I Don't Hate My Mom, I Hate What You Have Done To Her

 At least that is what I am hoping is true.

I tried like hell to do everything that I felt like I didn't have when I was a kid for my kids. 

These people have demolished my fucking life. They use my kids to hurt me so badly that I want to die. I feel like a complete failure.

I keep begging for help but, nobody can talk to me about all of this and, most people so not want to be around me. I am so unhappy that life has no meaning at fucking all. There is no happiness. No family. No people to share anything with. Just. Group of people that have beaten me down so badly that I am having a hard time caring about anything or anyone. 

In a normal life, you are allowed to have happiness. I had my kids and, we did so much together. I thought I had found the best parts of life. I had gotten stronger mentally and, I was getting ready to go back to school and, looking for a job. 

I met John and, I thought that together we would be able to overcome anything and, that we were building a future together. Then, all hell broke loose.

They actually told me I wasn't allowed to look like I had my shit together. They have manipulated my life and, the lives of a lot of other people so they can get away with doing this for years.

I can't stand to be alive anymore now. I am not allowed to be around people. They beat me down 24/7 and, their is no relief. I am not a person anymore, just some thing that can't do anything right. When they leave me the final ck alone, I manage to do a little better but, it's too late now.

All these guys act like them being in my fucking life is so perfect. I so not believe and, probably will never believe again, that they care. People who care want to be around people they care about. They want to see people they care about happy, not ao miserable all they want o do is die. Who gives a shit? Very few people.

I am so sick of hearing me daughters name that it almost makes me sick now. They don't give a fuck though. I have begged for them to stop. Somehow it's all my fault. 

Just now, either my grandma just died or, my daughter is throwing up blood. I have no way of knowing what the fuck is actually going on and, again there is nobody I can ask so, I sit here unsure of what to do.

Every couple of days, unless there is a need for distraction, there is some extreme trauma that needs my immediate attention that may or, may not be real. This has happened wouldn't many times that, I just don't care anymore. There is nothing I can do from where I am at. I can't get any help and, nobody will talk to me about any of this. They cram my daughters name down my throat so badly that I can no longer handle this shit. Over the last three days or so it has been well over 1000 times a day they have said her name. I keep being fucking blamed for shit I have zero control over and, everyone hates me all the fucking time. 

I am sick of hearing how my daughter "needs" a grown ass man in her life. I get it, everyone hates me and all they want is to be around my daughter. Nobody gives a flying fuck about me or, what I may need to get back to my children. It's all everyone hates me but, all these grown ass men are going to use me to get either to my child or, to get out of trouble.

I am never going to be able to get my life back. I am so miserable I am nothing more than a piece of shit that everyone hates and, wants to die. I have never felt so fucking bad about myself or, about life in general. I am nothing more than a way for people to get to my child. Every day I am told this. Since nobody wants to be around me and, I sit here alone because, "I am not a person Worth being around!" I can only assume that it is true, nobody wants to be around me. 

Every day, along the same lines, "nobody wants to sleep with me!" As if that is the only thing in life or, I even fucking care.