This Is Sick

 They blame my children then, tell me it is my fault.

John talks shit about people and, if I don't listen I am fucked and, if I do listen, I am fucked.

THEY HOPE IT HURTS. All the damn time. I try to help my kids and, others but, it is better to beat me down until I can barely process anything then, tell me how you didn't count in me anyways. 

I am sorry. I know that am not allowed to say anything about myself and, I apologize for using I all the time and, talking about myself.

Everyone, it seems like and, sounds like has given up on me. I have given up on myself.

I swear to God, I didn't blame anyone but, they sure as fuck are blaming me. 

Nothing I ever do is going to be good enough. EVER. I can't deal with this anymore. I can't understand anything. I rarely know who is talking to me. I hear someone say they care then, make fun of me. I am told I cost my daughter someone so she hates m now. I try to talk to her to make sure she is ok but, they are usually busy and, I am not allowed to talk to her since I am on drugs. At least that is what i am told. 

I have no family. From what I can tell, everyone write me off. I miss my kids. I have lost so many people and, I know they refuse to stop doing anything and, everything possible to make sure I have nobody and, that has made me not even try anymore.

Talking to John, all he does is repeat my words back to me so, fuck him. I get beaten down so badly I have a hard time leaving the apartment now, especially after last night. I am sorry, I didn't believe this was my fault but, even my mom has been blaming me. I so to people abusing the ever living hell out of me in a kind or, respectful way so, I deserve what I get.

I feel so lost and, to be written off by my family the way they keep saying has done so much damage. Nothing makes sense. 

Fuck it. I am the problem. I am the bad guy. I am done talking to  people. I don't understand one minute "trust your husband, he is all that you have" then, more problems.

Hundreds of times a day "you most this person." I CAN NOT BELIEVE WHAT I HEAR, THEY MADE THAT BEYOND CLEAR AND, I AM NO LONGER ABLE TO LET PEOPLE INTO MY LIFE. I INLY DESTROY THEIR LIVES. I HAVE NOTHING WORTH ANYTHING IN ME AND, EACH TIME THEY TELL ME TO KILL MYSELF, IT SEEMS LINE A BETTER AND, BETTER IDEA. AFTER ALL, THEY AREN'T ABUSING ME, JUST TELLING ME THE TRUTH AND, I CAN'T DO OR, SAY ANYTHING RIGHT.

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT JUST HAPPENED. I DO NOT KNOW WHO WAS JUST TALKING. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. I AM SORRY. I KNOW I AM STUPID. I AM TELLING YOU THE TRUTH THOUGH. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID OR, WHAT IS GOING ON. PLEASE DON'T KILL ME. PLEASE DON'T HURT ME OR, MY KIDS. PLEASE I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING. IM SORRY. PLEASE DONT HIRT US ANYMORE.

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