Words and Phrases
They keep repeating the cruelest, most vile things. Over and, over and, somehow, as always, it's my fault! A lot of these things were said to me from the very beginning.
How does that feel? (Always after something painful or, humiliating
Like they are running it in!)
What do you think about me now?
You did this to yourself!
He used to! (As if there was someone who did care about me or, might have helped me bui, I somehow did everything humanly possible to push them away. Who in their right FUCKING mind would push people away on purpose when, without help I am going to die? I am sorry that I couldn't just be friends with people. For whatever reason nobody believes that is something I can do!)
Get yourself some therapy! (Apparently, John told Angela Tracjveski if she wanted to remain friends with him, she had to get therapy! That pissed her off and, like everything else that makes her mad, it's my fault and, I have to be punished for it!)
Howndoesnitnfeel to be wrong? (I admit when I am wrong. I don't have a problem being wrong we are all wrong at some point anyways. I don't understand what the fuck is going on)
Bet you wish you did it my way! Or Are you ready to do it my way?! (Why doesn't anyone talk to me in person and, ask me these things? Voices from the air without a face to be able to put to the voice/name. They make all these demands but, refuse to treat me like I was a person)
Focus on your children. Put your child kdren before your own problems. (I have tried so hard to do just that but, there are so many things going on in the background that I am failing. I can't just give these people a free pass to kill me and, put all of this in the back burner. I have tried to remain the person I was, put my kids before everything but, they are killing me and, they use my kids as one of their many excuses as to why I don't deserve to be alive! Then, they tell me that I blame my own children! THIS IS NOT ANY CHILDS FAULT. THEY ARE CHILDREN. GIRWN ASS ADULTS DECIDED THAT I WAS ABNORMAL AND, NOT WORTH LETTING LIVE. THEY DECIDED THAT MY LIFE WAS A JOKE AND, THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO. THEY TWUST AND, MANIPULATE EVEY SINGLE THING I SAY AND, DO. IF THEY CANT DO THAT THEN, THEY USE MY VOICE AND, I CANT GET PEOPLE TO TALK TO ME. unfortunately for me, I can't find it in my heart to hate people. I can't be like they are. I just keep trying to understand and, be nice. I hate myself for not being able to be everything they demand. I keep hearing that it is my fault they couldn't be stopped and, that I have to do something to tlstop them. I feel like a failure. They keep beating me down and, ripping everything about me apart and, I can not keep trying)
You were raped/You weren't raped! (Since I don't remember and, they know that, they can say anything they want. They can accuse me of anything they want.)
Get off drugs/keep your nose clean (then, each time I try they treat me even worse. I have the hear how my anger is because I am getting off drugs and, not because of the horrific way they have been treating me. There will never be anything I can do to make them stop. They have already made sure I know this will be how things are until I am dead and, in the ground!)/ I feel guilty because, people are dying and, I can't do anything good enough to get them to stop. I feel like this is my fault and, if I am gone then they will stop hurting and, killing people. It's the only thing I can do!)
Do you even care about your daughter! (Why the fuck would anyone ask that?! Of course I care about my children!)
Do something for someone else once in a while!
Tell the truth (I have been but, it makes no difference)
It's not just your face or, it's not just your face that tortures people. (I get it. I am ugly. I am already humiliated because I have PCOS and, the resulting side effects have made people tell me I am a man and, how my face is so atypical. How I am too hairy to be attractive. I am aware of how I look. I regret ever believing that it was something that people wouldnt be so hateful towards.)
You're not wrong (I said that maybe twice five years ago but, I am told I say it all the time. Again, tndies no good to try to defend myself, people will believe whatever they decide to believe)
Go ahead and blame ........... (Does it occur to anyone that I can't see any of these people and, they change their voices so fucking much that there is no way for me to know anything unless they tell me! Why am I being punished for what they tell me? I keep telling you how I am confused. That only causes people to tell me even more things. Then, they use the little bit of things that help me diffenciate people to make me appear that I am not confused. The thing is, I tell people what I am confused about when it is confusing me. After over five years of listening to all of this I was bound to figure some things out. Why does it matter how or, why I am confused? THE THING THAT CONFUSES ME THE MIST IS I HAVE DINE NOTHING BUT, BE VICTIMIZED BY PEOPLE WHO TELL ME TO KILL MYSELF EVERY DAY. PEOPLE WHO ISE MY VOICE TO HURT AND, KILL OTHER PEOPLE AND, THEY COULDNT HE STOPPED UNTILL I DIE? GOW EXACTLY DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL. I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DO THIS YET, MY STEP-DAD IS TELLING SOMEONE TO CALL THE POLICE BEFORE I ESCAPE OROSOCUTION GIR DOING THIS TO SOMEONE! There is no longer anything I will ever be able to do. I am sorry people believe I am so horrible and, abusive. I can't take anymore. I couldn't even get anyone to talk to me, nobody has ever come and, asked for evidence or, talked to me about this at all. I have been kept isolated and, afraid to meet people because, they will do this to anyone and, everyone. To people passing by the building, people I look at or, say hi to. There is nothing I will ever be able to do. Nobody wants to be near me. They ask me to do things or, go places this way but, any time I have ever agreed, it has been a lie. I should have understood that trying wasn't going to work when John told me I would never get my kids back if I kept telling people I was hearing voices. Even he has tried to get me arrested telling my brother to call the police because I am hearing voices of people who aren't here. At the same time, I have been punished severely for not taking him back and, told so many times to "stay with your husband, he is the only one you have left!" that I am at a loss as to what to do! He has even told me that nobody will ever show up for me. Pointed out how nobody is ever healed for me. "You don't see anyone else here to celebrate your birthday do you?" Things like that until my head is so fucked up that I know there isn't anyone who could ever understand what they have done to me. All I needed was people to talk to me in person. People to prove that they were real and, not just a voice. Only one person did that and, when I went back to them for help, they didn't know anything and, couldn't help me. Only one person told me who they were each time they talked to me and, I am grateful for them and, the time they spent talking to me even though I was never able to meet them