"YOUR NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE FEELINGS"

I am not certain why these people believe that I need to be demoralized and, treated like I am the worst thing on the fucking planet.

It hurts. It hurts a lot. I keep trying but, I am not exactly sure what to do anymore.

How can anyone thrive in a life where you are put down so much and, made to feel worthless? I clearly am not able to do much that will get people to see me as a person too. I haven't been a person in years so, maybe that is why they don't know that I at least was a person. 

I am sorry that I am not perfect. I get frustrated, angry, hurt, sad, I am not really happy anymore. Happiness, even though I keep trying to be upbeat, is just something that I don't feel anymore. I try to fake it, try to fake that I am not as hurt as I am. It sucks though. 

I am tired of feeling so bad about myself. There clearly is nothing about me that is going to be good enough. 

I am sorry I spent money on myself. I know I have kids and, I should not have spent anything on me. I know I have more than enough and, I want to do what I can for them. I don't know what is wrong with me anymore.

I am sorry that my kids seem like people I don't choose. Nothing could be further from the truth. 

I can't explain what it feels like to have people so unwilling to be in my life in a way that is healthy, normal. They have no problem telling me what to do, think, say, whatever. They have no problem telling me how pretty much everything about me is wrong. I am sick to death of being accused of things that I didn't think. I am aware that I think shitty things sometimes and, that isn't allowed but, there are a lot of things that are shoved into me and, I end up taking the blame for it. I am sick of trying to defend myself. 

I am not sure why I am suppose to live my life for these people. Life was just fine before they decided that the world needed to see me as whatever they see me as.

The flat out cruelty and, complete disregard for anything about me while, I am only allowed to kiss their ass and, do what they demand is sick. If I say anything back, anything negative, anything even remotely close to what they say to me, I am the problem and, I have to be punished.

I don't get it. Why I even tried to be nice or, anything else only shows how sick in the head I am!

"Let's just pretend that everything that was real, wasn't!" Isn't thT what they are already doing? I don't know what the fuck is going on or, why they have been allowed to continue and, so many people have been hurt at this point that who knows what is going on. 

I am sorry that my flaws are so obvious. Once upon a time, when I was a person, I had a lot of good qualities. I am not sure if I still do but, I don't think so. 

I wish I had been able to be the person they demanded I be. I can't get my life back together when there are so many people beating me down like this 

I let myself care about the people I hear. Let myself trust them and, love some of them. It began to feel like I had family again. People that loved me as well. I wish I had been able to stay distant from them. Emotionally distant since I don't know almost all of them in person. I do better when there are people in my life and, when there is kindness. 

I am tired of seeming like I am a nerdy bitch. Tired of being so hurt all the time. I am sorry that I wasn't able to make any type of friendship. I thought being nice would get them to understand that, I am not the thing they believe I am. I thought things were getting a little better but, I am not going to be able to find the silver lining anymore. Things get better for a brief moment then, they get much worse. It's like one step forward, 300 steps back.

They want me to be arrested or, die or, I don't really know what else. I am sorry that I wasn't good enough. Sorry for the mistakes I made.

I wish I had been able to get people to remember I was a person too. 

I am sorry they had to hurt me the way they have. It is a terrible, horrific feeling to have been hurt the way they say and, somehow I am still having to bow down to them like I owe them something. I never thought of them as owing me anything. All I ever really thought was, maybe if we all work together we can get this to stop. I was willing to work with them to make this stop but, I guess that wasn't going to work. 

I don't know why my mom (that's who they said it was) said she thought this was winding down. Since they have been on vacation things have gotten a million times worse. AT LEAST A MILLION TIMES WORSE. 

I am sorry that all of this has happened. I love my kids and, I am sorry that people believe that I dont. I try, I really do. Something is wrong and, I am sorry that I couldn't get the support and, help so that may be things could have become different.

I am so very, very hurt. I am sorry that I couldn't make them stop 

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