What In The Holy Hell Is Going On

This has been the worst thing I have ever heard and, they are going to get away with every last bit of it. 

I had already figured that it wasn't going to be something that could be stipped entirely but, I didn't helueve that everyone would say that I am the problem. I think there are a few people that understand, I have literally done nothing. For fucks sake they just admitted that I don't know how to do this. I don't do hardly anything and, I guess getting rid of me is the solution to all their problems. 

It sucks pretty hard to know that these things can happen, not because I did anything but, because they have spent so much time setting all of this up and, there is only so much I can do. 

I feel stuck. Hopeless and, worthless. I don't know what to do and, I am not going to be able to figure anything out. My head has been used like a fucking ping pong ball. Just listening to them today proves that. There will never be anything I can do to prove that I am a person and, that tis has done so much damage. How can people be like this?

I am not sure why I can't seem to catch a break. Why it's ok to destroy reality and, why my life means so little to so many people. It makes no sense. 

I have tried to do the things they have demanded but, it's ever shifting and, there really is no way to meet their demands.

I am so fucking sick of trying. They sent to the things they have done to me. They have put me in a position where I am so hurt and, in need of help and, then they "whisper" to me so God damn much that I rarely feel like myself anymore. I had hoped one day they would stop or, that one day people would see that I was a person too. 

There really isn't anything I can do and, nothing anyone else can do. 

I guess at least I know what people think of me now. How they see me and, feel about me. I know what I can handle and, I learned more about who I am. The whole thing is a lot weird and, it is strange that they don't worry about how people see them. I guess they believe they are perfect and, above the law and, I am nothing more than something for them to fuck with until they get bored. 

I have turned them in so many times and, to every agency I can think of, nothing has happened though. Well, things get worse, I guess that's something. 

I am happy for "Angela" who said she just wanted me to feel as ugly as a person could feel. To be a person again would be kind of nice. I could handle being the ugliest person. I never thought I was beautiful or, anything like that anyways. 

I am not sure what is so wrong with me and, why people have such a low opinion of me. Normally, it wouldn't bother me. To each their own. It isn't my business what people think about me and, I never let it bother me. With it being a non stop barage of hate filled words though and, for so long, it has taken a toll. I keep trying to remember that this isn't anything more than people wanting to get away with things that I didn't know were being done to me. 

I try to be strong and, find the good parts in all of this. Find the things that are not horrific and, keep those in mind. Sometimes it is difficult. Knowing that people have died and, being told that if I hadn't been born none of this would have had to be done or, if I had killed myself they wouldn't have attacked so many other people, that hurts badly. I feel guilty for being alive sometimes. 

I have tried to be nice and, honest (which isn't difficult anyways) but, it is clear something is so very wrong. I sit here and, listen to them ask questions about me and, it is strange to think that people might believe the things I hear. They could just ask me. Some of them are my family and, others are people from my past or, people I currently know. How difficult would it be to ask me in person or, text me. They could call but, I more than likely won't answer the phone. I almost always wait until it goes to voicemail and, text back "oh, I just missed your call!" I worked on the phones must of my life and, I don't really like talking on the phone. Just text me and, if I remember to press send, I will text you back. 

They make a big deal out of phone calls though. "Why do you call him?" No, thank you. Even if I had his number, I wouldn't call. I can't remember the last time I called my mom or, my mom called me lol. I answer for my kids though. They are almost the only people I call and, almost the only people I answer. I've been that way for a long time. 

Their obsession with cheating and, telling me how nobody wants to sleep with me all the time is weird. I would imagine being in a relationship with one of the people that talk about that all the time would be exhausting. The way things get micro analyzed is weird too. Every movement I make is pointed out. I hear "why did you.....

" A lot. Every word is broken down and, twisted around until it doesn't sound like anything that I said. It's like they need it to fit a mold in their head that may have a very large crack in it. 

I am just different than some of the people doing this. I have a difficult time understanding what they are saying or, doing sometimes. I have no way to connect with them and, it makes it very difficult to get them to understand we can all exist together. My life is in no way impeding anyone from living their best life. Not everyone sees things that way though. To some the fact that I am alive is the reason their life isn't what they wanted it to be. Funny, they spent most of their life being pissed off that I was happy or, trying to kill me, completely focused on my life and, I didn't even know of their existence. What a way to waste your life! 

It is a serious thing though. Unless I am as miserable as a thing can get, at least one of these people can not be happy. In fact, they have said they can't be happy until I am dead! Somehow, I take everything and, everyone they wanted. "They all think about her more!" That isn't something someone should know! Yet, it is one of the reasons I have to die! The solution, let's just kill her and, then nobody will think about her! What the fuck?!

John and, I were married six years. The entire time, the person that needs me to die has convinced herself that she is the woman he should be with! She still cries when/if he sleeps with someone else. She convinced herself of a lot of things which, probably wasn't hard since she fully believes she is perfect. She has strange views on things and, I don't understand her logic so, it's caused issues where there didn't need to be any. We all have different opinions and, we all expect different things in a relationship. I don't care if he has female friends. How is that even an issue? Even if they are ex's, if I live him, I trust him and, I don't think about what he might be doing. That's the fastest way to end the relationship. The truth always comes out and, I would rather enjoy my time than worry myself sick or, constantly ask or, talk about something that I don't want to happen. Keep talking about it and, being miserable for no reason and, it will happen. Just be confident and, not paranoid. 

I like being happy. I like complimenting people rather than putting them down. I was told, during this "gaslighting" that depressed men are someone's wheel house. That if you build someone up and, make them feel good about themselves, they will find someone better! Twisted. Super twisted. It makes no sense. You build your partner up, help them see themselves the way you see them. Life is full of bullshit, don't he part of what makes life harder. Be honest but, complimenting people is a good thing. Everyone has qualities that shine. 

I'm the bad guy though. I am the problem. I am so hated that some people are willing to say and, do whatever it takes to get people to do this to me. 

I AM NOT A CHILD MOLESTER.

I DID NOT KIDNAP ANYONES CHILDREN

I DID NOT STEAL ANYONES HUSBAND, BOYFRIEND OR, ANYONE ELSE

I DID NOT CAUSE ANYONE TO LOSE THEIR FAMILY OR, STOP PEOPLE FROM HELPING ANYONE ELSE

I DID NOT DO THIS TO ANYONE

The list goes on and, on. It is hard to understand why this couldn't be stopped. Especially when Angela's own mother has spoken up and, said that she has been planning something for years and, that she has been doing this to all these people for years! It makes sense that she has been doing this, how else could so many people from my past be involved? She was proud of herself though. She said that I am the only person they all connect to. Stupid. There are other things that connect this group of people. I don't believe in conincidences though.

I got to talk to a lot of people that I wouldn't have otherwise. 

I finally, after a million years having a crush on someone got to talk to them for the first time. So, that was nice. Otherwise, I sort of just started and, prayed that nobody noticed lol 

I am grateful for a lot of things. Not so grateful for others.

It would be nice to have silence or, hear a sentence that uses the normal amount of words instead of 30 words. You don't have to fill the air with words, you can be comfortable in silence. 

They make a big issue out of drugs and, I agree drugs are not the best way to cope with this. I didn't sit around and, think you know what's missing from my life? Drugs! I would love to be sober and, I know I can do it. Even though they say they want me sober, it benefits a lot of them to keep me on drugs. They use my addiction as a way to deflect the attention from them. Only when they want to cover something up though, otherwise, they love, love, love it.

The one that started all of this seriously said that she wanted people to break down her door, pull her out and, have as much media while this was done as possible. She had even planned who would play her in "the movie!" Stupid. 

Just in case there is any confusion. THERE IS OBVIOUSLY NO PERMISSION FOR PEOPLE TO OUT ME ANYWHERE WHERE I CAN BE SEEN OR, HEARD. NONE WHATSOEVER. I SHOULD NOT BE ONLINE ANYWHERE. I DO NOT POST VIDEOS OF MYSELF OR, MY CHILDREN OR, FAMILY AND, FRIENDS ANYWHERE. PERIOD. SI, IF YOU CAN SEE ME OR, HEAR ME, PLEASE FIND A EAY TO TURN THIS IN. I HAVE LOOKED BUT, THEY HAVE BLOCKED ME IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE SO, I AM STUCK.