I Didn't Hurt Myself

I didn't hurt myself. 

I didn't do this to myself or, anyone else.

I am not allowed to be angry and, there is only so much pain you can internalize.

I am punished for even so much as thinking about things I hear. 

I tried to get people to understand I am nothing like the person they make me out to be. I am kind, loving, I try to be honest. I loved my children and, my family. 

I thought I could still be that person. I thought people could still see me as that person but, I was wrong.

I am tired of being beat down to nothing. Tired of being blamed for things I didn't do or, say. Tired of being lied to so much that it takes me a while to figure out what is true. I'm some cases it takes so long that, I may not know the truth. I end up sometimes believing the wrong things. I don't have anyone to ask and, I am now concerned about a lot of the things I have heard. I wasn't really sure if what I was told about some things was true and, other things didn't make a difference as to how I felt about a person. I am not very judgemental and, I was willing to forgive people as long as my children were ok. If I believed that someone hurt one of my kids, I had concerns then but, not ever being sure and, knowing how much these people lie, I tried to take most of what I heard with a grain of salt. 

If all these terrible things happened, wouldn't I remember more than I do? The small clips Indo remember, I was terrorized but, besides being roofied, I don't remember being hurt. Wouldn't someone doore than just make fun of me for the things I have heard? I know people have said they did terrible things to me but, Mt own family can hear all of this, why didn't they help me?

I get told every day that I was raped then, told I wasn't. I have heard there is even a recording of it! Told people don't want to come into this apartment because of what happened and, told it is better I don't remember. They never stop talking about it though. I tried to make light of it all. Tried to not let the fact that if something happened all of these people know and, perhaps could have helped me but, chose to make fun of me instead.

I have been told that John and, my brother both have drugged me since John came back from prison. I thought he came back in 2022 but, more than one voice has said 2023 and, like a lot of other things, I now question what I believed. 

I am not going to ever be able to understand why people did this. Why they blame me for all of the things they did to me. I would never have thought I was raped if someone hadn't told me over and, over pounding it into my head that it happened.

Tonight I got scolded for going to a friend's and, spending time there. It sounded like John, punishing me for spending time with this friend. Telling me how they don't trust me and, how I am a whore.

All these voices keep beating me down. Are the people that belong to these voices beating me down or, are their voices being used like they use mine all the time? There is no way for me to know.

I loved some of these people. I really loved some of them. They, I guess, didn't feel the way I thought they did or, they did and, I am being lied to now. Again, there is no way for me to know. I have heard people be yelled at for letting me see them or, letting me know they were real. This whole thing has done so much damage, I don't know what I am supposed to do.

They tell me all the time to "trust my husband" but, if I do ant of the things John says is ok, I get punished. Often times, they will call other people my husband but, I am not allowed to ask who or, say anything. Later they will try to punish me and, accuse me of calling someone else my husband.

John called me the love of his life. I have never said or, thought that about anyone else but, it comes back to me in hateful ways all the time.

I am too depressed to be able to do much anymore. I try but, most of the time I just sleep. The cat will piss on my bed and, I just sleep in it. I can't remember what it feels like to believe that somehow, somewhere there is a way to make this end. 

I get it. I am told every single day so, it's in my head without a doubt. I am ugly. I am stupid. I am worthless. I am a terrible mom. I am unwanted. Everyone (even though this probably isn't true) hates me. 

Over and over "who loves you Jennifer?" I get it, nobody. I get it. Told how all these people loved me and, now how nobody does. I didn't do anything though except, be abused so badly life is questionable. 

Told things like now your pretty mouth is down turned instead of smiling. How fat I am. How people break in or, my brother let's them in to spit in, put toilet water, poison ECT. The food and, drinks. Told how it has built up in my system and, I only have a few months the live. Told how they will change test reports and, this do. They will fuck with doctors and, anyone else they can.

The worst is with my children. That is where they have really done the most damage.

Before John got out of prison I heard his voice saying how he would rather be with someone who hurt us than be with me. I heard someone say how they injected my child with something but, they said it like it was a joke. I heard her say that John has never asked her about this. Then, the other day I pissed her off, told her I had respect for someone else but not for her and she said that "the joke was on me, that she is the one that iniected my daughter."

I once heard my uncle say something to John and, I didn't hear what exactly it was. Then, he told him not to look at me because, I would know the truth! John's eyes filled with tears but, even now, everyone denies everything.

I feel like my life is in limbo. I'm not alive but, I am not dead. 

They use my memory loss as a way to accuse me of vile things, since I can't remember, what can i do? 

I thought I could trust people. Love people. Those same people or, at least their voices now hate me. Even my mom! What did i do? Nothing.

I tried to let this all go. I forgave and, triednto figure out who people were and, who I could trust or, turn to. I guess I did the wrong thing. I tried to let it all drop. Tried to "take one for the team!" Like they told me I had to. Tried to believe that this would stop. Tried to believe the good things I heard and, ignore the bad. 

I don't say very many negativite things about anyone. I try to remain upbeat and, hopeful but, it isn't always possible. I get depressed like anyone else. I have been so beaten down and, hurt I am no longer sure what to believe. I don't know why someone would say they love me one day and, the next hate me as much as they do.

I am not perfect. I never was. I never said I was. I don't understand why people hate me so much. I don't know what I did. I tried hard to do everything they demanded. They change their minds all the time.

I am so tired of hearing that nobody loves me. I loved people. Some like family. Some like close friends. A couple I genuinely loved. I feel stupid for believing good things now. Stupid for a lot of things. 

I am never going to be able to understand any of this. Never know why John would make fun of me for the things I was told and, the things they say they did to me. I will never know why my mom didn't help me. There are a million things I will need know.

I am sorry I am a drug addict. That seems to be the worst thing anyone can be. It even trumps the domestic terrorists that have tortured me.

I wish I had been able to do everything they demanded. I wish that people had wanted to be around me. I wish that people had felt or, been the people they said they were.

I am sorry I can't remember the things that were done after I was roofied. I know they say they are trying to figure out what was done trying me by breaking everything down into pieces and, doing it again. 

 I wish they could have been stopped. What they are doing is highly illegal and, incredibly dangerous. I just couldn't stop them and, I am told it's my fault they couldn't be stopped.

I wish I hadn't cared about anyone or, anything then, they might not have been able to hurt me as badly as they have. 

I tried but, the abuse is too much.