What I Just Heard

Someone said that I would be better off not letting any of these guys into my life

Someone said they were just going to tell me their dick shrank 

I can't understand what is going on. It was all kinds of things telling me I can't trust someone. How they had their hand up someones skirt at dinner and, how do I know that I can trust that person. Are you calling my kid a liar. 

He said he told me he hates her and, someone said then tell her you hate her. Then I heard someone say that's him. 

I don't understand anything anymore and, I can't take anymore. Please stop.

I am tired of being tested. They do that all the time. They just keep testing menti find out if I feel the way I said I do.

They said someone else left a pen with a camera thing in the cart at the end of the bed and, that person was going to be arrested. That the police were coming.

I just can't understand what to believe anymore. 

Why are people sounding so happy? Now they are saying I lost someone again and, they are cheering.

"Stay with your husband!" 

Please, please stop doing this. Why can't you understand how badly you are fucking up my head?

Someone said they got sworn in just the other day. Someone else said they were supposed to be sworn in but, they didn't want to leave someone.

"Jennifer, Sophie loafy luenis never going to see her mother again!"

"Trust your husband!"

Why can't this be stopped? My head can't take anymore. Why can't people understand how bad this is? 

"Kill yourself Jennifer Butterfield!" Still saying it.

I am not going to be able to handle more of this. Nobody should be forced to live in this kind of environment where everything is designed to keep me guessing at what is real. It's too much. Please, stop 

What the fuck is going on?! Please, don't do this. It is going to take the rest of my life to be able to untangle the last five and a half years. You are destroying me.

"Trust your husband!"

"Jennifer, ...... Is going to move on right fucking now!" 

"Angela is going to be ok dokay!" 

"I don't care about Angela!"

I can't understand what the fuck is wrong with the people doing this. You have completely taken a life and, fucked it up for no reason. 

"Sophie loafy lou was the reason!" What the fuck?! They already admitted it had nothing to do with my children. 

"Focus on your kids." I wish I could focus on the and, only them like they demand. I thought it was ok to have people in my life and, to be happy with more than just my children. I thought it was ok to have other people in my family. 

"Jennifer do you even know what is going on?" NO, GOD DAMN IT AND I AM SICK OF SAYING THAT. 

I wish they would have stopped.

I am not sure exactly what I am not doing that they demand. I can only do souch and, I am sorry that I reacted the way I have. I know I was told it was my reaction that was the problem and, I have been working on that. 

I have been trying to fight the depression and, not let people hurt me, sometimes it is harder than other times.

It is stupid the things they say to me and, then they get hurt if I say anything back. I can't figure out how any of this is fucking funny though. Somewhere along the line, I missed something

I am not the worst person or, thing in the world and, nobody should be treated like this. I joke with the people that joke with me and, I guess my jokes are too harsh for some people.

What my relationship with John was and, wasn't wasn't really anyone's business. I agree that our fights were over the top. It isn't an accurate portrayal of either of us. I wish things had been a lot different. 

I don't know why they tell me that John or, anyone else is moving on. All these things that bothered someone so much are being pushed onto me as if we are the same person and, it is starting to become frustrating. 

I can't understand this group. They are, for the most part, normal, loving, funny people and, then they say things like it's our turn and, we have to do this or, we aren't allowed to let you see us or, be around you or, things like that. Why? What happens if you decide you don't want to do this? What happens if you make a decision that goes against "the rules?" Maybe I am just missing some information there too. 

I don't really understand all of this. I know I am not perfect and, there are things I can improve on but, beating me down doesn't really make me think I can do better. When I try, it is never enough and, it is getting harder and, harder to ignore. I guess that is really the worst part, it's just harder and, harder to ignore. 

We are all different. We talk different, act different, we are just different. Normally, that is a good thing. We learn from each other, the world would be a very stagnant and, boring place if we were all the same. This is taking a bigger toll than most people understand. 

I want to be me. If I say something and, it is a generalization like, I don't care because, I don't care about what is being said at the moment, how is that taken as I don't care about a person or, people or, things like that? Obviously, I care but, at some point I can't continue to care about everything they say to me. I can't continue to let myself be hurt. I try to ignore them and, I am getting a little better at it. 

It's strange to be told to stop thinking. Stop responding in any way possible. It isn't as easy sometimes to make your brain not respond. Even if I don't respond, they either use my voice (which I know people know) or, they just belittle me for not responding. It just hurts that the excuses they use to do this l, for the most part, aren't things I said or, did and, I miss my family. I miss my kids. I miss being able to talk to people and, but worth about what they may have seen or, heard. 

I miss people being happy. The stress in people's voices and, the way things are, it all makes no sense to me. Some things will never make sense and, I have to make peace with that. 

The memory loss and, the accusations are what is the worst. I have heard they have had this same result before but, I don't know what to do. I can only hope that the people who have been there for me, people who have been kind or, honest. People who worry and, make sure I am ok. I can only say thank you and, hope that they remain patient with me. It isn't easy to be told some of the things I am being told and, with no way to know if some of these things happened, only my trust in what I hear and, myself, it has torn my family apart. Left me with fear and, doubt from people I should never have had to be afraid of. 

Please, just try to be patient. I don't want to die. I want to have a life and, move past all of this.