My Mom Just Shot My Step Dad In The Head!

 All the time I get told things like that. They said it is to make me remember what is important!

It happens every few days, sometimes more. All I can hear now is people telling me they hate me, except a few that heard her confess 

 She said a few minutes ago that everyone compares her to me and, someone just asked if i still think you  better than she?! The two voices sounded nothing alike though! 

I am constantly being told to kill myself or, turn myself my in. I hear people who sometimes defend me and, say they heard her too but, they don't last long and, I don't know if anyone else hears them or, if it is just the people doing this fucking with my head even more! There is no way for me to know.

They keep talking about my daughter but, I am not sure why. I can't handle this anymore. They turned this down and so I am not sure what is going on. I don't understand why the fuck they confess and, things only get worse. Even more people are angry at me now and, I can't take anymore. It goes from laughing and, feeling like I had people that care to my death in an instant. I don't understand what I did to anyone to end up like this. 

I keep telling people what they are doing and, everything is only getting worse. I can't handle the constant ups and, downs and, I can't get people to talk to me.

I thought I was talking to certain people a few minutes ago then, hears one of them say they were in bed for hours. Nothing is ever what I believed it was. Nothing is real then, everything is real.

Every day, too many times to count I am told "you weren't raped!" Then why keep saying it? I don't say anything about it. I don't remember what happened. I only know what I have been told. I wish I could have found someone who would have talked to me. I feel stupid now. It is obvious that there are too many people who want me to die. Too many people who want me to believe nothing is real when, clearly some of it is. There is no way to survive.

They says that all the things she has done are things I did to her. Apparently, other people believe her. They tell her to call the police on me! I have lost everything important in my life. They have finally tortured me to death. I have done nothing to anyone and, I can't even spend time talking and, laughing with people because, somehow it means I don't love or, care about someone else. There is no happiness left in life.

They say, even tonight, that I don't think about my kids but, I kept asking over and, over. It is very, very clear thar the lies, insults, the trauma is never going to end.  There is no way for me to do anything but, die. They have hurt so many people, killed people and, I guess it's just my turn to die.

I feel so worthless and, stupid. So ugly and, pointless. It's like everything i do causes a problem. My remaining alive only causes pain in other people's lives. That much is completely obvious. I am giving up. I am sorry, they tell me I give up too easily or, that I am weak and, pathetic but, I can't take this anymore.

Even the people closest to me tell me they can't help me. I listen to everyone tell me my family has been doing this to me also. That have hurt me mentally and physically so badly that I give up. If there is anyone on my side I wish they had been here with me. Talked to me. I am told people are on my side but, then I hear them making fun of me, telling me they hate me and, things like that.

I don't want to live like this. The pain is all consuming and, I can't actually live. 

At least I won't have to hear people tell that so and, so told me all about what is happening and, they heard us talking. They use my voice and, I have even heard them admit that. 

Apparently, because I got upset at being told my mom shot my step dad and, yelled and, told what people have been confessing, I am going to jail.

I am sick of all of this. I have little idea what they accuse me if because, I can't see any of this. I don't know what they show about me, I have asked to see it but, no. I can't find it online and, everyone I ask in person lies to me. They tell me where to look but, I can't find it and, my search results barely bring up anything.

It is clear now how people feel about me. It is probably true that everyone hates me. I didn't want to believe that but, I can't deny that people seem to either lie to me and, I know they get threatened and, people in their families have either been hurt or, murdered after either helping me or, being nice to me or, they flat out lie and, pretend to care when they don't. I am so pathetic that people who are nicer to me, I don't think if as people wanting to hurt me.

I am only allowed to hear what they let me. It is rare to hear anyone else. I stop hearing people if they are nice to me too often. Even people who I am told are family. I don't really understand anything and, I can't handle this anymore. I have admitted things I lied about, admitted that I can't remember people. If I was raped, I don't remember. They all keep saying these things that make mo sense to me at all. Then, tbey say that I said them when I was with this person or, that person but, I was never with them. I didn't know I was missing as much time as they now say I am. I don't know what to do. I tried to look up what to do a month or, so ago but, they used that to say I looked up symptoms and, that i am faking.

I have no support around me, possibly no support at all. I am told that I don't love someone because, I was talking and, laughing with some people that I guess means I love someone else. I thought of them as family. I lost my family and, I guess that means that I didn't love someone. This is a constant thing anymore. If I so much as look at another human being, it somehow means I don't care about someone else. Now, I am giving up. It is so obvious now why I kept getting pushed away. Why so many people don't want me around. I am an idiot.

I don't want to live my life doubting everything that people say to me. I don't want to have to question everything. I want to be able to believe someone who tells me they care about me or, love me. I want to be able to be in a different room or, in the same room and, be able to believe that what I hear is what that person is saying to me. I want to be able to go outside and, be around people and, feel like I am safe. I don't want a life like this and, I can't handle the constant negativity and, drama. I don't want the attention despite them saying all the time that i do.

I am sick of hearing how I sound like Angela. Sick of my heart being used like it didn't matter. Sick of feeling like this is my fault. That I lost people because, I did something wrong when I didn't. 

They can have my life. I will never believe that anyone gives a shit. EVER. It is better this way. No wonder they never believe me. No wonder they lie to me. There is no way to deal with any of this pain and, I am done trying.

I live but, I'm not living. Limbo. They control my life now. I am not allowed to believe anything anything or, anyone. I have no idea if people are who they say they are and, that is how it will be for the rest of my life. Just tonight, someone I believed was who they said they were, believed they were real became three other people and, apparently never who I thought they were. My head is so fucked that, I can't try anymore.

I already have a hard time processing all the words they say. I never understand if one person is one person or, if they are a group of people. They use each others voices and, names and, I refuse to believe now. As far as I am concerned, I am clearly a huge problem and, everyone has to save everyone else from me. They even say that to me. They lie to me about who they are. Tell me others aren't who I believed or, that they were an amalgamation of people. I am afraid to believe in anyone now. 

I have looked for people where I am told to look. I don't know what most of these people look like and, I am not going trotting around searching. I will never be able to believe in anyone again. This has done too much damage.

The things they have said to me have torn me down to nothing and, this has been done to so many people using my voice that, now a lot of people are tearing me down using the same exact things that she uses to say to me. I have l lost everyone I believed in. Everyone is mad at me and, I don't want to feel like this ever again. 

All I ever feel anymore is stupid and, afraid.  I do not and, probably will not ever again believe that people can care about me. I should have understood that sooner. I want to die. I gave never felt more unwanted and, worthless in my life. I am never going to try again. I am now afraid to talk or, laugh with people. Afraid of the drama and, reprocussions it brings. I am never talked to in person and, they lie to me so much I can't quite grasp things that they demand I do. 

Of all the things in the world, live is what killed me. The way they tell me I don't live my kids and, they way they demand I listen to them when I rarely gear them. They change my kids voices a lot and, they use them a lot. People I believed loved me don't. People I love hate me. Everyone keeps saying I love others more than my children. Not at all true. They don't take into account all of the things that have been done.

Maybe when they said that they were burning all of the good memories of me out of people's heads was true or, maybe people just hate me this much. Either way, there is nothing I am ever going to be able to do to make them stop.

Apparently, I am evil. Everything is somehow my fault and, I can no longer handle the pain of losing someone I love. I can't even try anymore. I won't ever love again. They tell me I am too mean but, they tortured me to death and, I am too hurt to believe anymore. I love and, get hates for it. Their confessions never seem to mean anything. I will never tell anyone I love them again. Not even my own children. I don't want to be hurt ever again.