NO MORE PEOPLE
i give up
I can't let anyone near me ever again, not my kids, not my family, NOBODY.
ALL PEOPLE WILL DO IS USE EVERY SINGLE WORD I SAY TO KILL ME.
I used to be a person and, that guess I was a terrible person. I must have been the worst person in the world.
Now, no matter what I do, it's wrong.
I stopped using drugs but, there is just a other hoop I have to jump through. Nobody seems to want me around and, I have been told how I have no friends. My family doesn't want me around. I can't take anymore.
I am only allowed to think about my kids. As if there are no other people in the world. Focus on your kids but, I can't do that enough apparently. God forbid, I love anyone but, my kids. I have to die if I don't focus every bit of everything I me on them. I love them with all of my heart. My life began when I had my son and, when I had my daughter, I learned what it meant to have family. I learned what it meant to love more than one person. Truly love, live for them. Then, they started forcing me to hear them and, then they took them.
Now, I am not a person and, they have used my children to hurt me so badly I no longer can think about my kids without pain. Without fear.
I have lost my reasons to remain alive and, these people will not stop. My family no linger wants me. Nobody will even give me a fucking chance.
They say this was my idea because I said they could kill me if it would save my children. So, they killed me. Fuck being alive. What's the god damn point? I am afraid to fucking talk now. They didn't have to kill me. They just wanted me to be perfect. Only, I am just a person. Not perfect.
They attacked the fuck out of me. Their theory is because, I didn't kiss their ass and, I stood up for myself. I said the same things they were saying to me, I have to be punished. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING AND, I have to die so they can feel better about themselves.
They tell me even my mom wanted them to use me as their patsy. Even mom knew they were going to kill me. They say that everyone chose me to be the one they kill. I didn't do anything to anyone. Why do I have to die?
One second people care, the next they treat me like shit. All day and night, I get treated like shit then, they ask how does that feel? I don't want to live anymore, that's how I feel. I tried to be nice. I accepted that they hurt me but, I still tried to be kind. I still treated people like they were people. I get told "this is because I was nice to people!" No it is allowed to think of me as a person, if they do then I get beaten down worse. Told how to this will continue until nobody cares about me. Why?! Because, Angela T. said when I married John I took everyone from her. Every nice thing I have said, I am told came from Angela. She has used my voice and, forced me to use hers for ao long that people don't even give me a chance anymore.
I am not the person they make me appear to be. Angela T. kept demanding I give her John back. That he belonged to her. So, now I am called a homewrecker too. Everything about her they have manipulated my life to become. I am no longer myself. They even shout how my transformation is complete. I never wanted to be her. I never wanted to be anyone but me!
I feel stupid for not being able to get people to understand, I did nothing. I was just me and, it made people hate me. I am tired of losing people I love so much. Tired of feeling so worthless and, ugly. Tired of being told i needed to know how the other half lives.
Each time I love someone this is done to them and, they get hurt and, end up hating me. This time is the worst. This time is the last. I have no choice left. I thought someone actually understood how I felt. I believed they knew I wasn't the bad guy. I believed they loved me. I can't handle the pain anymore. I'm sorry, I truly love my children and, I love him too. Somehow, nothing about me is enough. I didn't do anything. They hurt me too much this time though. They hurt me, they admit to what they have done and, I still have people hating me for things I didn't do.
I am sorry. I wish I could have gotten people to see the real me. Not the me that has been so badly abused and, accused of everything under the sun. I have feelings too. I wish I could see my kids grow up. I wish i could hug them again. I wish I could have been seen as a person and, not as a monster.