I Will Never See My Kids Again

I hate my life. I married a man I thought was so amazing and, my life has been destroyed 

I didn't do anything and, they decided I needed to be tortured to death and, my own mother decided that was the best idea. I can't get them to stop. They insult me and, treat me like shit and, there isn't much I can do about any of it. 

I feel like shit. I have no self esteem left I can't do anything right and, they never stop. It makes them feel good to make me wish I was dead. What would it matter, I am never going to see my kids again and, I am ready to move on. I don't want to be here anymore. What's the point?

My life is a joke. They have hurt me so badly that I can't remember some parts of what they have done. I can't get help because, they will do this to any therapist I see and, I need a specialist anyways. 

It's not like it matters if I die. It's better for everyone that way. My parents lose their financial drain, my kids won't be humiliated by my being tortured to death, nobody else will have to write me off. Everyone can back to their normal lives. Seems like the best thing for everyone. 

I won't have to listen to them tell me they are killing me because of my daughter who I miss so much or, my son who I also miss like crazy. I won't have to hear how my family raped me or, anything else like that. I won't have to listen to them tell me the things they did to me that I gave no memory of. I won't ever be accused of molesting children. It seems like that is the only way to get away from these people. I don't have any part of my life left anyways. To them, it's a fucking game. Some kind of sick fucking joke and, to me, this was my life.

I don't know what else to do. I have done everything they have demanded at least once except, kill myself. There is no way to please them enough to make them stop and, I am not sure if anyone can understand just how depressed I really am.

I don't know why they couldn't be stopped or, why my life didn't matter to even my own mother. It's obvious I am worth nothing. Just a loser, a failure, someone to pretend to care about and, then blame for everything and, that's all I will ever be. I have no hope left. Who would?

There is nothing left to try to believe. Nothing makes a difference. All they do is abuse the fuck out of me and, the tell me I tortured myself! It's always "fuck you Jennifer Butterfield!" I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to hear how worthless and, unwanted I am every second of every day. I can't handle this anymore. I didn't do anything and, they have done this to me almost my entire life. They planned all of this out and, there was nothing I could do. I hate myself. I hate my life. I don't want to fight like this just to fucking survive. It's not worth it. 

I am blamed for stupid things and, I am at the point where I no longer give a shit about people. I am not a person so why should I care? My own mother didn't give a fuck that people are trying to kill me. She is all for it! She refused to even acknowledge that this was happening. It apparently is some big secret and, I am finally at the end of my life. My mother should have killed me sooner, saved all these other people from having to do it. 

They even have kids fucking doing this to me! It's like everybody in the gis damn world knows all of these terrible things they have done but, I am not a person so, who gives a fuck. Knowing how stupid I was to have loved John and, believed he loved me when he never did, that alone is humiliating and, depressing enough to want to die. Add in the fact that I have no family anymore because of this bullshit and, I can't see the point of wanting to live.

John did things like put shit in my birthday cake, drug me, rape me, poison me and, I tried to tell my mom but, she either didn't believe me or, just didn't care 

Drugs, I get to die because, I am a drug addict. I guess that meant I am worthless. Who cares that all the time I have been fighting for my life, I don't want my life anymore so, at least I don't have to fight anymore. Fighting for a family that doesn't want me. Fighting for people that only want me to die. Treated like garbage and, told that is better than I deserve to be treated. 

They have done this to so many people. Thousands. They did this to the diplomats in Havana and, elsewhere. Nobody gives a shit though. 

They have hurt me badly, I am sure if I pulled up a list of if symptoms for severe trauma, I would have almost all of them. If I do that though, they will just tell me I am taking and, call me a liar even more than they do.

There was no reason to do this other than their selfish bullshit. It is sick. So many people know what they have done but, as always, it's my fault. I DID THIS TO MYSELF! I TORTURED MYSELF! I guess by believing that my family cared or, that my husband loves me! Neither of those things are true. Who would care about a fat slob like me? Nobody! 

They tell me things and, then if the things they say are either something I think about or, something that someone else hears and, turns them in for, that's my fault too. How can you tell me my daughter was molested and, that it was her father that set the whole thing up and, expect me not to at the very least think about something like that?! Other people can hear all of this, how long before others start to get concerned and, turn them in? 

These people have become by far, the worst, most vile, disgusting people on earth. I am sure that's my fault too. They lie, cheat, steal and, expect to get whatever they want. If they do not get what they want, your life will become hell. They will have you thrown in jail and, false or, trumped up charges. They will verbally assault you non stop and, the things they say are so horrific that you can barely stand to listen but, there isn't really a way to block it all out when they talk about such personal and, graphic things. If they do this to you physically, like they did to me, you will be fucked for life.

In my case, they have used my kids to hurt me and, make me want to die so much that I can't picture their faces when they bitch about them, their names no longer connect to the people they are, I am constantly afraid that when I talk to them these people will tell them to kill themselves because they still love their mom, like they did for a very long time or, I will say or, do the wrong thing and, it will be used against me. I am afraid of my own children and, they did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong. They admit they started doing this to me and, planning this long before I had children. 

John used to tell me about an imaginary friend he had when he was a child. George. He said he saw George all the fucking time. I AM GEORGE! How could he marry me when he knows that his family has done this to me for so fucking long? How could he marry me when he did this to me himself? How could he look me in the eyes and, make all these promises and, tell me how grateful he is that I let him be part of my family and, my children's lives and, not a word of it was true! How could he make fun of me for hearing these people and, tell me he doesn't have a fucking clue who is hurting me or, how when he was part of this the entire fucking time? Humiliating doesn't begin to describe how bad this fucking feels.

Then to add in the fact that these people have hurt me physically and, they attack my body to the point where there is no fucking way if I don't already have cancer that I won't have it soon enough. I am ashamed of the way my body reacts to this. Ashamed of how I look. Ashamed of things I have zero control over. Ashamed each time I hear that someone used to care but, now I am too worthless or, disgusting or, a million other things that are wrong with me are pointed out. I hate every single thing about myself and, I have no way to shut them the fuck up. No way to heal. Every other minute it is some dumb cunt telling me that they don't think I care about my daughter. They rarely mention my son and, for a while I thought that was a good thing until I started hearing how he believes I don't live him because, all I talk about is his sister. That's all they talk about a vast majority of the time. "Do you even care about your daughter?" Hundreds of times a day "Do you know anything about your daughter?" If I say I need my mom, so does your daughter. Nothing about me matters. There is no way to heal, they don't give me the chance and, asking my mom for help making this stop is as effective as asking John or, the wall. I am not good enough, to these people, to be a mother and, since they rule without any type of higher authority, what they say is what you do. You will never again have free will in your own life. You will be forced to listen to "your inner voice." Don't be fooled, it's just someone else who thinks they know you better than you know yourself and, they will make your decisions. Keep in mind, they are domestic terrorists who, in my case are stupid cunts who were jealous of my marriage or, my relationship with my children. Along with my family who they say helped plan this and, gave their permission, I have no hope of ever being able to make them stop so I can try to heal and, have a life.

They have taken every single thing I believed and, torn it apart. I no longer believe my parents give a fuck about me. They would rather defend their sons who hurt me than be there for me. It's better to just tell me they don't know anything and, then do this to me. John has never been in my side. He has always defended the woman I told him was doing this to me and, he has never been faithful to me. Two days after he moved in he was cheating on me. He has never been there for me and, he congratulates himself for not letting my daughter go into the system because he got out moms together so they could take care of her. Must have been super hard when he knew it was coming! The day i lost custody of her, he stuck his head into the room, said I lost her but, he saved the day then, went out in a date and, got a blow job! That's how much we meant to him. I tried to tell him what they were telling me, including that they were going to kill me, he just made fun of me for it. 

Why should I want to live? I can't even wipe my ass without being made fun of. They call me a man all the time or, Johns husband. His mother tells me John wanted to be married to a woman and, they all tell me how fucking fat I am every day, including John and, my mom! In fact, she calls me Frankenstein! My life is pointless unless you need something to laugh at! 

Each person that I believed cared about me, I have to listen to them tell me how worthless I am. Over and, over. Most of the time I just blow it off but, I have very few friends so it hurts to be told how much they hate me and, how they pick on me all the time. There are two other people that it still hurts to hear how much they hate me. How they never gave a fuck. How they just used me to make themselves feel better. How they just wanted a way to get out of trouble. Even things that I think are something nice, something kind, they always end up being something humiliating. I can only count on things being shit. Nothing nice is ever real! There is no way to understand, no way to know what is real and, what isn't. No way to know if the person I am talking to is who I believe it is and, nothing I am ever going to be able to do about it.

I don't want to live and, if they are ever caught, he forced to relive all of this. Even worse, having time tha I don't have filled with stupid shit to keep my mind occupied and, thinking about the time I lost with my children, the people I met along the way that didn't remain in my life, the things they did to me, it's all too much. Nothing is going to be normal. I can't handle stress. I am afraid of getting hurt so, I will almost immediately just give up. The last thing I need is to try and, be reminded of how I fail at everything. I am at the point where I know I am a huge fuck up, a mistake from start to finish and, I can't handle it anymore. 

Listening to my own mother make fun of me or, tell me how she has her granddaughter and, that's all she wanted, is too much.

Now, they are telling me my mom tried to kill herself. Sure she did. Just like my son killed himself a bunch of times. My Grandma died a few times a week. My dad shot my mom, my mom shot my dad, my son shot his dad or, killed someone in a car accident. Whatever. It's all bullshit. Then, they make fun of me and, tell me I am a psycho because, I don't care anymore and, I don't cry like I used to. Who fucking gives a shit. 

They tell me all these lies. One right after another then, when it is clear they are doing nothing but lying to me, they tell me that I wasn't raped! Then why the fuck bring it up? 

I loved John and, knowing that he has told me a lot of things that these people have said happened to me, it's kike he wanted me to know how badly hurt I have been and, that he helped these people get away with it! The pain of loving someone who could have saved my family, saved us and, made it so my children could have continued to grow up together and, have that bond that growing up across the country from each other will never give them, he could have saved my life, it's so sick. I hear him saying shit like "bet you wish you were nicer to me!" You sick bitch, you did this to me and, my children. 

He used to make me believe this was my fault. If I just tried harder, kept the house cleaner, had dinner at a certain time, whatever it was if I had just been able to meet the standard, it would go away. Every fight was my fault and, I had to apologize. Every problem was my problem. We weren't a team. We weren't partners. "Whose fault is that?!" Is usually what I would be told? How is this my fucking fault? He lied to me from day one. Everything about him, almost, was a lie. Yet, in part because I believed it would stop if I could meet their standards, partly because, I constantly get told how everyone hates me and, John is the only one that will ever love me, how little self esteem I have left and, how much I loved him and, didn't want to believe that I invited a monster into my children's lives and, I loved that monster, it all came together to make it difficult to leave him. I had support from friends, people that would help me remember that I deserve better and, things aren't my fault but, I would feel guilty for trying to leave him. 

I am told to kill myself all the time and, beaten down so badly that I bo kinger can find anything good about myself then, beaten down and, told how I am going to lose my kids because I think about dying. They have left me feeling like death is the only way they will stop. My kids can't have a normal life if I remain alive. The people I care about won't be hurt anymore. "This all goes away if you kill yourself!" Nothing sounds better than making this all go away but won't have to worry or, be made to feel paranoid. I won't have to feel like this or, be hurt more. I won't find out more things I believed were real are fake. They won't have to hurt anyone else. My death solves everything.

They have filled my head so full of bullshit and, lies mixed in with the horrible things they did to me that I just do not care anymore. At all. What's the point? If I care whatever or, whoever I care about will instantly be used to hurt me. Caring about anyone or, anything only equals pain and, more torture. Nothing is worth caring about when this is the end result. How can anyone expect me to live a life where I care about nothing and, nobody because, I don't want to be hurt more?! NOTHING MATTERS TO ME ANYMORE! NOT ONE SINGLE FUCKING THING. So why stay alive? I won't see my kids ever again. My family hates me and, calls me their financial drain among, many, many other things. Every single day they tell me how I am going to be arrested. Fuck this. I don't even get to open my eyes before someone is bitching at me and, sleeping is just as bad. For a little while they would make me dream about the things that happened to me. Vivid dreams, like a movie. From not just my point of view but, others as well. Who wants to live like this?

Every name they use, it is rarely if ever that person. For a while, they announced that someone had left the building! Later I was told that was when John was "playing" that person. That means it was John who left the building and, John who tortured me so badly one night that when the person whose name they used texted me and, told me they just woke up, I was terrified and, started screaming. That also means John was not in prison during the time period he was supposed to be. How could he be leaving the building and, torturing me while in prison?! I feel so stupid because, I loved him and, for a long time didn't really believe anything they said about him and, I didn't really believe he would kill me. I am not sure why I trusted him as much as i did or, why I believed he loved me as much as I did. He hurt me. Badly hurt me and, in a lot of different ways. Ways that will take a lifetime to heal.

I asked him about prison, several times. He swore up and, down he didn't get out before the day he came here in his oms boyfriend's truck and, I met him outside. 2022. Later he started telling me it was 2023 and, I had to ask someone else what year he got out. What did he do during that year he is trying to say he was in prison?! I have heard a lot of things. I remember once hearing his dad exclaim with complete shock "Tracy, you got him out of prison?!" How the fuck could that have been a surprise? He sounded surprised though! For a while they kept saying my uncle got him out when I was being raped so he could come and, save me. I don't believe that too much though. He denied it all and, tells me how crazy I am for thinking I heard him this way and, told me to ask his mom if I didn't believe him and, she would tell me how crazy I am too. I know what I heard though. That was when all kinds of strange things kept happening in the apartment. Maggots out in my area, my purse moved into the laundry hamper when I took the dog out for a walk. I remember a friend telling me about how they knew someone who knew the person next door. At the time I didn't think anything of it, later I was told John was shacking up with her when he was supposed to be in prison. He loved me so much he moved in next door instead of prison! Then, I had to hear about how I was supposed to learn how to do this and, to prove my love for him I was supposed to get him out of prison. No way. Not ever. Fucking stupid. 

Why tell me all of these things this way? When people are almost guaranteed to hear everything you say? It makes no sense. Maybe they just got too relaxed and, believed they would never be stopped or, that my love for John would make me keep my mouth shut. John calls me a snitch all the time and, these people are all connected in their bullshit. They all risk losing everything if one goes down, like dominoes. I am at the point where I am ready to die so, why should I care if I spill more things that I know. Bet he wishes he was nicer to me! 

I am sick of caring about people who do not care about me. Sick of hoping that somehow being an actual, relatable person would make them see that I didn't need to die. It didn't work. All I got was hurt more, left feeling even uglier and, fatter and, hairyer and, more unwanted and, it isn't worth it to keep trying.

I don't want to hear about my uncle rapping me with a broom handle. I don't want to hear women telling me what John does to them while I am having sex with him. It is so bad, I can not orgasm and, sex is miserable and, not looked forward to or, enjoyable. Then, I have to hear how I can't make him orgasm. That one is all in him. He pretends and, acts like I am too stupid to know and, I don't really care so I just let it go. It just gets old. I was told I thought about sex too much and, made John feel like a piece if meat so, they "fixed me!" We were newlyweds and, nothing needed to be fixed. A piece of meat, what the fuck. According to his mother and, brother I am "too disgusting for him to be able to keep his dick hard!" Then, why doesn't he just go away? Why keep coming back and, pretending to love me? Why tell me all these nice things about how we will have some kind of future together? I don't want a future with him. He is scum. Complete scum. He used me, my children, my family to try to get some big pay out and, there isn't one. Then, I heard him asking for money so he would leave me and, I wouldn't be hurt anymore. I heard that the same thing was done to his last girlfriend but, they are friends so how can that be true? Is anything from the last six years true or, was it all some kind of sick game? I know my nose was broken and, that they hurt me. I remember some things including, someone being in this apartment and, them making a phone call from in here. Why didn't anyone try to do something about any of this?