Marriage and, Family

 There is something wrong and, I have learned that it is with me. The way I thought about marriage and, family and, the things you should and, shouldn't do. I feel stupid now and, it is probably the biggest reason that I do not ever want to be more than friends with anyone. I do not want to live anyone. I don't want my family anymore. When John told me that this was the death of a dream, my only dream, he wasn't kidding.

He was my husband. U loved him and, I was proud of the man I believed he was. There were a lot of things that I had so much respect for him about. I would never have believed he would be the man he actually is. I would never have suspected anything was so, I am not sure how to explain how I see him now. He was the only person I had thought I would be married to until the day I died. The only person that I didn't believe divorce was an option when I married them. I know how that makes me sound and, I understand it isn't the way people should feel when they get married. With John, I was willing to put the things that made my last relationships fail into the light. Willing to work on myself and, who I was in a relationship. Willing to listen to the things he had to say that hurt me and, listen with the realization he was saying them because he lived and, respected me and, wanted me to shine, not fall.

Now, I know that everything I believed was wrong. After being told hundreds maybe, thousands of times, to that John doesn't have to tell me the truth and, listening to him like to me so much, I am not willing to believe that anything good can come from a relationship. I thought family came together, helped each other, defended each other, that there wasn't a huge need to hide everything from your partner. I believed it was ok to talk openly about anything. I thought I could tell him different quirks about the people I knew because, he would ine say meet them all and, I wanted him to feel comfortable around the people I lived so much. I trusted him and, I had no idea that every single word I ever said to him was something that would be used to hurt me simi badly I feel almost nothing but, shame and, humiliation. For those feelings to come to me from a man that made me feel like I was so beautiful and, so lived by him, it is something I will never get over. 

All the lies and, not just small lies. Lies that have changed the way I see the world, the way I see other people. I gave him the benefit of the doubt so many times. Things that I definitely should not have accepted, I let slide. Now, I get blamed and, shamed over these things. Told I lived him more and, put him above my children. Asked if I ever lived my kids. Things that I would have never believed anyone would say it, believe about me and, John simply lies to me and, tries to place the blame on me as well. He is the one who told me something he said once and, to listen to him now, I am just crazy and, lying about the events in our life. Nothing would have prepared me for the things they have done to me and, to find out that the people I loved the most could have helped me and, chose not to, it makes it difficult to be around anyone. I would never have believed that John wouldn't defend me and, would lie to me so much that I question what I know is fact. I question myself. To everyone else, I am just a crazy liar. They know I am not, I know I am not. To be hurt by so many people and, know that I loved a man I now want as far away from as possible makes me hate myself. I believed his promises and, so far, none were true. Nothing about John was real. 

I am told he defended me but, I no longer believe that. He never lived me. I believed he did for a long time. I wish I could say I learned to spot fake love because of him but, I didn't and, that makes me hate myself more. I know I will never be able to trust another human being again. I am no longer a person. I am a nothing. Garbage. Antony they are tired of playing with. Something they watch and, analyze then, try to destroy. I can not live up to their standards if perfection and, I am constantly reminded that I am not something anyone would want. Reminded that anyone who cared, lied. Nobody could care about this thing. 

I am not sure why they told me they cared about me. Maybe because it was funny to watch me believe them. It helped for a little while, helped me stay alive. Helped me believe I was still seen as a person and, a woman and, things like that. It helped until I realized that, no matter how much they professed their feelings, nobody but, John wanted to be around me. Even people I thought were my friends have since pointed out they have been trying to write me off for a long time. I feel even worse now. I come across as desperate and, pathetic and, John leads the campaign. People who care don't write someone off when they are being attacked, TORTURED. They don't make fun of you and, call you a liar when they know you have been so hurt you can't remember things. They don't make fun of you for asking for a hug. They don't do the things that have been done. 

To them, I tortured myself. This is my fault and, mine alone. They did nothing wrong. They didn't hurt me. It's all in my head. It's my fault because they used my children to hurt me and, I no longer want to be around my kids. I know logically, this isn't their fault but, it isn't mine either. No matter what I did, it wasn't good enough. It wasn't what they wanted. It wasn't the way they wanted it. I didn't listen to every word. They don't give a fuck if I die and, most of them are very clear that they would prefer I die. I didn't bend to their will every time they demanded. I didn't care enough, I wasn't nice enough, I didn't give my life to them. If I listen to the wrong song, it's my fault and, I am hated. They don't have to do this, they choose to. 

Unfortunately, I didn't get the rules explained to me the way they say I did. I am not a team player! THIS ISN'T MY TEAM! It is a group of people who, I am told raped me. Told I had to let that go and, "take one for the team!" My own mother got angry at me for talking to and, they say flirting with or, telling them I loved them because, they raped me. Today she said it was a long time ago, she thought I would be over it by now! This is John's team though. Teamwork made his dream work and, looking back, he was never on my team. That's my fault too though. Who would want to be on my side. After all, this is all my fault. Even my mother believes that.

They actually told me this morning that I am just misunderstanding things. That I am the problem. It's my fault I am a drug addict, of course, it benefits them to keep me on drugs even though they demand I get off of them. I made some bad choices but, for my own mother to want me to die, what choice could make a mother want to kill her own child? Who are you going to believe? The woman they hurt so badly I have no reason to want to live or, the people who keep telling me to get off drugs? 

I don't want to live. In over five years not one person came to me and, talked to me about this like I was a person too. They thought it was funny to tell me things that happened without even looking at me. With no compassion or, feeling. With no thought about how badly they have destroyed my self esteem, my family, my life. To them, my own mother included, I was just a reminder of how pathetic something can get if you treat it badly. They decided I meant nothing and, couldn't do anything their way, just a thing that didn't di what they wanted so, I die. 

I wasn't part of their group. The odd woman out. I didn't do anything and, even tried to befriend Angela before all of this happened. That only made her angrier. I loved my family. I was happy that I believed John loved us. I believed him when he said the day we got married was the happiest day of his life. I believed him when he said he was thankful that we welcomed him into our family and, into our home, I believed him when he said he loved me. My biggest crime was believing I was loved.