Stalkers

I know that this seems to be difficult to grasp but, all I want to do is sleep. Sleep. Sleep and, sleep.

I don't understand why they are so negative. Why people don't see or, hear this as the horrific abuse that it is.

Right now it is a non stop verbal assault and, it's depressing? "Trust your husband!" "Where's your son?!" "John's been cheating on you for years?" "Where's your toilet paper??" "Your sons dad is in the hospital!"or, he passed away!" "Don't you know what is going on with your children?!" "Everybody hates you!" "I wish you knew!" "I don't think you understand?" Then, they will go on about how it isn't just my face or, how I am too fat. It's just constant. After all this time, it has rubbed my nerves raw? 

I do not trust anyone very easily anymore and, after everything I have learned about "my husband" and, the things he has chosen to do to me, I do not trust him. Yet, I can't seem to get completely away from him. I keep thinking, although not anymore, that one day he is going to be honest with me! I know how foolish that is. He is never going to tell me what the heck is going on. He still pretends he can't hear any of this!

I have tried to tell him about not being able to remember large chunks of time. He doesn't give a crap. He just tells me he isn't a therapist and, blows me off! What the hell is that?

I have caught him cheating on me, he still denies that too! Some of the things he has said and, done since he came back from prison, it's all too much. I thought he came back in August 2022. When I think back, we got married November 2019,l. I started hearing Angela Tracjveski January 2020 pretty much non stop. I hear her off and, on before that. People keep telling me it wasn't her or, it wasn't only her. I know it was her and, I don't know exactly howant people they are blaming but, in the beginning it was most definitely her. I tried to tell John and, his mom it was her but, they refused to believe me. They just kept telling me that she would never and, crapola like that! 

John and, his mother for sure, set me up so badly and, they keep doing it. It is very, very clear they are a huge part of this, why would I trust him? I wish I could be rid of him permanently. It is difficult because, so many other people have written me off and, I am afraid and, then I start to feel guilty, like maybe it is my fault that they refuse to stop. If I could just do something the way they approve, if I could just do something that proves I am still a person, if I could just............. Plus, they keep telling me he is all I have and, even though I believe that less and, less, without people in my life, it is difficult.

I am sick of hearing how hated I am. Sick of hearing how nobody wants me. I get it. I am unwanted. I am too fat, too hairy, too smelly, too stupid, too much of every bad thing in the world! However, this isn't abusing the fuck out of me, it's "just telling me the truth!"

I am so depressed that I don't know what to do. Any time I find a tiny bit of happiness, I get punished for it.

I hate it when they tell me that they think I don't understand. NO KIDDING! I can't understand any of this. Now, what will happen next is because, I have said something about how I feel, they will make sure I am aware of how stupid my feelings are and, they will make sure I know just how much worse it can get.

They use so many voices, I am always uncertain of what people believe about me or, if there are people who still may believe in me. I am so hurt that I want to give up. Desperately want to give up. I don't want to die though. 

It isn't right. They keep me hurt, confused about who people are and, how they feel. I can't get anyone to openly talk to me about all of this.

After all of this tike and, with nobody willing to be around me except a few people (and, I am not feeling super safe around them anymore because they keep using them to hurt me) reality is a losing battle. I still have a hard time believing that some of the people they say they are, are actually who they are.

I have been told so many times that everyone is walking away from me that I am having a hard time believing that people are actually there for me. I just can't be the person they demand.

"I HOPE IT HURT!!!?" yes, thank you, I am on the verge of suicide because, they have abused me so badly and, for so long. I am holding on the best I can and, that's what they say to me, they hope it hurt!

What's the point?