Pain

There are chunks of time that I can not remember . At least once, there is almost a month missing, August 2021 - August 25, 2021. Other times, it is hours or, days. I am not sure if there is another point where it is weeks or, almost a month. I have no way of knowing and, not sure of where or, how to get help. I think my daughter is also missing some time but, I have no way to know and, I don't know who to ask. Pretty much everyone I have asked in person or, on the phone or, via text has all said the same things, they don't know anything. 

I am scared and, somehow I have to be able to have some kind of faith in myself and, find enough strength in myself to find help. I think because I have asked people and, nobody knows anything in any normal way I ask, it has made me believe that nobody is going to believe me enough to help me. I know people have been trying and, I am grateful for them. Really grateful to have been able to feel like there have been people who have tried to help me. People who have made me laugh and, helped me find the lighter side of all of this.

They ask me sometimes if i understand how serious this is and, obviously, with all i am told has happened and, losing my kids, it is serious to me. I know that, if caught, the people that have hurt me can be given the death penalty. They tell me every once in a while that if I die, they will get away with everything. It seems like they have already gotten away with everything. 

I started hearing them over two years before they tell me I was brutally attacked, raped and, abused badly in person. I heard my own family in those years and, i have been told that my own family gave their approval and, helped plan all of this. Since they tell me they don't have a clue what is going on, I am left guessing. I can only hope that is not true.

They tell me I am online and, sometimes they tell me on TV. I have heard YouTube. In all this time, I have never been able to find anything anywhere. I feel stupid and, I am starting to feel like I am going crazy. They say they all went through this same thing but, I hope that isn't true. I hope that very few, in fact I hope that nobody has ever been put through anything like this. 

I get told every single day how people are leaving me or, moving on, or they juts plain hate me. Told things they apparently say about me behind my back and, I have no understanding of why I am hated like this. People move on, life moves forward. Sometimes, you move forward in life with people, sometimes you don't. I remember how angry "Angela" was at this entire group. How she hated them all because they moved on without her. She was angry and, jealous and, didn't want to be the only single person. This has gone on for so long and, my head has been so fucked with that I am losing touch with what I know is true. Losing touch with the confidence I had about who did this to me in the very beginning and, who is doing this to me now. I get asked a lot if I know who anybody is and, the answer is always the same, not really. Each time I feel confident and, feel like i know who people are, they try to confuse me. At least, I think they do. I guess there is always the possibility that they don't lie about who they are and, they don't use each others voices. If that is the case, I am not going to ever be ok. For all I know, I convinced myself that they use each others voices to somehow protect myself. 

I am getting more and, more irritated at the fact they act like somehow one of these men can save me. Sometimes they push them onto me so hard that I end up nor liking that person. I don't understand it. It doesn't help that they sometimes act like ( know who they are. I hear them talk about how I passed them on the street or, things like that and, they sound angry or, hurt but, I can't see them and, if I met them within the last five years, I do not remember them. I wish I could remember. I get made fun of for "forgetting" but, I truly do not remember. 

I woke up August 25, 2021 and, when I went to the bathroom, I saw that my nose was broken. I have small clips of memories that do not fit together at all and, if it weren't for the help of a friend, I maybe would have always thought that a combination of sleeping pills and, alcohol made me ether hallucinate or, left me open to be terrorized a little bit as part of this thing they call a "gaslighting." 11 months after that, someone told me over and, over, for days, that I was rapred. I begged them to stop. I was in tears and, so hurt and, confused. If someone knew that had happened, why would they tell me this way and, in such a mean and, destructive way? Why wouldn't they offer support or, help or, something? January 27, 2025 someone finally told me that my nose had clearly been broken for longer that a day or, two. At the very most I thought that I had only lost that long. When I woke up after taking the sleeping pills and, saw that it clearly didn't work how I wanted it to, I did it again. I have no idea how much time there actually was between the first time and, the second time. I only know that, they would not stop and, the abuse was so bad that I was ready for it to end. 

In between the time I was attacked and, January 27th, I was told a lot of things. A lot of things I didn't believe. Someone told me they were the one that broke my nose. I was unsure that person was the actual person that did that and, I am still unsure. Some things I have no doubt happened and, some things I am still on the fence about. 

I talked to someone for a while and, I am not really sure exactly who they were. I believed their name was Matt and, I had a vision in my head of what this person looked like. That person began what I call the "lovefest" after them, I told a lot of people that I love them. I am not really the kind of person to just spout that out. I rarely tell me own mom or, grandma but, I told all of these people and, even now I keep doing it. I believe on some level I love them and, on another level, I love that they have talked to me and, been nice to me and, I am so hurt that I tell them I love them without fully thinking about it all. Sometimes, I feel 100% confident in who they are and, how I feel about them and, sometimes, I end up telling someone I love them thinking they are someone else. I feel guilty and, at times I completely hate myself for this. 

I don't really understand how the vision I have in my head when I hear one name, so far, has not matched anyone I have seen or, met. Sitting here typing this out, I realise that the person that started "lovefest" is the same vision as it is now. I don't understand. I don't know who that person is or, why their face is one of the few faces I remember. Only, I don't remember them. All the other faces I remember have a memory attached to them. Something I clearly remember seeing during this time period. Only this one doesn't. I have a hazy "memory" for lack of a better word but, I have no idea if it was something I saw in person or, if it is something that someone put there. It is the only memory I have that is like that. I am becoming increasingly afraid of that memory and, of that person.

I love someone now. Someone I hear this way. Sometimes I feel sort of foolish because, I am never lucky enough to be around him in person. I love his family, most of the time, like any family they can be frustrating and, sometimes I know it irritates him. I know they have been part of what has been done to me and, I have learned to accept that. I don't have any anger or, hatred or, anything like that towards them but, I feel that way about most of the people I hear. It's the ones that keep hurting me and, using my kids to hurt me. I do believe they are trying to do what they can to help me heal. For the most part, it isn't doing much to actually help me.  I guess I should feel foolish.

I don't really know what to do, what to think. I have no idea if there is any kind of investigation. For the most part, I have been left to interact with these people and, over time have grown to care about most of them. There are people I am told hurt my children and, I have a much harder time forgiving that. Somewhere along the line, I sort of disconnected from the things they say were done to me. I know they have happened but, it has been so long that I have been forced to listen to people telling me how much they hate me or, to kill myself that, I had to let go what happened to me. I think, because I don't remember it, it was like it wasn't me it happened to, even though, I know it was. 

I have heard a lot of things. Told it is better that I don't remember. I feel disconnected from people and, it is getting worse and, worse. I am humiliated and, embarrassed a lot of the time and, I am grateful for the people who try to minimize a lot of the things that I get picked on about. It is a difficult situation for me. I am not supposed to like these people, after all, the hurt me and, like I said, in some cases I know without a doubt they did the things I heard. Yet, I have very few people in my life and, I know they are also connected to this. I am unable to meet new people since they will do this to anyone that even looks at me and, now it is harder because people recognize me. I hear people talking about me and, I can only either assume they somehow recognize me or, are part of all of this. I was told a while ago that from now on, anyone I meet, I will wonder if they did this to me! I try not to think like that though, I try to stay positive and, hopeful. Some days are harder than others. 

I think if things were less negative and, maybe slightly more normal it might be better. If I was around more people or, able to be around my kids and, family maybe things could get better. Maybe, if I had a better understanding of why I wasn't "good enough" before or, why I am so hated and, isolated now, it would make a difference. The people I trusted the most when this started, for whatever reason, they are unable to talk to me about this. I don't try to spend a lot of time talking about this except, with John. I don't understand why, with him, there are times I will almost non stop demand information from him. I am not usually like that. I learned to be more laid back and, let life happen. I don't really understand John anymore though. I thought I knew him so well. We spent a lot of time, even though it was during a short amount of time, talking about everything. I thought I knew him really well and, for a while "Angela" would tell me she wouldn't let him come home until I could prove that I knew him "better than she did" and, I would answer all kinds of questions trying to get her to let him come home. Now, I realize they were probably making sure I remembered what I was supposed to remember. All these memories that I thought were from someone I knew so well, I am not so sure were from him at all. All these things I now know about people make it seem like I have done this to them and, that is how I know these details. 

I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DO THIS AND, I HAVE NEVER DONE THIS. I never learned how to do this. Around the third or, fourth month, I think, someone told me it wouldn't be a good idea for me to learn how to do this and, they seemed sincere so I didn't learn.

I am tired of being hurt. Tired of being blamed. Tired of people hating me. Tired of feeling guilty for things I either didn't do or, for not being "nice enough." I am so deeply hurt, I want to give up. I don't want to trust anymore. I just want to keep my head down and, try to survive the best way I can.