I Am Not Real

In the end, that is what the people I hear sound like they believe.

I don't talk or, think for myself. I couldn't possibly understand people and, actually listen when they talk. It has taken me, in some cases, years to understand what person connects with, what name and, connects with what words. I cared about people and, felt like they were sharing things about themselves, it was important to know who they were.

I guess that probably isn't how I should handle this. I am told all but, one person hurt me and, that everyone tortured me. That could be true. Five years ago, I was told this group was specially selected. I figured out why one person said that and, how it fit but, the others and, why they were selected, that is where there is a lot of pain attached.

I heard that Angela told people that this was being done to informing them she had figured out who was doing this to them. It seems like that is too far fetched and, incredibly psychotic. Angela figured out that I had been doing this! Like so many other things Angela figured out I was doing. Of course, like all of it, Angela is not me, I am not her and, I do not know how to use this technology and, I would not do something like this. I would not ever be so manipulative and, dramatic. I wouldn't seek out people that have been in one way or, another in the life of anither person in the hopes of removing all humans, live, affection, friendship, ect. from someone. I know there was a big deal about men and, marriage but, I am pretty sure removing the reasons I loved life and, removing what is most important to me was her goal. 

She has been very clear she has been trying to kill me for a very long time and, she is thrilled that it finally wirked. I know she has been telling people for years, in person, that she already killed me. She was sure her life would become everything she wanted, I just had to die. I am the reason she wasn't happy. I am the reason people didn't like her or, whatever she thought. Every problem in her life can be solved by my death. She needs me to be humiliated. She needs me to feel worthless and, pathetic. It feeds something in her. 

I have tried very hard to listen to what people were saying when they were not trying to smash me into the ground. There are times when people just talk, laugh, share memories. Times when, even though you are supposed to be being tortured to death, humanity shines through and, you can connect with the actual person and, not someone abusing you. I know that it is difficult to understand but, not every voice or, person tortured me. Advice is not abuse. Telling someone something that hurts their feelings is not abuse. Telling me if I don't stop you, you will make sure both of my children kill themselves before they are 18, torture. I tried to meet their demands. Some of the demand like, kill yourself which is in Angela's Christmas and, birthday list every year weren't one I was willing to do. I get told because, I didn't stop using, it is my fault my children have been hurt. I didn't kill myself so, they had to do this to others, killing some people, so people would blame me and, hate me for not killing myself sooner.

I have huge questions about things that have been done to me and, others and, how and, why nobody could step up and, say this is what it all is. By the time a few people tried, there were so many issues that, it became too late. 

One person I would never have run from, I would have been excited to meet, I ran from. Later finding out some of the things that person did that hurt me. I didn't know that then though so, why run? I am able to justify it in my head but, there is this little thread that sticks out. Just a little blip in the pattern that makes me question the events. It is the same for the other people I may have had the opportunity to talk to, something is off. 

One person, I was told drive away in their truck and, came and, left several times. I am still unclear about who it was though. They used at least three different names. I am told so many people hurt me and, they use so many voices, I am not confident talking to people anymore. I don't like the thought of agreeing to meet one person and, it's someone else. I can't handle that. It frightens me just thinking about it. It's too easy for someone who wants me to die to be called someone else. It sounds crazy but, there is no way for me to know, every voice has told me to kill myself or, called me a liar or, hates me. 

I am done trying, since according to them I didn't try anyways. I am blamed for so much shit I didn't do or, say. I am lied to so much that, I still done fully understand what is going on. I will never believe there is any kind of hope that thereifht be an investigation. All I know is they have fucked my head up so badly and, hurt me so badly that, I have nothing left. I beg for help and, just get laughed at. Apparently, the way this all stops and, I am told this was Johns idea, they just abuse me to death and, "it all goes away!" 

I was told not to let John come back in any way. I did anyways and, that was the worst thing I could do. I am sick of being blamed for so many things. How was it the best idea to leave someone in a situation where they can't figure out what is going on and, why the abuse won't stop. One minute things seem like people unduand, care, the next it's pure hatred. I was left to try to figure out who was who and, with nobody I could go to for help. I got told that John told me things he didn't and, people stopped believing me and, started calling me a liar all the time. 

I am done with all of this. "John Butterfield didn't do anything to you!" My head is so fucked with and, I guess people don't get it. I CANT TAKE ANYMORE. STIL FUCKING WITH MY HEAD. They didn't though. Now, even more people hate me and, I do not want to think about how people I care about, trust and, love hate me so much. This is where I have to make this stop. I am sorry that the best idea was to continue to fuck with my reality and, leave me begging for help. To keep people away from me and, not let me be able to meet people or, make new friends. I can't take anymore. In person, I get lied to forcing me to lesrnt o trust and, care about people I can't see only to be told, after learning to care about them, terrible things they did to me. I was told they were teaching me that I cant trust my choices in men! That they need to make my decisions for me. 

Fuck people. Go ahead and, fucking hate me. Go ahead and, year me apart in every way possible. Rip me apart during sex. Take everything that I held close and, use it to hurt me. 

John, who has never heard voices and, diesnt have a clue who is hurting me or, how simply barfs everything I have said about myself out of his mouth claiming it's how he feels. He has made me question what I know is true. He says things, blamed them in me, tells me he never said them in the first place. 

My life isn't worth living anymore. These people forced my children to watch and, listen to their mother be murdered and, then they fucking blame me! I can't handle the pain anymore.