to live. I can't take anymore abuse. There is a reason I am on drugs and, a reason I killed myself. Why would anyone want to survive knowing that they do not matter to anyone. Knowing the thing9s these people say they did to me and, my own family didn't care. I am so stupid of me
I will never want to live again. I will never waste time believing in myself again. Not only did my own parents lie to me, they had my daughter lying to me.
They used my children to get me to kill myself. They hurt me and, murdered me using the live I have for my children. Now, they are saying "I bet you wish you didn't have children" and, telling my kids they killed me! Nobody can make them stop?! Who the fuck would want to live knowing their own family not only helped do this to them but, that they have done this to others?
My own family abandoned me and, left me with nobody but, these people. My own family lied to me and, the only people that told me the truth were these people. I do not want to be alive. I have no reason to think anyone cares. Fir fucks sake, even the police know what is being done and, did nothing. They can have my life. Nothing is going to change. Nothing is going to make them stop killing people. Nothing is wrong with what they do. It was how I reacted that was the problem. They didn't do anything illegal. They were doing God's work.
I have no reason to believe that anyone will ever care about this thing. Being happy and, living my life made people do something so terrible that I want to die.
I will never trust people, I will always know my own cunt mother helped someone get away with hurting my children. My parents flat out said they "didn't blame Tracy for hurting my son!" My son and, daughter will know that their grandparents helped kill their mother and, that if something ever happens to them, nobody will give a fuck. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. I AM NOT A CHILD MOLESTER.
Almost every single day they tell me that my step dad, brothers, uncles and, other family members RAPED ME. My mom blames me and, she says "this is how you stand by your man!" I have nothing left of the life since loved and, no reason to believe that I am a person. They will remain free to torture more people for reasons they made up. Their ability to remove your free will has made them untouchable. Their ability to blame you for things they did, is effective. Once they have used frequency offset to get you to make a mistake, they have control forever. Even worse, if you are dumb enough to learn how to do this believing it will save your life or, help you fight them off, then you are fucked worse than I am. This is a death penalty offense. You will become a domestic terrorist and, join a group of people who openly admit to killing people. Who openly admit to doing this to thousands of people. You will become something that will never be the same again. Something so horrible you won't be able to admit to yourself the things you have done.
My own children are now shaming me. Saying that I am the problem. I am a drug addict. They are DOMESTIC TERRORISTS. That is the cold hard facts. I WAS MURDERED BY DOMESTIC TERRORISTS and, in the end, dying is better than living knowing they got away with these things. Knowing they did this to so many other people and, will never be stopped.