It Is Going To Get Better

One day there will be a way to cleary name. A way to understand how I could have been as stupid as I have been. A way to understand why these people chose to torture me, my children and, so many others.

I know that I am not who they say I am and, I have to believe that everything happens for a reason. I wish myom had believed in me.  I don't know why they didn't just turn me in. I told them to years ago but, I am sure they had their reasons. 

They say they injected me and, my daughter with truth serum but, I doubt it.  It was obviously a mistake to believe anything I heard. Unless it was something terrible about me it doesn't seem like many people believed it.

They tell me to trust my instincts but, I am so wrong about my own life, how can I trust my instincts. I am not sure what to do now. I don't want to keep trying. I have been told my chances of long term survival are low and, I am certain now, like other terrible things that I didn't think they would be able to do, I will never see my kids again.

I am innocent and, I am not sure how they can do these things and, get away with it all. I guess they were right and, it is my fault. They can't be stopped because of something I am doing or, have done. At least that is what they tell me.

I asked for help, even in the beginning but, nobody knew anything. Angela kept saying she gets what she wants, especially this way. I guess it was too much to hope for that people might have wanted me to survive. It's easier just to believe I am the bad guy.

I know they have had plenty of time to plan this and, they keep demanding I tell the truth. I don't understand since they tell me they know I have been honest but, it's ok.

I am sorry they had to do this. I needed to be taught a lot of things and, this is how they chose to teach me.

I wasn't able to do anything the right way. I wasn't nice enough. I was too stupid to understand that they were doing this for my own good. Tough love they said.

I didn't know I had so many things wrong with me and, I am glad they took the time to tell me. 

I am done trying to tell people what is happening. Done trying to prove I am a person. I know I don't have family anymore. I am just that thing now. It's ok. It's just what it is.

At least Angela isn't jealous anymore. 

I hate being me now. I hate everything about myself and, I feel stupid for ever believing in myself. All day and, night they spend tearing.me down and, I have given up

 I don't want to care about people, I don't give a shit if anyone cares about me. Whats the point? They will just use anything and, anyone I cares about to causee more pain. My own family will either help or, pretend that this isnt happening at all. Who gives a shit that I keep saying I can't take anymor That I am going numb? That I want to die? They have no care in the fucking works so, why should I? 

I am not supposed to still be alive anyways, they do whatever they can to cause me as much pain as possible. I guess that's my fault though. Sorry for getting people confused, I can't see you and, I am sick of being hurt. I know that saying I stopped caring didn't really make a difference to anyone. I'm fact, all that has happened so far is they have caused more humiliation, threatened me more and, I am sick of trying to understand what is real or, who someone is. I get it, I am not worth being around in person. I am not worth talking to about this in person. I am done putting any emotion into life. All that will happen is I am going to be hurt more. I am sure they have had a blast torturing people. Everything is my fault and, I am tired of giving a shit. I am done begging for help or, for people to be around me. It only made them make fun of me more. They continue to lie to me about who cares about me or, who I can turn to or, pretty much everything. Why bother continuing to try?

I have heard so many times, including from the married man I just apparently upset, if anyone wanted to be with me or, near me or, whatever they would be here and, I wouldn't be sitting here alone. Since I am already aware that I am the problem and, I DON'T HAVE ONE FUCKING MEMORY FROM MY ENTIRE LIFE THAT THEY HAVEN'T MADE UNHAPPY BECAUSE OF WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN ALLOWED TO DO, I AM NOT SURE WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO FEEL. 

Why tell me how someone is married or, how nobody cares and, lie to me about people so much that I feel like I have nobody? After over five years, how much can anyone keep caring? I get it, you were right, I am apparently an idiot. Anything else? Maybe if people had bothered to be around me or, talk to me I might feel different. In the end, they needed everyone on their side and, this is better this way. I have no hope left and, I don't want to try or, believe anymore. I am pretty sure I have said that. I just can't take anymore. I wish I could but, I can't. I needed help. Instead, EVERYONE I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST, I DONT THINK I CAN ANYMORE. No worri s though and, I am very happy that people are rallying around him and, offering support. It's important when things go bad to have people around you. Helps you remember you're a person and, all that.