What Is The Point!

 It is very clear that I am not meant to survive. Every single time I believe in myself, in someone else, in something I am told, things are then twisted around and, I am left uncertain of things that I believed. 

This has happened so many times now that, I am not sure I am going to feel confident in believing anything or, anyone.

I am sorry tHat people wanted me to die so badly. I have no way of recovering from all of this at this point. 

I am sick of people hurting me. Hurting others and, blaming me. I know now that there is nothing I will ever be able to do that will make this stop. Nothing I will ever be able to do to become a human being again. I am nothing more than something that has to be exterminated. I can't understand anything and, I doubt I will ever understand.

All of the things that have happened, it's just too much for me to continue to deal with. When I was a person, I tried to be a good one. Obviously, I wasn't able to be good enough. I have failed my children. I tried to be myself and, that wasn't what was allowed. I tried to be who they demanded I be and, I wasn't able to. I am sorry that they were able to continue to do this to me and, so many others.

It hurts to believe that these people hurt me the way they say and, instead of support, I got blamed. 

I loved John. I believed he was the man of my dreams and, I believed he loved me. I am not sure when he stopped loving me. At this point, I am not sure of anything. 

I wish that I had been able to find someone who could have talked to me about all of this instead of pretending that this wasn't happening. Almost everyone abandoned me and, I am not able to handle this on my own anymore. I know there must be people in my side and, that not everyone hates me the way I keep hearing. I just don't believe in myself anymore.

I thought that John and, I would be able to remain friends. I had hoped at one point our marriage could have been saved but, that hope left long ago. Now, it is clear that I am not able to trust anyone. Not able to understand why I am not a person anymore. Not able to understand what is happening in my own life and, not able to do much about it all.

I am sorry that I did not want to remain married to John. I thought that we both should be allowed to find happiness and, we haven't been able to do that together for a very long time. I thought we were happy in the beginning, before someone said they started watching again. I was told he fell in love with me when their back was turned and, I wish that I had been left at least one memory that I didn't have to question.

I was the happiest I had ever been when John moved in. I feel foolish now. I still believed dreams could come true and, now I know that only nightmares exist. This has ripped away every belief I had. Everything that made me the person I was is gone. I simply exist, trying to survive in a world that I no longer have a place in. A world I am no longer welcome in. 

I am sorry people believe the worst about me. Sorry that John and, I fought. Sorry that I had never heard of anything like this before they started forcing me to listen to the worst abuse I have ever heard. Sorry that I "let John come back" since how it is obvious he is only here to make himself look like he is better than I am. I thought we were equals. I thought all people were equal. One person may excel at something but, someone else excels at something else. We are not all the same. 

Now, I have learned it is better to be the same. Better to do whatever you are told and, not question anything. Especially when you look like me. "The way you look you shouldn't question anything!" I should have just accepted that "Angela went rogue." and, that this is now what my life was. They were clear when they told me they wouldn't let me be happy again, that I didn't deserve it and, that they were going to do this for the rest of my life. 

I am tired of being told how hated I am. Tired of people telling me I am not worth it. Tired of only hearing people and, feeling isolated and, guilty for things that are not my fault. Tired of being nervous to talk to people. Tired of not being able to remember things that I am told happened. Tired of missing my children and, them being used to hurt me. Tired of being told what to say and, do, especially when I believe that it is wrong. Tired of not being a person. 

I don't know what it is people believe I knew but, I am fairly sure I didn't know. 

I can't take anymore. There is nothing left anyways. How can someone live when they can't believe anything. How can someone survive when they aren't allowed to feel safe, confident, happy? How can people not understand, I can't even trust the people I was closest to? There is literally nothing left.

I have tried like hell to stay alive. Tried to not let the things they say and, do get the best of me. Tried to get my life back in order. Each time I start to do what I need to in order to get my life back, things get worse. Try to get my ID, worse. Therapy appointment, worse. Start to take better care of myself and, try to meet my responsibilities, worse. What's the point? 

They don't want me to get my life back. They don't want me to get my kids back and, they have made that clear too. 

I heard last night that John was in my side and, still in love with me until I started telling all of these people that apparently hurt me that I love them. I don't really believe that but, who knows. I still can't understand why he has always told me he can't hear any of this and, that it was ok to turn people in. I can't really understand anything except, people hate me.

I am not a child molester, not a child abuser, not crazy or, abusive or, schizophrenic. I realize that I appear to be those things, I am not though. I just wasn't allowed to look like myself. I am sick of people using my voice and, being blamed and, made fun of when I say that it wasn't me. I don't even think much anymore. I am tired of hearing how I have little brain activity. Tired of being accused of thinking something that I didn't. Everything I thought was wrong anyways and, they happily told me how they were torturing me with my own thoughts.

I am sick of all of this. It's cruel and, there is no way for me to fight back. 

I am too hurt to really want to care anymore. The most important thing in my life was my family and, this has destroyed us. Ripped us apart so badly, I don't believe I have my family anymore. I just want it all to end and, they have explained there is only one way that will happen. I am sorry, I just can't handle it anymore.