This Fat Cow Is Worthless

 I was happy to have John come and, visit and, we had been getting along great. I should have been afraid of that, nobody can get along with me I guess this is how it had to be. 

I am never going to be able to be the woman I was. I hate the thing I am and, I have zero support. Zero people that can stand to be near me. 

I now feel like a whore. I don't know why John had sex with me, not because he loves me or, thinks I am attractive. I should have questioned the nice things he said to me. Nobody feels that way about me. I should have questioned him wanting to come and, be near me. Nobody wants to be near me. Who the fuck would think I am attractive? I am a fat cow, a joke. 

I questioned nothing. Each time we get along, I start to remember how happy we were. How much I loved him and, I get hope. That is how stupid I am. Nobody can love me. It isn't possible. Why didn't I remember that I am worthless and, that he never loved me. Not for one second. Oh, because, I am a dumb fat bitch. 

Something so disgusting that people would never want to be around me. The only way anyone can stand me is the way they torture me. I don't want to live anymore and, I am ready to give up. John was the man of my dreams and now, he just ignores me. I try to talk to him, communicate like we used to do so well but, it wasn't real back then. Just some bullshit way to reel the mark in so he could kill it. He will probably get a parade and, a medal for killing something that was just a waste of space and, air. Why pretend? I am not worth it and, I never have been.

There is nothing else that is real to me except death. I am worthless and, I have to do so people can be happy again. So my kids can have a better life. It is what is best for them. I am convinced of that now.

I am just a whore so desperate for attention that I will have sex with someone who clearly hates me and, wants me to die. Just a brief moment to maybe feel like I am a person and, that someone might care. I only felt fat and, ugly and, like I am an obligation. It was clear that I am not good enough at anything. I am tired of everything. I should never have thought I was a person.

We were getting along and, I stupidly started to think, what can we do tomorrow? A plan. With a person. We were getting along. Dumb bitch, who the fuck would want to spend another day with you? I should have thought that first. Why would someone like John Butterfield want to be around something like me/? He barely talks to me. I am the worst person to be in bed with and, can not satisfy him though he pretends which makes me feel even more worthless. I have nothing I can offer him. My body is disgusting and, I cant' thank of one reason someone would want to be around me, especially him. I used to be able to think of a lot of reasons. Now, I know the truth.

I feel bad he wasted his time on me. I am sure he could tell I am not someone worth caring about. Not a good mom. Not a good person. Nothing good about me at all. Why be here when he could be somewhere he is happy? Somewhere where people will do things for him and, nobody will bother him for help or, attention or, adventures or, love. Somewhere he can be comfortable and, not stuck with fatty fatty 2x4. I am so far beneath him that I am surprised he noticed me at all. I thought my dream came true. Dumb ass bitch. NOBODY CAN LOVE A THING LIKE YOU./ I accept that now. I should not have been so stubborn. I know now they were right and, this is my fault. I didnt deserve John and, I acted like I did. No wonder he doesn't love me. Fuck, I hope for his sake he is cheating on me. How dumb would you be to be stuck solely with something  as gross as me. 

I am an embarrassment and, nothing more. I was never a woman and, John definately should have picked the better woman. I learned a lot during this and, now I know.