It's All A Joke To Them

There were so many reasons I was so happy. My parents say it's because they helped me so much or, that I didn't live in the real world. I was looking for a job. Few people believe that though. 

I am so beaten down now that I have completely given up. I will probably never see my kids again. I can't tell what is a lie and, what isn't and, people who say they live me don't want to be around me. I don't know who I can trust or, if anyone actually feels the way they say they do. 

I have few, if any friends, if I have family left, it would be a surprise. I can't beg for help anymore. It's always my fault anyways because, I am a drug addict. I am no longer a person. The people I hear, John tells me they aren't real. 

I was so happy when I was able to talk to someone that I truly loved. Over time, being told so many, many times how it wasn't real or, how something he made for me was a joke, like a gag gift and, never being allowed to be around most people, on top of being so abused that my self esteem has plummeted, I started to doubt everyone and, everything. Earlier they told me that everything I believed was wrong and, I don't really know what to believe. 

I can't imagine that this would be a shock to people. I don't have the first clue to believe. For a long time I believed he loved me too. I have heard too much and, some of it in his voice as well. I am not sure I can trust my instincts. They tell me to and, than, they do everything they can to prove I am stupid.

I no longer care about people. Fuck them all. I am so fucking sick of being hurt. 

I have begged for help for so fucking long. Now, it's too fucking late. I just don't care anymore. I don't have the first clue who to trust. Each person I did trust proved I can't trust them. So fuck it. I hate being alive. 

I am not ever going to waste my time trying again. It is very clear there wouldn't be a point. I am giving up completely. I do not want anyone in my life ever again. People only cause pain. That is all I can count on. I am done believing that people are real. The only way I am able to know anything is what I hear. In person nobody knows a single fucking thing.

Love isn't what they feel no matter what they tell me. It's all hate all the time. They don't even let me know who is real and, who isn't. So, I no longer give a fuck. It is funny to them. 

They think it's the funniest thing ever. No clue what I am supposed to do while people poison me and, sabatoge me so they don't go to prison for doing this to me. Doesn't matter since I am not a person. 

I am stupid as fuck. I married the wrong person and, it cost me my life. That is a fact for sure. I have tried to divorce him. Tried to trust him. Tried to do what I am commanded but, nothing is ever real as fuck it. I am done trying. 

This person is that person. Nobody is ever really who they say they are, at least that is what I am told. 

I am lied to so fucking much that nothing is real anymore. I will never be able to understand my own fucking life. I am sick of being alive. My own mother could have helped me so could the man I married. Instead, they pretend it's my fault. Everything is always my fault so I no longer care. I am never going to be normal or anything close to it

 I can't figure out why they demand I get off drugs then sabatoge me. They lie straight to my face but, then they say they tell me the truth but, they do it using the way they abuse me so badly. In person I am mostly ignored. There is no way for me to know anything except the way they abuse me. Then, they make sure to ask all these questions that they have already asked me or, they have made sure that I know the answers to. I am an honest person I kept trying to understand what the fuck was going on in my own life. It is impossible though. I am a stranger in my life.

Not allowed to know what is real and, what isn't and, when there are things I do know, they use it against me. It's been over five years, anyone would have figured things out. To use the things they have done to me and, the way they abuse me to then make more  people hate me, I am done trying. I don't care anymore. 

"Trust your husband!" From the same dumb bitch who told me John is abusing me to help me and, John did what he had to do to protect his family!!!!!! Really. These people have hurt me so badly and, only a few wanted anything to do with me. They dangle live and, help like a carrotnin a stick and, if I don't jump through every single hoop they demand, no help. No people in person. I remain isolated and, abused. They tell me I didn't help myself because I didn't get off drugs. Fuck them. Make demands the sabatoge me then, make fun of me for being sabatoge. I am giving up.

They drugged me yesterday, molly apparently. Then, tear me down because I could still remember yesterday. Fuck this. These people are so fucking sick that I can't stand to be alive anymore. I am done trying. I don't care of a million people showed up and  knocked on the damn door or, tried to talk to me. It's too fucking late. Fuck them all. I do not want anyone near me. What would be the point now?! Why wait this long? 

Seriously. If anyone gave a shit, besides the few people I am allowed around, where have they been? Am I really so horrible and, disgusting that nobody can stand to be around me?! Guess so! 

They have torn me down so badly. Taken every bit of self esteem I had. Taken the ability to trust myself. I second guess everything about myself. I try to sound confident, try to no let them know just how badly they have hurt me but, I can't take anymore. I keep telling them it's too much now, it's too late. 

I am done begging for help. Done being lied to and, hurt. Done hearing everyone tell me how worthless I am and, how they would cheat on me too! The , thkse same people tell me I don't have enough self esteem! Fuck them. I am sick if feeling like this. Sick if everyone and, everything. Who the fuck knows what is real anymore. They were so angry at me because I was fat and, confident. That I wasn't the type of person that was consumed with worry about someone cheating on me.cif I thought that person lived me, it wasn't something I thought about. It took years for me to believe that John cheated on me! YEARS! After they "took a poll" and, everyone said they would cheat on me and, hearing things like "I am not a cheater and, even I would have cheated on you. I DO NOT THINK LIKE THAT! THEY HAVE ABUSED ME TO DEATH AND, I AM DONE BEING TOLD THAT I AM TOO INSECURE. 

I AM SUCK OF HESRING ABOUT CHEATING. EVERY FUCKING DAY, OVER AND, OVER. IVER FUCE RUCKING YEARS OF LISTENING TO PEOPLE TELL ME THAT EVERYONE WIULD CHEAT ON ME. I HATE PEOPLE NOW. I HATE THEM SO FUCKIG MUCH.. THEY HAVE DESTROYED MY DUCKING LIFE. I WIULD RATHER BE DEAD THAN HE MADE TO FEEL LIKE THIS. I AM SO SICK OF HEARING HIW I HAVE TO STAY WITH JOHN NOW! FUCK HIM. I WILL NEVER STAY WITH HIM. TI ABUSE ME THIS BADLY SO I HAVE TO STAY WITH HIM IS DISGUSTING. WHY WOULD I STAY WITH SOMEONE WHEN THEY MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THIS? WHY WOULD I STAY WITH SOMEONE WHO LIED TO ME LIKE THIS? WHY WOULD I BELIEVE ANYTHING HE SAYS WHEN HE MAKES FUN IF ME FOR HEARING THESE PEOPLE? HE TELLS ME ITS ALL IN MY HEAD! LHE SWEARS HE DIESNT KNOW ANYONE IR, ANYTHING THEN, TALKS ABOUT THESE THINGS THEY TELL MEM THE THINGS HE SWEARS HE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT, HE MAKES FUN OF ME FOR! WHO THE FUCK WOULD TEUST HIM?????

I HAVE TRIED TO BE MYSELF BUT, THAT ISNT ALLOWED. I GET RIPPED AOART FOR THINKING. "BET YOU WISH YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT AOPHIA FIRST!" AFTER THEY ABISE THE EVER LOVING FICK OUT OF ME. 

I WILL HAYE JOHN FOR THE REST OF NY FUCKING LIFE. HOW THE FUCK CAN ANYONE EXPECT ME TO UNDERSTAND ANYTHING. TEUST SOMEONE WHO PRETENDED HIS MOTHER WASNT DOING THIS? WHI LIED TO ME ABOUT EVERYTHING? WHO TELLS ME INCISTBGIM HIS FRIENDSHIP WITH ANGELA TRACJEVSKI?! HE TELLS ME SHE WONT EVENBTALK TO HIM ANYMORE! HOW SHE IS TERRIFIED IF ME AND, LIVES IN FEAR WITH ALL KINDS OF TASERS AND, BULLSHIT. I TELL HIM SOMEONE STOLE MY TASER AND, HE SAID HE DIDN'T CARE! I AM THE INE THWY ARE TEYING TO KILL, SHE HAS DINE THIS TO ME FOR A LONG TIME. SHE OPENLY ADMITS SHE HAS BEEN TEYING TI KILL ME AND, I AM SUPPOSED TO TRIST HIM. I GET PUNISHED IF I DONT TRUST HIM AND, WHEN I DO THEY USE IT AGAINST ME. I CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT. I KIVE IN CINSTANT FEAR OF BEING AHUSED WORSE. EXCEOT, JUST BEEATHING MAKES THEM OUNISH ME. I CAN NO LONGER FIND THE WILL OOWER TO WANT TO LIVE. 

I AM DONE TEYING. TUCK THESE PEOPLE AND, FUCK LIFE. 

WHEN I TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT JOHN AND, THE REST OF THEM, THEY JUST TELL OTHER PEOPLE FUCKED UP THINGS SO THEY END UP HATING ME. GUESS WHAT? I STILL SAY THE TRUTH! EVERYONE CAN HATE ME, ITS STILL TRUE. I AM DONE BEING ABISED. DONE LISTENING TO THOS BULLSHIT. TRACY TOLD ME A LING TIME AGO, THE INLY WAY TO GET AWAY FROM THE ABUSERS IS TI DUE! I AM FINE WITH THAT!