I Just Can't Care Anymore

 I am done dealing with all of this. I have lost my life for no fucking reason and, I don't want to give a shit anymore. 

My own parents believe that everything that has happened was ok. I am having a very difficult time believing anything happened at this point. Why would I believe anything in the first fucking place. I just don't care. It something happened, I don't care. 

I can't stand being alive anymore. I am not able to get my family to give a shit about me. My life has been destroyed, completely destroyed and, it makes no difference to pretty much everyone. Who gives a shit how I feel, my feelings have never mattered to people. I am not a person anyways. Just some stupid cunt that everyone hates.

I am sick of being forced to listen to it all. Sick of being hurt. I mean seriously sick of being hurt. Life is nothing but, pain and, the drama other people decided was good for my life. I am not allowed to say anything to anyone and, it didn't make a difference anyways.

I am so sick of people pretending to give a shit when they don't. How can anyone care? I still can't believe anything I hear. There is no fucking way any of it is true. There is no way that the things they said happened could be true. 

Seriously, someone tried to put a horses dick in me? I was raped, help captive, huge gaps on my memory and, not one person could say anything about any of this? My mom hangs up on me when I begged her for help last time. There is no fucking way a mother wouldn't care if her daughter was hurt like they say they hurt me. It was all some kind of sick game.

They say that they kept drugging me and, raping me or, letting people in to rape me. What the fuck kind of shit is that. 

I am done trying to figure things out. I will never be able to and, I don't think that it would matter even if I could. I am nothing but, a joke. A worthless, fat, ugly, pathetic, stupid, hairy, cunt. A nothing. I am tired of being alive. What's the point? 

They made it very, very clear I will never see my kids again. I clearly am too stupid to be able to understand that I am not something anyone could actually love. Just too much of everything that is worth nothing. 

I am so God damn sick of hearing listen to your kids, I cant hear them. I can't see anyone. I can't get anyone to talk to me. I was stupid to have hoped that John or, people in general wanted me around.

I am told things like John out boogers in my vagina. Like always, no evidence so, it is just like everything else, words that are lies. That's all my life is now, people lying to me. People unable to prove anything.

They spent years proving I can't trust myself, look how fucking bad my choices are. Proving everything isn't real. Then, they tell me it's real. Then, it isn't. Then, I am supposed to trust myself enough to make big choices. If I could do that, I would have left John. 

John hates me. I mean really, really HATES me. Everyone does though. People don't want to be around me anymore and, when I am, I just get made fun of anyways. John keeps trying to give me away, gets pissed off when nobody wants me, talks all kinds of shit and, it is beyond humiliating, I am sick if life. Nobody could just talk to me, they just kept hurting me and, my kids and, love were the weapons they used. Now, I will never believe in love again. I will never believe in myself. I hate people and, I am done living. I can't take this anymore. 

I am done trying. I can't handle anything anymore. My kids were my life and, all day and, night I get accuse of hurting them. I can't get these people to leave me the fuck alone so I could try to get my life back together and, I cant get help. 

They deny they did this to kill me but, that is what they did. They have finally hurt me bad enough that this is the only way to get relief. The only way to get these people to stop. The only way to make sure that the people I still love, the ones that hate me, will be able to be happy again. 

Every fucking day, sometimes hundreds of times I get told to kill myself. For 5.5 years "just kill yourself." It was the one thing they have demanded the entire time I have nobody. Not one person left who gives a fuck. It's better that way. I get told how hated I am all the time and, I am ok with it all now. As long as I die, everything will be ok. 

I am not sure what else to do. The things they have done and, the way they hurt people and, blame me, I can't understand. They kill people and, say it was me because, they use my voice. "If you had just killed yourself sooner I wouldn't have had to hurt other people. Everyone will blame you for that too!" "I killed people and, nobody cared because, they are all interested in what you are doing." I have been told how it's my fault they couldn't be stopped. How my voice was the last voice people heard, including my dad. How it was my voice that tortured people. How it isn't what they are doing that is the problem, it's how I reacted. They tell me all the time I have cancer or AIDS. That my daughter was hurt or, injected with aids. Everything has been designed to hurt me. 

I trusted John for a long time. They love to tell me now "trust your husband!" Then tell me every vile, humiliating, disgusting thing that you can imagine and, say that he did these things to me. He lies to me so fucking much that no matter how hard I try, I can't trust him. He has proven he doesn't give a flying ruck about me. I am too stupid to be able to leave him though. Even though I love someone else and, John treats me like shit. Makes fun of me, refuses to talk to me, cheats on me and, I am too afraid to leave. Too afraid of everything and, I can't stand it anymore. We can't get along and, I am stuck in the worst position I have ever been in. I have to "trust my instincts" to be able to leave and, I can't trust myself anymore. I am not strong enough anymore. 

I can't try to survive anymore. In the end, I loved John even though he has hurt me more than I can stand and, I hate myself for it. I hate myself more than anyone will ever be able to understand. I have lost everyone and, everything fighting for not just my family but, for them to stop and, it made no difference. It actually made things worse. There is no point in a life that is not allowed happiness. No point in trying when you can't determine what is true and, what isn't. They blame drugs and, me. I feel guilty for things I didn't fucking do. I am sick of everything being thrown in my face. Sick of being hurt. Everything is always my God damn fault and, I am sick of being hated and, hurt. Fuck people. Fuck life. People want to kill me anyways so, I might as well do it before someone else does and, then it will probably hurt more too. I am never going to be able to get over the pain and, humiliation