I'm Am Not One Of Them!

I never wanted to be "one of them!" They made it very clear from the beginning that they didn't want me to be part of their group! 

I can't take anymore. Everything is so fucked up. People are changing so much. There were some kind people, people who seemed like they knew that this was not a good thing. People that knew Inam not at all the person that I must look like. Somehow, after John came back from prison in August 2022, people started changing.

I can no longer handle this. The attack is non stop and, most people have become so cruel and, horrifying that I can't stand to listen to them. I try to block them out but, then they threaten my children. 

My life should have been my life. Other people can not choose what is best for anyone else. You can guide them but, not force them. I am so sick of listening to people who are so mean that it will take your breath away. 

This has gotten so out of control and, I am left wondering why I am so hated. Why nobody could just talk to me instead of just at me. Why it was ok to abuse me so badly I no longer feel like I am a human being. Just this thing for people to abuse and, punish because, I didn't do something the right way. It has been over five years and, I haven't done anything right according to them. Only once did someone say I did good that day and, they abused me even worse that night! I am not allowed to look like I am a person, not allowed to appear like I have my shit together, not allowed to be nice or, let people believe that I actually am a good person. They have so many people convinced I am a child molester that, I am afraid to talk to kids, even my own! 

I will always be left with the feeling that it isn't ok to ask for help. That I did something that forced these people to hate me and, want me to die. That made people who care about me stop caring. Nothing will ever make sense and, I can't do anything to make them stop. They will always rip apart everything I do and, find so many flaws that I have given up. They want me to die and, I am aware that my future isn't going to be something that is "normal." Life shouldn't be so filled with pain and, humiliation. 

There is nothing I will ever be able to do except die! Who cares that I do not know how to use this technology? Who cares that I am not doing anything and, it isn't me killing people? They can't he stopped because of me. That much has been made very, very clear. I am sorry that I thought things would be able to get better. Sorry that I keep telling the truth and, there is only so much I can do. At least it will stop soon. Today. There is only so much one thing can take before they have to give up!

I am sorry my life was used to hurt and, kill people. I am sorry that I wasn't able to get support and, that I am such a terrible thing. I wish I could remember what happened to me and, that people didn't have to try to "for e me to remember!" Mostly, I wish I had never been born, they wouldn't have had to do this if I hadn't been born!

There is no place I feel safe anymore. I can be sitting here and, they will come into this apartment and, do whatever the fuck they want.

I am so sick of people that I am happy that I am going to die! I am sick of them using my kids to hurt me. I am sick of trying to defend myself and, when I say I don't say things against my children and, I have been trying to learn how to navigate all of this and, trying to do better, they do whatever they can to make sure I fail. 

I get it, I am a failure. There is and, will never be anything I can ever do to make people believe that I was their victim and, not the horrible monster that so many people see me as. I was more than just "that bitch on the Internet!" Like I heard a day or, two ago. I didn't put myself anywhere for people to see but, it didn't make a difference. They need me to die and, as long as everyone hates me and, blames me and, not them then that is what will happen. 

It was ok to hurt me to the point I can't survive. It was ok to do the horrific things that I have been told they have done to me. It is ok for so many people to want me to die.  They have made themselves appear to be so nice and, perfect. So caring and, trying to help me but, in reality, they are evil. Horrible, abusive, rotten people. 

I can't do anything right anyways. They have abused me, my children and, so many others and, I am sick of being manipulated and, hated. I am sorry I needed help and, was so disgusting that they were able to finally kill me. 

I am sick of being told to look at someone, I am their victim and, I can't see a fucking thing. Just because you appear perfect, eventually the world will see you for the person you truly are. I am tired of being alive. Sick of being manipulated until I am the bad guy. Fuck this group of suck bitches. They can have my life. I am done trying. It doesn't do any good anyways. They attack me so viciously until they get what they want and, it does no good to try to defend myself. It doesn't no good to try to convince people that I am not the problem. I am giving up now. Do whatever the fuck you want. I won't be the problem anymore.