You're Not A Good Mom

 Those are, by far, the most painful words anyone could ever say to me.

My entire life, all I ever wanted was a family of my own. One that was full of love, laughter and, acceptance. One where I felt wanted.

For a brief moment, I was lucky. I thought I had, finally found the key to the future. I was the happiest I had ever been. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was where I belonged 

I believed, with every single part of me, that my dream had come true. I had met and, married a man that I had zero doubts about. I had never felt like the person I was with truly loved every part of me. When I fell in love with John, I had no doubts.

It took being tortured and, John coming back from prison and, proving that he had been lying to me, for me to start to understand that he might not live me the way I thought he did.

It took knowing that I won't be able to see my kids again and, losing everyone that I loved for their torture to finally work.

I was so stupid to have believed that John would have wanted a second chance with something like me. When he went to prison, he kept saying that all he wanted was a second chance, a clean slate, a faithful relationship. He said he had so much to make up for. I believed him.

I was so happy when I saw him again. I thought I was so lucky and, I was grateful m it was a second chance for me too.

He used to call me supermom and, I believed him when he said he would help me get my children back, that he would help make all of this stop. I believed him when he told me that he wouldn't hurt me, that I could trust him and, let my guard down. 

In hindsight, I guess I should have seen the signs a lot sinner than I did. When I did see them, I didn't believe them. I still, at times, especially when we get along, can't believe that this is what happened to my dream. This is what happened to my family that I believed loved me so much.

I wish I would have believed the things that people had told me about John. I wouldn't even listen to them for a very long time. Even after realizing that he wasn't who I believed he was and, that he maybe never felt the way I thought he did, Instill had hope. I still believed in myself and, others. I still thought things could be ok and, that I was still worth not only helping but, loving.

I didn't think that John might have set me up. That the things he told me about himself and, others that had been or, are in his life might not have been true. I didn't think that each time he left me, height have been with someone else,b that he might have been ignoring me and, refusing to talk to me for a reason. 

I lost my kids and, neither time did I have any support from John. In fact, when I lost my daughter, he stuck his head into our room and, told me then, left! The people doing this to me said he went on a date, I didn't believe that but, now who knows. We went from being able to talk about everything with respect and, love to not talking at all. I felt so alone.

Then, after he went to jail, someone started making sure I was on. Checking up on me. Letting me hang out. Talking to me and, listening to me when I talked and, I had an affair. John, he says now that he didn't give his approval but, he did. He said he was so happy that person was checking up on me. How they were such good people. When they let me move in with them, he was all for it. Telling me how much I would love being around them and, how they would take care of me and, how I would love them so much. 

Even though I had told John I would take him back and, give him that second chance, I had decided I didn't want to. That I was happier and, I didn't want the chaos back. Then, things git uncomfortable and, it started changing everything I felt. Even though I still have live for the people that took me in, things weren't the same. Something I have never talked about was, the people that started reminding me that I told John I would take him back. The people that kept reminiscing me that we were still married and, how I owed it to him to give him that second chance. I told them I had made my decision and, to get them to go away, I told them I was taking him back, even though I still wasn't planning on it. 

I started thinking about how I kept he999aring from him, this way, when he was in prison. How that had to mean something and, about how happy I thought we were. How he said he didn't blame me and, how things could be if we worked together. Then, there was a night where I was so hurt and, they said that they were one of the people I had been staying with and, had the affair with and, one of his friends. The next morning, I texted him and, he said he just woke up. I was terrified and, I think it was them that I decided that I needed to be with John.

Things had started to calm down and, the people hurting me had started to leave me alone. I had high hopes that I could get my life back. When John came back, everything changed and, things have gotten steadily worse.#