Everyone Wants Me To Die
I have lost my life and, I don't know why but, I am fine with it I tried to be a good person and, they decided that I wasn't. I thought I was a good mom and, I wasn't. I am a failure at everything.
When I asked these people to leave me alone, they would just tell me that is what they are trying to do. I am never going to be able to believe that my life mattered to anyone. I love my kids so much and, I am afraid to talk to them or, interact with them very much because, it just gives them more ammunition. My heart is so broken that nothing will be able to fix it.
My mom says that I deserved to have this done to me, that I needed this! I have lost the will to live.
I was stupid to have believed in John. I knew he was hurting me and, he didn't fucking care. It was stupid to have thought he was here to help me. All people want is for me to die. If I trust John, life gets worse. He never wanted to marry me, that is obvious. He was never attracted to me. I was just a game, a joke. Just. Stupid bitch that fell for his lies.
The way these people blame me for the things Angela Tracjveski said and, did. I am not the person they have made me seem like but, I can't get them to back off. I didn't understand that I am not a good enough thing. I am not allowed to have a normal life. Not allowed to be a person.
I am sorry that I tried to survive. I am sorry that they got away with torturing me and, my children. I loved the man that not only let us be torn apart without a single thought to how badly his lies were hurting us, he helped kill me. My daughter, I am told, hates me for fighting with her dad. Why wouldn't she, he was only trying to kill me. I should have been stronger and, I shouldn't have let him be near us. I shouldn't have tried to trust him.
I am sick of hearing these people. It has demolished my self esteem to have to listen to them tell me how he is with other women, especially while he is having sex with me. I get it, nobody wants me, I didn't think they did. I loved John. I was happy and, I thought he was too. I didn't believe he was cheating on me the way he has our entire relationship was a lie. I wasn't worth anything, not even to my mom.
They hurt me. I can't remember the things they tell me so, it's like they are talking about someone else but, I know they did because of John. The way he would say the same things they did but, he said those things happened to his friends or, were things he wanted to do to me. I am nervous around most people, I try to hide it but, they were right, I don't know who did this to me and, I try to not think about it and, try to be normal. It's how they will use anyone who even looks at me to hurt me. If someone is nice to me it is because they want something from me or, they hurt me or, some other fucked reason. It is never because I am a person. No idy could ever be attracted to me and, nobody is allowed to think anything good about me. They will make sure to show every single thing that will shame me or, hurt me and, they will never stop. This is the rest of my life and, they have no problems telling me.
It would have been different if people hadn't lied to me about this when I tried to talk to them about it. The two people I trusted more than anyone, besides my children, lied to me. Lied to me and, made fun of me. Told me I am stupid and, crazy. All the time I am told how hated I am. For whatever reason I am told hundreds of times a day how nobody wants to sleep with me. Ok, I only wanted to sleep with John. I said that so many times but, he is disgusted by me. He doesn't look at me, the only time he touches me is when he is told to or, when he has sex with me. I am tired of listening to him make fun of me when we have sex. I am sick of saying how badly hurt I am I my to be told how I am hurting everyone else. I don't know what I did. I tried to stay with John. I am sorry I fell I love with two other people. I didn't go looking for anyone else and, I still honored my vows with John, I wanted my marriage to work. I wanted to live him and, be with him and, I tried longer than I should have. I let the things they say about me change the way I see myself. I believed that most of the problems in my marriage and, in my life were my fault and, not theirs. It is their fault though. They manipulated so many people and, so many situations so that I seem like someone I am not.
For a while I thought John lied to me for reasons that we're not to cause me to want to die. Looking at it now, he never had my back. He was never there when I needed him the most. He throws everything in my face and, demands I give him reasons. He knows the reasons though, he is nothing but a con man. A liar. I am afraid to give up on my marriage though. What if he is someone I can trust like they keep telling me? What if he is abusing me to help me, like they keep telling me? They have made it so I can't believe what I hear most of the time and, they made it so I have a very hard time trusting people around me.
John has been worse than these people though. The fear I feel at making him leave my life shouldn't be there. He has done things that he should have been arrested for but, I am afraid that nobody will believe me. That the people I hear who say they are helping me or, that care about me aren't real. What if they are lying to me? What if the things they say he has done, things I have no memory of and, no proof, what if those are lies too? John is the only person who is willing to come here and, be around me. Not that everyone can just show up at any time but, these people that say they are helping me or, care about me are not ever around me and, they have proven before that they are not on my side. How do I make a decision when I don't know what is true?
How could the things I hear about him and, the things they say he did to me be real? Wouldn't someone speak up, wouldn't someone care enough to tell me in person? These things are so horrific and, life altering yet, I get told when I am alone or, when John is with me. I am not worth telling and, making sure I have some kind of support? How can they say he drugged me so often that the drugs didn't have the same effect so he had to stop? That he and, my brother let people in to have sex with me after they drugged me? That he had sex with someone else when I was next to him in bed? That he physically hurts me while I am asleep and, I don't wake up? That he tried to give me AIDS? There are a lot more things than just those. Didn't my mom love me enough to want me to survive? Why did she lie to me too? Why wasn't I good enough for someone to just talk to me about this? I had two friends that did talk to me about his cheating. I thought they cared but, I guess now they don't.
I saw videos of John having sex with other woman. I gave him his phone with them still playing. When I tried to talk to him about it, he denied it was him! He does things like that a lot and, he gets so angry and, I am told all the time how I lost everyone, I was afraid that I might have been wrong and, then I would iose him too. I will never have any kind of relationship with my family. I can't get over the way they helped do this and, after being told that this is why they didn't tell me my Grandma died and, knowing they don't believe me and, some of them helped do this to me, my family is gone. They deny that they hurt me at all and, just blame drugs. Drugs weren't why they did this. My children weren't why they did this. I am just not who they demanded I be and, they have decided that they are done playing with my life. They are ready to get a new toy.
It's always my fault. Always. Everything I do is wrong. No matter how hard I try, my best is never good enough.
I have a hard time connecting most of these people with the things they say have been done to me. I talk to them, they talk to me. They are people. They can be nice, they can be not so nice. ⅖