Love

 I am so hurt and, I feel so fucking sick to my stomach. I clearly am the worlds biggest idiot. I had the wrong idea about what love, marriage, respect and, building a life together meant. 

I loved John and, I mean truly loved him. When we are able to talk and, communicate, even if we have differing views, it reminds me of some of the reasons I fell so in love with him. I fully believed we would be together for the rest of our lives. Watch our children grow up together, I thought, for the first time, I was with someone who was the perfect fit for my life, my children's lives, I felt like everything was the way it was meant to be.

I believed John when he told me I was the love of his life. I was flattered and, I actually believed he meant those words. Never in a million years would I have thought those words would become something that hurt me. I have never been exposed to the kind of lies and, abuse that I have been put through. To know that some of it came from the man that I had considered the man of my dreams makes me fully understand what a fucking moron I am. 

I was a happy, confident, strong woman and, mother. My kids were the best parts of my life. Hands down, they were what motivated me, kept me focused, they gave me reasons to believe in the future. They were the reasons I wanted to do better. My life started the day I had my son and, when I had my daughter, I knew that I had the best life that I would ever have. When I met John, I believed he was a good man. Now, I am told that I never loved my daughter, that these people heard my thoughts about her. Really, what were my thoughts? Go ahead and, tell me what I thought and, think about my children. I am all fucking ears! I will be the first to admit, I was 38, unemployed, had to have fertility treatments to have my son and, even though the fertility doctor told me that there was a possibility I could get pregnant on my own after having my son, DESPITE having PCOS, what the hell did he know!! My whole life, my only dream was a family of my own. Very few people know that if I went to a store and, couldn't avoid the baby section, I would cry. It was a huge shock to me, being pregnant with no treatments. In all honesty though, it was a huge shock to me to become pregnant even with fertility assistance. One treatment and, SURPRISE! Even though it took a long time for me to fully comprehend that I was actually pregnant, I took care of myself during my pregnancy. For the first time in my life, I paid attention to myself, to my body. I had gestational diabetes. No shock, I was around 300 pounds. My son was born full term and, weighed 6 lbs, 13 oz! I lost weight during my pregnancy. I did everything I could to make sure that my baby would be healthy. That was my responsibility as his mother. 

At 38, unemployed, in a marriage that had severe ups and, downs, I had a lot of concerns. I never actually believed that the doctor could be right. Seriously, what the hell did he know about me and, my specific situation and, body? Apparently a medical degree means he knows a lot! Probably being a fertility specialist and, from what I researched, one of the best in the country, I should have believed a bit more. My husband at the time, he wanted a baby. Really, with all of his heart, wanted a baby girl! He is 11 years younger than I am and, I was willing to try. Which is what I said when my husband at the time, my mom and, I went to Missouri to visit my brother and, his wife after they had their daughter. The first baby in the family. I didn't want to get to the end of my life and, realize then that I wish I had tried to have a baby. I was afraid of the disappointment and, heartbreak that so many people go through but, I was willing to try. I had friends that had babies when we were younger. Mostly, I sort of disappeared when they were babies. What n the hell do you do with a baby? While visiting my brother, I went inside my dads house, where they were, saw my niece and, went outside with my dad. I was inside less that 15 minutes. My dad asked me if I was going to see the baby, I said "I saw her and, now I am out here!" He laughed and, just said "That's my girl!" What the hell do you do with a baby? Sometimes, it is difficult to admit the pain of being around people with children when you have none and, want one so deeply. Also, what do you do with babies? lol

At first, I felt so lost after having my son. Now what? What do I do? How do I know what to do? I asked my mom for help but, she wasn't always available. Later, I asked her why she wasn't there more. She told me "You always seem like you know what you are doing!" Wow, what kid was she talking about? We made it through though and, I thrived and, so did my son. He had GERD, badly. We took him to the doctor, the medication they put him on gave him a diaper rash that bled. My dad told us to take him to a different doctor. We took him to the ER in a close by city and, after that we took him to the pediatrician at that hospital. He thrived and, the diaper rash went away. He was born January 26, 2009. April 1, 2009 my brother called and, said that my dad had been admitted to the hospital and, he needed to have emergency heart surgery. My husband rushed home and, the three of us drove to Missouri. My dad said around St. Patrick's day that his toes were turning purpleish but, he said it was just from bloating from corned beef or, something. He dismissed it. April 1st, he went to the doctor and, they told him that he needed to go to the hospital NOW. My dad was stubborn about doctors and, hospitals and, that is maybe the biggest understatement I have ever uttered. He told the doctor he would go after he went to lunch. Lunch, Chinese food, probably 3 times a week or more! Always Chinese food! The doctor told him no, wither you drive yourself there now or, and ambulance will take you there now! He was so sick, he had to wait a week to have his heart surgery! They had to stabilize him or, he would not make it through surgery! The reason I bring all this up is, while refilling my sons prescription, the pharmacist mention that his dosage seemed rather high. That's what the doctor prescribed and, it wasn't questioned again until, we went back to his doctor for a check up. 

Before I continue, I would like to say, his doctor is an amazing doctor. We never once felt that she gave our son anything but, the best care and, after this incident, we continued to take him to her. Even after this, we did not ever, not once question her capability to give her patients the best care that could be provided. 

The appointment went well and, she left the room to do whatever it is they do. Minutes ticked away and, it became apparent that she must have had some kind of emergency because, we weren't sure she was coming back! When she did, it was just as clear the emergency had something to do with us. She had overdosed my son and, it was by a substantial amount. After getting blood work done, we were blessed to still have a healthy baby! 

Looking back now, there are a lot of things that, on their own can be written off. Together, they can not. 

My dad's heart surgeon, the best in the area, the day old the surgery went to explain the surgery. He took a marker and, began to draw our, on my dad, what exactly was going to be done. Except, he was drawing out kidney surgery. He was supposed to have a pacemaker put in and, that did not happen. After his surgery, my uncle and, I went into the surgeons office and, talked to him about the surgery, how it went, ect. I could be mistaken but, there was no reason the doctor gave for not putting a pacemaker in. It simply just wasn't done. My uncle was an EMT, if there was an issue, he would have picked up on it. This was his older brother, someone he admired and, loved. He would have picked up on it. June 12, 2009 my brother called again, he said that my dad had collapsed in the garage and, my sister in law gave him CPR until the ambulance came. where they lived was very rural and, I knew instantly he was gone. I told my husband "I don't feel him anymore." At 9pm PST, 11pm CST my brother called again and, said my dad didn't make it. To this date, that is the single most horrific moment of my life. My dad was one day shy of his 52nd birthday. We flew to Missouri and, when we went to the funeral home, I made the person we were speaking to show me my dad. I didn't give a shit what they said, they were going to prove to me that my dad was there and, gone. I had to see him. Period. Luckily, they didn't really argue with me. They didn't advise it but, they did what I asked. 

I can't remember if it was at the funeral or, in the preceding days that I learned the death certificate said he passed away on June 13th, his birthday. It took an hour to pronounce him and, get the information together? That seemed excessive but, I didn't question it. I loved my dad and, he loved us. No question about it. I am not sure that anyone who didn't know him could ever be able to understand the amount of love my dad had for his family but, his children, we were always his priority. We knew he loved us and, that was that. I am grateful that one of my other brothers married a woman who had a 4 year old child. If it wasn't for that, I would never had understood that, once he had grandchildren, we were second class citizens! In all reality, that wasn't even the same man that raised us! He had more patience, worried way less, laughed a lot more. He was a grandpa now and, he was exactly where he was meant to be. I would never have believed that all the jokes and, things like that about what happens when you become a grandparent were true but, they are! It was almost like he had changed from a caterpillar to a butterfly (someone else's words but, a perfect fit!) Grandchildren, your reward for letting your kids become adults that are able to bring you grandchildren! All of the fun, little responsibility. I don't know if that is true though, I don't have grandchildren yet but, rest assured when I do I promise to have the Christmas sized Hershey bars all year long. Oh, your parents are here? Make sure to take this with you, we love you! lol I have it all planned out! Also, every single loud toy that is made will be inside of my own children's home! I do not what my grandchildren to want for anything that makes noise! I can hear my son now "take the batteries out!" Silly boy, no batteries! I want to make sure they can always hear the joyful and, fun toy! My daughter, she will probably be like me and, her husband will come home and say "Are you singing the song from that toy over there?!" My dad, he would have had those toys in his own home too. Weirdo! lol

Over the years, there are a lot of things that make no sense on their own, a lot. I lived a sheltered life and, I had no clue that anything like this was actively used on private citizens by, private citizens. The things that can and, are being done using this technology, this is wrong. Dangerous. Nobody should have this kind of power over anyone else. PERIOD. To use this technology for evil when, there are good things that can be done, this is so sad to me that it is being used the way it is in this situation. 

I miss feeling like a person. Like I belong somewhere in this world. For whatever reason, I don't know why people keep writing me off but, since they ask all the fucking time "how does that does that feel?" I am so hurt that, I don't know what to do. I feel like something is wrong with me and, that I am not anything that anyone can seriously care about. I am sorry if that makes people angry. I am not sure what I did. I am very, very sorry for whatever it was, I promise I wont ever do it again. Please, just tell me what I did to make everyone I care about hate me. PLEASE. I promise, I wont do it again. Please, what did I do?

I an afraid to keep caring about people. They end up hating me if I care about them and, I can'[t handle this anymore. I am so uncertain about myself anymore. So afraid that something about me is making people I care about hate me. It wasn't enough that they TORTURED me? Somehow, me being tortured made people not want to be in my life. I hear someone, every day saying that they tortured me so bad but, I have no way of knowing if anyone else is able to hear that person. I don't even truly know if that person is a real person or, a recording or, what. 

I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to be punished anymore. I don't want to lose anymore people I care about. I get it, nobody could ever love something like "that" and, that is all I am and, probably all I will ever be, I have nothing left in me or, about me that deserves to be with people. I am told over and, over to "trust my husband" and, he is going to kill me. I have no doubt about that now. Not even the tiniest bit of doubt. It's all just drama to most people. I deserved to be tortured. Isolated. Hurt. I deserved to have all the people I care so much about hate me. I hate myself. I literally have lost '

'I have done nothing and, I lost everyone and everything. I regret being myself, I hate myself so fucking much that, I can't even think anymore. I hate myself for every reason that all of these people hate me and, then some. Why waste time liking something like this? Something so hatted. Something so worthless. Something so unwanted. Something so easy to "walk away from" without ever being around in the first fucking place. That is how worthless and, stupid and, unwanted I am. I will always remember to hate myself.I am not worth talking to in person. Not worth believing. Something is so wrong with me that I don't even get a fucking chance. Just bypassed without meeting. That is how worthless I fucking am. 

I don't have feelings. Who gives a fuck how badly I am hurt. I do nothing but hurt others and, this is my punishment/ There is nothing good about me and, there never has been. Why would I believe that there ever will be anything worth caring about in me? Look at how John treats me and, he said I was the love of his life. Why would anyone else give a fuck? Why should I give a fuck about myself? Like Angela just told me 15 minutes ago "You cant even take care of yourself!' so why bother trying anymore? It is clear I am only going to be hurt more. Only going to be hated more. My life has done nothing but, cause pain. I do not want to cause pain. I do not like people hurting. I am clearly the fucking problem. I am a piece of fucking shit. Nothing more than that. 

Nothing about me is worth making these people stop abusing me. "Stop abusing yourself!" What the fuck does that fucking mean? How the fuck am I abusing myself? I hate everything about life. I used to think life was precious. Important. It isn't. It can be demolished at any moment and, your own fucked family will blame you. 

I am sick of being hurt. Sick of being abused and, told I abused myself.

I am done being tortured. Done being hurt. Done being abused. Done being lied to. Done being told I was raped and, then that I wasn't. Done being told I abused people or, that I am a child molester. Tired of being told to trust a man that has hurt me and, altered my reality so God damn badly that I am not sure survival is possible. I will never, ever, not even in person be able to believe something as fucking simple as someones God damn name without fucking proof. It's ok though because, I deserved to have this done to me. It's ok though because, this wasn't abuse. It's ok though because, they had to teach me a lesson. It's ok though because, I did this to myself. It's ok thought because, it's not them torturing me that is the problem, it's how I react. It's ok though because, I am a drug addict. It's ok though because, I somehow stole Angela's pretend boyfriend or, a million other excuses that are completely my fucking fault. 

In the end, I let John Butterfield come back so, it's all my fault. I am sorry that I ever loved the person I was. Sorry that I can't seem to get people to really understand, I can not take anymore. I am giving up. What's the point? I keep trying and, everything I do is wrong.Everything I say is wrong. Everything I believe is wrong. Everything about me is wrong and, that is why people hate me. That is why it was ok to torture me to death. I have no value. Everything I believed about myself, about other people about the world, EVERYTHING WAS WRONG. That is how fucking stupid I am. There isn't a single thing in the universe that I was right about. 

I should have given up my life a long ass time ago. After all I "wasn't supposed to survive anyways!" Why keep trying. "Why do this if she (Jennifer Butterfield) survives?" At least nobody will ever hurt me again. Jennifer Butterfield will never be hurt again. Jennifer Butterfield will never be lied to again. Jennifer Butterfield will never be abused again. Jennifer Butterfield will never be blamed again. 

They all had to know. There is no fucking way that these people didn't know just how bad they have been abusing me. I just am not worth giving a fucking shit about. Jesus Fucking Christ, look how I treat people! If it wasn't for John, who apparently is such a loving and, supportive husband and, not so abusive and, in such a way that not only does his wife have no idea what the fuck to believe but, everyone keeps blaming her. SO, at this point, there is nothing left and, death is the only solution. After all, according to Tracy, killing myself is the only way to get away from the abusers. Nobody gave a shit about that either. I am done trying. I feel so fucking stupid for caring about people. I needed people around me. Support. I wasn't worth that either though. Now, it's too fucking late/ NOBODY WILL EVER BE ABLE TO CONVINCE ME THEY CARE ABOUT ME. Don't ever waste your fucking time trying to convince me that a human being could love me. That will never, ever fucking happen again. Even I am not that fucking stupid. 

I am sick of hearing about some fucking kiss that I highly doubt happened in the first God damn place. Sick of people who don't want anything to do with me in person pretending to fucking care. I know that people can't care about this thing. People care about people and, I am not a fucking person. Just a that.

I don't even want to care about people anymore. Why fucking bother? So they can avoid me like I have the plague? So they can hurt me more? So they can lie to me more? I just don't want to be bothered by life anymore. Just like people didn't want to be bothered by talking to me in person. People didn't want to be bothered helping something who was so hurt they have little to no memory of a lot of events. It was much better to just keep killing people and, demanding that I say I wasn't raped. Stupid. I am not the one that brings that up, EVER. I can understand it is easier to mock me for the things that have been done to me. Easier to isolate me until I am so desperate for human interaction I let the worst man I have ever known back into my life. I am so disgusting even my own brother has been trying to kill me, at least that is what I am told. I have no way of knowing if anything I have heard is real or, if it is all fake. No biggie, things don't need reality, they only need to be destroyed and, that is what you have done. Congratulations.

It's nothing new to this group of people. They kill people all the fucking time. They have even had other people with memory loss! It's just how the "plan" works. Don't fuck with what works. After all, nothing matters except Angela getting what Angela wants. I don't know Angela but, she does sound more like a psycho, LIKE SHE SAID SHE WAS and, not the spoiled cunt that people believe she is. On the plus fucking side, I won't be here anymore so nobody will think about me more than her which bothered her. 

"If Jennifer Butterfield hadn't been born, this wouldn't have had to be done!:" It's Jennifer Butterfield's fault that people talked to her and, not to Angela. In fact, every fucking problem in Angela's life can be solved with Jennifer Butterfield's death. I am told to trust my husband and, he tells me that if there had been no Jennifer there would have been no John in prison. If I had killed myself sooner they wouldn't have had to torture and kill more people. People died because something with no value that, everyone hates wanted to live. My life has nothing left in it. Jennifer Butterfield wasn't worth talking to, just at. JEnnifer Butterfield wasn't worth caring about, just pretending. After all, nobody had to be around her so, its not like it mattered. Nobody could give two fucks, as long as they don't have to be near Jennifer Butterfield.

NOBODY WILL EVER HAVE TI BE AROUND JENNIFER BUTTERFIELD AGAIN, not that they were ever around her in the first place.

Your group is disgusting and, I no longer give a shit about anyone. Now, I am just like all of yo