I Can't Handle Anymore
I am sorry. I don't understand what the fuck is going on. When I ask people in a way that is normal, on the phone, in person, even text people don't know what is going on. A few people have said something about this and, when I have gone back to them, they don't know anything. One person gave me a piece of a text message that proved people were talking about something that happened between John and, I in our car. I appreciated that at least I knew people were talking about something that happened but, I couldn't tell if it was because John had said something and, I wasn't sure what to dic with it.
After all this time, after being lied to in ways that have forced me to try to trust voices of people I can't see, which is called fear based torture, I feel like I am going crazy.
I can't go to my mom. John clearly is not at all someone I can trust. I can't understand what the fuck is going on and, I am scared. I tell John I am scared and, he acts like I am making shit up!
The stress is too much. I am sick of being manipulated so it seems like I am nothing like the person that I truly am.
They keep telling me things that I have no memory of. I can't deal with all of this. I wish that I could. Its been too long and, I have heard so many terrible things with little to no support for any of this in person. I have no way of knowing if what I have heard is true.
The life I knew has been completely destroyed. I can't understand what the fuck they are even talking about most of the time. They keep using my daughter as an excuse to do this. They keep telling me I should have told the truth. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
How can all of these things have happened and, nobody could do anything but, hurt more people? Nothing makes sense. The people I hear, most of the time they don't make much sense either?
What the fuck does any of this have to do with drugs? Seriously? How can anyone blame me being on drugs for the things that have been done?! I started hearing this bullshit pretty much non stop over two years BEFORE they say I was physically hurt. Why
didn't anyone do or, say something so that didn't happen? How do I find help when my own mom won't talk to me about all of this? I am not sure she believes me.
I am sick of hearing John did the best he could with what he had to work with. What the fuck does that mean? Sick of hearing that I hurt my children or, any child. Sick of hearing that I shouldn't have fought with John Sick of hearing how I should kill myself. Sick of it all. This is sick. Very, very sick.
Over five years of being told to kill myself. Over five years of soul crushing verbal abuse and, there is no relief in sight. I can't understand what I did that has made people hate me so fucking much. It must have been horrible though.
I don't even know where my daughter is. John said she was at his mom's. He said he asked for a video chat and, all kinds of things. Now, I am being told she is still at my mom's.
I can't take any more. I am sure this is funny to some people. I don't know why or, how to deal with all of this. I have no way of knowing if anything these sick fucks tell me is true. Nobody I can ask for help. I am constantly worrying about what may or, mat not be real. I am getting more and, more anxious and, I do not like the way I feel. I hate the way I feel about myself. I can't stand any of this anymore.
There is nothing I will be able to do to make this stop. For whatever reason, they just keep getting worse. It makes no sense
I took care of things that I could. Got a long just fine with John. Tried to be myself and, find happiness through depression so crippling that I don't want to get out of bed most of the time. It makes no difference what I do, I will still be told to kill myself.
"What do you think of me now?!" What the fuck? Does it really matter? I am sick of people. Sick of people asking me or, telling me fucked up things or, things that are abusive and, make no sense. Sick of begging for help. Sick of talking to John and, I mean talking to him about anything at all. Each time we get along, it only seems to make people angrier and, when he talks he says things that make me so nervous. When I ask him why he said that, it only makes him angry.
I am sorry that I wasn't stronger. I am sorry that somehow, every fight John and, I have ever had is completely my fucking fault. I am sorry that he lies to me about things that I was part of and, tries to convince me that I am wrong. I don't want to die. I know they want me to die and, I have been told they NEED ME TO DIE! I don't want to die. I am at the worst point in life, I dont think people can understand just how bad this really is. I am not able to live and, I am not dead. My life is being manipulated and, controlled so that people believe I am someone and, something I am not and, I am sick of it all.
I am tired of hearing how these people used to care and, how they used to hurt me. Which is it? I cared about them. They will do this to people I talk to so it makes meeting new people difficult plus, they talk so much shit about me and, spread so many lies that I am a little afraid. It's been over five years and, I have had these people in my life that entire time. Sometimes they are the only people there for me. I don't know a big chunk of them in person. Some of them are people I used to know, years ago but, I don't know them anymore. I didn't keep in contact with them. Some of them, I never knew. This whole thing is sick. I can't understand why people aren't able to talk in person. What is the issue? It is clear you are part of my life. Nothing makes sense anymore.